1. Monday, August 20, 2012

    woke up two hours ago. feeling groggy, sore, but better 

    jes

    to put things in context (and to make me feel like a wimp) heres something i just read in my Facebook timeline from a young lady i dont know very well but somehow we are facebook friends.

    Friends, I am not doing well. In hospital for over a week now. Some horrible experiences, some good. Not to sound resigned, but I think this fight is coming to an end soon. Lungs are in poor condition, heart went into an abnormal rhythm and I had to get CPR/shock/epinephrine to bring me back. It wasn’t bad, just dark, no light at the end of a tunnel nonsense. Just oblivion and the pain of waking up. If that happened while I was at home, I would be gone already. But I am still here. Still some things left for me to tend to. But in case time is even shorter than we all realize or know, I love you all. Thank you for being a part of my life, supporting me whether or not you knew what was going on. I have kept my health under wraps for professional purposes but now it is more important for me to be able to say goodbye, thank you and I love you all.

    often i feel like the busblog writes itself. half the time i have no idea whats going to come out and i just let it flow. if i edited myself i wouldnt have published so many posts that say “live for the day” and “follow your dreams” because often thats not how i feel, or what i do.

    but reading her post today and experiencing what i went through last night, i now know why this blog makes me write those things. because we are fragile fragile beings who are battling the odds of being alive. we are little time bombs who share two things: that we are here together right now, and that we wont be.

    i have so much more courage when i write than when i see people in front of me.

    in my weakest moments i write. in my strongest i hug.

    i wish i could hug the whole world right now but that might be the dope the doc prescribed me talking.

    and often i wish i hadnt said what i said that day. mostly because i feel like people who just chill out and say nothing have easier lives. but is that living?

    isnt living doing what youd do if you had nothing to lose – or better, everything to lose?

    not just risk taking for the sake of taking risks, but because in your heart thats what youd do if you were a kid or if you knew it would end up ok.

    who knows.

    back to bed.

    say a prayer for jessica, who in just a few lines brought it home big time.