why america is failing our children

i dont have kids, but if i did they’d have the tv on when they got home from school

because id be a terrible father,

and thats what i had going on when i was of school age.

but because tv has changed a great deal since i was a kid, id make sure that until they got older

theyd only be able to get the basic over-the-air, non-cable channels.

you know, the ones the FCC are supposed to be monitoring.

today i just happened to have had the day off and i was busy so i didnt change the channel after the news

and stumbled across a show on channel 6 on my cable dial, channel 56 over the air, KDOC

the show was called Baggage, the time was 2:30 p.m., also known as Time Kids Come Home Time

in the show you meet some people and they tell you their “Baggage”. the host is jerry springer.

and the girl picks the guy she likes best despite his baggage which is sorta a good thing

but this is what happened during my episode. one dude says he cheated on his last girlfriend

thirty times, including with her mother.

(jerry! jerry! jerry!)

the other guy’s big secret is he likes anonymous sex.

not a secret is he likes holding his belt buckle and sticking his tongue out.

of course he wins the date with the girl teaching viewers and especially kids

that life is about picking the lesser of all douchebags.

now of course the FCC is ridiculous that they’d allow Baggage on at that hour. duh.

but the reason america is failing our children (and us)

is the FCC would never allow this:

because he uses a few curse words.

including the all powerful n word.

we are so obsessed over words, even in the cases where the words drive the point home


that we would rather not even hear those words

because what if omg the fucking kids heard them.

yo: what if the fucking kids saw baggage

twice a day

every day

right after spending all day in fucking school?

where lord knows there arent any “dirty” words getting hurled around.

america is failing our children because we let the most backward


narrow minded


get in the way of what is truly important for children

and adults

things like courage


and the ability to express yourself about serious moments

in human life.

Jerry Springer’s message gets to be in front of your kids every day because he doesnt swear

and Anthony Griffith’s does not because he does.

that’s fucked up.

the maintenance dudes are fixing my crib

apparently someone tried to break into my hollywood bachelor pad last night as i walked to get tacos

goodbye kitty the bathroom window is ajar as all hell

and the backdoor lock is wonky

and the porch light has shorted.

only the xbi know i keep my spare key

in the porch light bulb,

because thats they thing.

but the xbi know only a fool puts anything of value in his home.

including themselves.

whats also ironic is theyve scratched my car, theyve poisoned me

they put something in my drink at The Hives show and apparently

i nearly revealed some secrets to ali in the cab ride home

to which im truly embarrassed.

thus they should know that im over the hill

and clearly off my game.

ive stopped working out solely so they’d leave me alone.

but no.

and now these dudes are banging in a new window while singing in spanish.

banging in a new deadlock.

and drilling in a solar porchlight.

this is how im spending my day off not being with you.