nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, July 29, 2012

    she writes me the most wonderful emails 

    cuduhay they say we dont write letters any more,
    which is true,

    but they whine about it.

    oh wheres the handwriting, what about the stationary, and the stickers
    and the envelope
    and the fragrance on the envelope.

    its all packaging and marketing, some will say

    or style, rendering, personality


    some will argue

    if you can write you can write anywhere. on any platform.

    convicts use kites in the hole

    the indians have smoke signals

    she writes emails

    and i write em right back.

    what else ya gonna do. wait for holograms to get invented?

    some of us arent afraid to go for it. and some others arent afraid

    to really go for it.

    dont you wanna live while you can

    dont you wanna be the example for the next wave.

    arent we supposed to lead by example?

    but as she says

    what are we supposed to do, let the dbags have all the fun?

  2. Saturday, July 28, 2012

    the problem about nowadays is theres no secrets 

    unless youre perfect like me youre screwed once the spotlight gets shined on you.

    this month chic-fil-a couldnt stop themselves from talking about things that their customers simply didnt care to know

    wanna know what chicken restaurant customers wanna know?

    are you open.

    thats about it.

    know why everyone likes col. sanders?

    because the only thing he ever said to the press was he didnt like the gravy the new owners of kfc created.

    he called it sludge that tasted like wallpaper paste.

    which it does.

    most people dont even know that col sanders didnt even start franchising kfc’s until he turned 65

    mostly because they werent successful… yet.

    once he sold the company for millions he moved to canada.

    and kept his mouth shut tighter.

    which is why we really totally super love him.

  3. j.lo was all, yeah i met axl once 

    axl rose we were staying at the mondrian and i never do this but i went to get some ice in just my robe

    and there was axl in the hallway in his robe

    also with a bucket.

    you need a key card for some reason to open the door for the ice

    but axl didnt bring his key card which also meant he was locked out of his room

    this young girl came out of his room after he started banging on the ice room door

    she spoke french.

    shhhh mon ami she cooed

    like a sleepy little kitten.

    when she spotted me she asked if she could take a picture.

    axl said no no thats not cool.

    but i said oh its ok.

    but let me take one of you too.

  4. Friday, July 27, 2012

    he’s 84, he is raps, and he boasts about eating Horny Goat Weed 

    ladies and gentlemen, Kwayzar.

    His real name is Stanley Jerry Hoffman. When he was starting as a rapper in the early 1990’s, he was looking through some astronomy books and found the term quasar, “It’s a big pulsing, massive amount of energy, but very mysterious and unknown,” he says, and it described him perfectly. He changed the spelling, but he’s still full of energy.

    if you listen to Off Ramp this weekend you will hear the interview with my new favorite rapper, but because you are my friend, you can hear the convo here now omg

  5. Thursday, July 26, 2012

    happy 15th wedding anniversary matt and emmanuelle 

    matt and emmanuelle get married in joncy france

    if theres one things my friends know how to do its throw a damn wedding

    patt os anna shannon me and others at matt and emmanuelle wedding in joncy france

    they prefer foreign lands like france or mexico or prague but somehow we still have fun

    ben and pat witness at matt and emmanuelle wedding in joncy france

    matt and emmanuelle had such a glorious wedding that we didnt even need to eat or drink afterwards because our souls were nourished just being there.  we drank anyways to appease the locals and went to bed not realizing we were sleeping in magical french barns.

    chris ann and ken at matt and emmanuelle wedding in joncy france

    everyone but anna sang afterwards. i think she just wanted to listen.

    oh yeah a castle was involved. forgot how though.


    we danced to french pop music under a tent and drank wine straight from the vines

    guitars and violins

    and said “did we really just see them get married at the mayors office and then the church and then walk through the town as our friends played guitar and violin?”

    and because it was 15 years ago we said “well we’ll know in a few days when the film gets developed and hopefully the prints will turn out.”

    this is one of about five of my friends’ weddings that id sure love to tivo one day when thats available.

    previous coverage:

    their ninth anniversary

    their fifth anniversary

  6. downtown los angeles says hi 


    if you must know ive been seeing J.Lo on and off for the last few months.

    mostly off because she likes pretty boys with dancer bodys more than bloggers.

    i can understand but when she gets drunk or lonely guess whose iPhone lights up.

    her favorite place in LA is the disney hall. so i go, why dont you play there ever.

    but we have a little agreement that i never discuss each others figures

    and we dont talk about work.

    lets talk about amor, papi, she whispers.

    but i dont wanna talk about no amor

    and i dont like always having to say what when she whispers constantly

    she saves her voice for her singing.

    its like dating a sexy batman.

    anyways we park across the street from the disney holding hands and just staring at the building

    designed by googenheim or melloncamp or someone

    who knows

    i just know that her fiat looks cute from the outside

    but isnt very practical.

    what do we listen to when we hold hands?

    the duke spirit

  7. many moons ago i was in vancouver canada north america 

    and i was a guest at the matthew good concert

    he was playing at the nice fancy old school theatre.

    he gave me a photo pass and a backstage pass and it was terrific

    and if memory serves there were two underage girls who shouldnta

    even been allowed in the place but, whoops, canada.

    i was busy taking photos but one of our friends actually fell for the trap

    and the even though he was kissing both of the girls at the same time

    at one point

    one of their brothers was a bartender there and got super mad at him

    and threatened to beat him up in a violent way.

    when i got home to america i did my laundry and noticed the pass

    was stuck to the bottom of my hamper.

    its been there ever since.

    i believe that trip was also the first time i ever tried sushi.

  8. Wednesday, July 25, 2012

    today is carrie cakes birthday, shes 24 

    me and carrie when i first met carrie (pictured) i was already hallucinating.

    we were in toronto, the good people of canada had treated me to a lovely evening of karaoke at the cat in the fiddle, major pitt had just sung a sizzling rendition of the marvin gaye’s “lets get it on.”

    cheese covered french fries had just been placed at my table and it looked like spagetti.

    delicious spagetti. as i said, i was drizzunk.

    someone tapped me on my shoulder and i turned around and i saw what looked to be one of the great white north’s best bloggers, who at the time was going as

    Miss C.

    and mama mia did she look hotter than her myspace photos.

    “my boyfriend is very jealous, he’s waiting in the car,” she said looking quickly (and often) over her shoulder for said beaux. “but i wanted to meet you and say hi.”

    fortunately a photo was taken or i wouldnt have believed it.

    several years later i was back in TO. it was new years eve. the government set me up with a room at the hilton overlooking blah blah blah square where there was ice skating, terrible bands, and later fireworks.

    but carrie said hey i know some lesbians who have big dogs and hot tubs.

    its a 50 kilometer drive through the snow. wanna go?

    before i knew it i was being snowed on while soaking in a hot tub in the mountains of Barrie.

    carrie painted us all up to look like the dudes from Clockwork Orange. why? why not?

    now carrie is an award winning cupcake and cake artist.

    i hope someone makes her an awesome cake for her awesome birthday cuz shes awesome.

    happy birthday ms cakes!

  9. Tuesday, July 24, 2012

    the jackson family are fighting 

    theyre breaking windows at the starbucks in anaheim

    ichiro has been traded to the evil empire

    icebergs are melting, gas prices are rising

    and youre no where near me.

    this dog howls sometimes.

    at midnight its the owl.

    theyre both saying the same thing

    where you at


    i flick the porch light

    on and off

    but they keep at it