nothing terrible’s happened
none of my uncles were inappropriate
the brothers at the church summer camp just read the bible to us boys
in the woods
I never spent any time in jail
with this pretty face

as a lad I was taken to see the Jackson 5 for my first concert
then came ac/dc during their back in black tour
ive seen waits and costello, once together
nirvana, the replacements, and every beasties tour

and women?
everyone’s always shocked
but here’s how to get women
keep a clean house, cook
buy your clothes out of catalogues
and always go dancing

thanks to the trust fund
and a few lucky investments
ive always been able to work where i want
with cool people, doing interesting things

and thanks to the xbi workout regimen
I can eat anything all the time
and no one is ever on to me

which is why I feel like I’m truly the only
seriously depressed man in the world
over the news this week of the demise of hostess

I may need to see a doctor