nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, September 23, 2012

    snl says stfu obama 

    classic lines at the expense of our president

    his opponent

    joe biden


    and the queen of england.

    its amazing how weekend update has always been solid all these years

  2. Saturday, September 22, 2012
  3. Friday, September 21, 2012

    one of your friends made a bet with me yesterday 

    i was drinking so i dont remember what the wager was

    but the stake was $2,000.

    is $2,000?

    i wish i could remember what it was, but i refused to shake her hand.

    we did agree that nicki minaj will make a better judge at the talent show

    than brittany spears,

    that the new Tsar EP is surprisingly subtle and delightful,

    and that i look amazing in a beard.

    on the other side of the restaurant a loud group of twelve people

    buying bottle after bottle of supra expensive sake

    racked up a bill of over four thousand dollars.

    the waiter gave the dude who laid down the corporate card a tshirt.

    hell i woulda given him


    tshirts. but thats me, mr. vegas.

    speaking of vegas, when we going back there?

  4. Thursday, September 20, 2012

    happy birthday mom part 2 

    i first met my mother in a terrible dream where this white man was messing with my fro and wouldnt let go.

    i was all fool imma mess you up but i could barely move because it was a dream.

    then he slapped me and called me boy and i was all

    i know you called me Roy.

    and then my mom took me away from him and kissed me and hugged me and i never saw that dude again.

    and i woke up.

    and she hugged me and kissed me and has been my number one protector from all things bad and terrible ever since.

    the other day she heard me on the radio and said, lets see if can quote her accurately

    “you are a lot smarter than i give you credit for!!”

    best compliment ever.

    but erryone knows my moms the smartest person they know, she invented computer programming pretty much. and sixties animal print fashion stylez. and my favorite dish, the Salty Grit Sandwich.

    which is two eggs on white bread, smothered with grits with butter, bacon, bacon grease, and salt.

    she raised two kids on her own with one hand tied behind her back and basically laid down the foundation for the www

    and always had her hair did perfect.

    thats why for her birthday when i saw the obamas got her stuff i got her some peach lotion (cuz she from georgia), Louie season one (because she raised a crazy son), and downton abbey because she likes The Stones and Led Zep.

    let me quote her again “how did you know I have a difficult time finding peach lotion? xbi? Thanks bunches. Also I was going to start watching Dowton Abby. Haven’t heard of Louie but I’m sure it is good also.”

    awwwwww happy birthday!

  5. Wednesday, September 19, 2012

    why america is failing our children 

    i dont have kids, but if i did they’d have the tv on when they got home from school

    because id be a terrible father,

    and thats what i had going on when i was of school age.

    but because tv has changed a great deal since i was a kid, id make sure that until they got older

    theyd only be able to get the basic over-the-air, non-cable channels.

    you know, the ones the FCC are supposed to be monitoring.

    today i just happened to have had the day off and i was busy so i didnt change the channel after the news

    and stumbled across a show on channel 6 on my cable dial, channel 56 over the air, KDOC

    the show was called Baggage, the time was 2:30 p.m., also known as Time Kids Come Home Time

    in the show you meet some people and they tell you their “Baggage”. the host is jerry springer.

    and the girl picks the guy she likes best despite his baggage which is sorta a good thing

    but this is what happened during my episode. one dude says he cheated on his last girlfriend

    thirty times, including with her mother.

    (jerry! jerry! jerry!)

    the other guy’s big secret is he likes anonymous sex.

    not a secret is he likes holding his belt buckle and sticking his tongue out.

    of course he wins the date with the girl teaching viewers and especially kids

    that life is about picking the lesser of all douchebags.

    now of course the FCC is ridiculous that they’d allow Baggage on at that hour. duh.

    but the reason america is failing our children (and us)

    is the FCC would never allow this:

    because he uses a few curse words.

    including the all powerful n word.

    we are so obsessed over words, even in the cases where the words drive the point home


    that we would rather not even hear those words

    because what if omg the fucking kids heard them.

    yo: what if the fucking kids saw baggage

    twice a day

    every day

    right after spending all day in fucking school?

    where lord knows there arent any “dirty” words getting hurled around.

    america is failing our children because we let the most backward


    narrow minded


    get in the way of what is truly important for children

    and adults

    things like courage


    and the ability to express yourself about serious moments

    in human life.

    Jerry Springer’s message gets to be in front of your kids every day because he doesnt swear

    and Anthony Griffith’s does not because he does.

    that’s fucked up.

  6. the maintenance dudes are fixing my crib 

    apparently someone tried to break into my hollywood bachelor pad last night as i walked to get tacos

    goodbye kitty the bathroom window is ajar as all hell

    and the backdoor lock is wonky

    and the porch light has shorted.

    only the xbi know i keep my spare key

    in the porch light bulb,

    because thats they thing.

    but the xbi know only a fool puts anything of value in his home.

    including themselves.

    whats also ironic is theyve scratched my car, theyve poisoned me

    they put something in my drink at The Hives show and apparently

    i nearly revealed some secrets to ali in the cab ride home

    to which im truly embarrassed.

    thus they should know that im over the hill

    and clearly off my game.

    ive stopped working out solely so they’d leave me alone.

    but no.

    and now these dudes are banging in a new window while singing in spanish.

    banging in a new deadlock.

    and drilling in a solar porchlight.

    this is how im spending my day off not being with you.

  7. Tuesday, September 18, 2012
  8. hey danielle 

    remember that thing that i said you should do for 45 days?

    and you should write a book about it?

    i started it last night.

    perhaps we should do it together.

    perhaps your book and my book can be sold together.

    mooshed perfectly.

    or maybe when you flip over the one book, you see the other book.

    then we can go on the today show together and yuck it up with matt lauer.

    you’ll win him over and all the viewers will make us rich.

    anyways i started last night and its…. interesting.

    thats for sure.