nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 21, 2012

    mitt romney went to disneyland yesterday 

    mitt romney at disneyland

    if i was as rich as Jay-Z, and i just lost the presidential election
    i would not go to the happiest place on earth,
    tempted as i may be.

    i would go to deepest darkest africa
    and stay there
    and make a serious difference there.
    then id go to deepest darkest
    the land my father was born in.
    and stay there
    and make a serious difference there.

    then id come back and run again
    and become president of the united states
    most powerful man in the world.

    but i guess splash mountain is a fine alternative.

  2. the grateful old man 

    keep the han in hanukkah

    when i was ten star wars came out.

    grateful for that.

    when i was fourteen back in black came out.

    grateful for that too.

    something tells me that when heart attacks start hitting my age group,

    someone will figure out how to prevent them with ice cream.

    eat your ice cream today, gramps? the kids will yell at me

    as they zip past in their jet packs.

    i dont know why i worry about things.

    better things just always show up.

    just ask the ipad youre reading this on.

    which im also grateful for.

  3. the only problem with holidays 

    wolfis i have to deal with questions from relatives about my marital status.

    usually i lie and say i have many wives and we all laugh.

    occasionally someone will say maybe the boy is gay.

    and i’ll say if i was gay wouldnt i dress better?

    truth of the matter is its not very responsible to flirt with the xbi and have a significant other

    my shrink says i sabotage relationships psychologically so that no ones hurt if something tragic happens if im flying chopper one and it goes down.

    which is why i stopped seeing her after one consultation.

    the thing is people are complicated beasts.

    the other thing is i hate fighting and it seems to me that you have to endure an awful lot of battles to keep a sexual relationship going.

    im willing to have 1 maybe 2 fights a month. tops. for 5 minutes each.

    if we’re spending more time stewing than kissing, im out. i dont care who you are. or who your best friend is.

    life is tough enough in the real world. when i come home i dont wanna do anything but slip into something comfortable, crank some some sweet jams, and lick wounds.

    the problem is it seems like theres only a handful of people who get that. that fun is job one of love.

    theres always an agenda. theres usually more on the menu.

    also, i may be a wolf

    in wrinkled sheeps clothing.

  4. Tuesday, November 20, 2012

    my mom doesnt have facebook so i will copy this fable making the rounds 


    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll

    ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

    The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

    ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—the small stuff.

    ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

    If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

    Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

    Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

    *in some versions, the Beer was replaced with Coffee.
  5. whenever beebs is in town i borrow his Fisker 


    and since it was ali’s birthday i was all, yo lemme taker to dinner in it. he was all, sure

    so we had a few hot dishes, a few cold ones, she told me about what fun she had at work

    we talked about how much different her thanksgiving is gonna be compared to mine.

    i learned she doesnt like really big bedrooms

    which is weird because ive never understood houses that have a lot of really small ones,

    then peter turned the lights down, but only to tell everyone the credit card machine was broken

    ali bday

    later he turned them down again to tell everyone it was ali’s birthday

    and he brought out this ice cream that was sooooo good

    it was like a peach sherbet with a hard shell and because he reads the busblog

    he put a nice hostess ding dong on the plate but waved his magic Kanpai wand on it

    and it was ten times more delicious somehow.

    then we sped the fisker through the venice streets

    never once thinking about the bears terrible performance.

  6. Monday, November 19, 2012

    as soon as obama won again ive seen the strangest phenomenom 

    homeless stuffed animal

    dirty runaway stuffed animals playing dead

    homeless stuffed animal

    im all youre not fooling anyone. theyre like, but look at that stuffing. im all whatevs.

    you know what freaks me out? make up. also seafood buffets.

    also legal hemporiums. this whole world is changing the stuffed animals say.


    but makeup is truly freaky. if you ask. me.

  7. todays ali’s birthday, shes 24 

    born in LA, raised in LA,

    went to college in LA,

    coulda been in NYC right now but instead decided to launch the biggest video game in the world

    from LA

    ali is everything and nothing youd expect

    the instinct in some vehicles
    is to smash the pedal to the floor

    and crank the jams

    although ali would appreciate that as much as the next young lady,

    she actually has a specific playlist for said occasion

    so taker easy cowboy.

    ali just moved across town.

    she lives next door to perfection.

    she has wheels of steel in her bachelorette pad

    where a television should be.

    ali drinks whiskey, neat,

    will perk up at the strains of hendrix,

    and is far more interesting than these tiny little paragraphs but some things are best left to legend.

    she did save my life in las vegas not once but twice which cancels itself out,

    but im grateful nevertheless.

    happy birthday ali!

  8. Sunday, November 18, 2012
  9. are we really still pretending we dont know what jonathon gold looks like? 

    jonathan gold on cbs

    hes the greatest pulitzer prize winning food critic to ever give props to food trucks

    he also has a unique look and happens to be walking the earth during the Information Age

    in LA which makes anonymity or privacy nearly impossible.

    blame Google if you must

    or blame Gold.

    way back in 2008 he posed for a pic with a serious journalist knowing full well it was headed for FishbowlLA.

    later that year, while he was food critic there, the LA Weekly published a photo of him: no big deal.

    and a little more than a year later, bro starred on a panel discussion for the Zocalo PUBLIC Square.

    look at all the people seeing him in the flesh

    even the writer is all, yeah its nice to see him in real life or in video. (there was video too)

    surely the OC weekly writer saw the famous LA weekly photos in 2007 of gold

    sloppily drinking outta those hilariously huge wine glasses

    as he celebrated winning the pulitzer.

    does no one remember the time in 2009 when the Weekly hosted a thing called

    The Gold Standard foodie event where mr. gold posed for pictures and kept it real?

    how about the time he read aloud a restaurant review at LACMA in front of a painting of Spam?

    strangely it seems like the only people who think their audience doesn’t know who he looks like

    are my beloved daily newspaper and cbs news.

    you can unring a bell if it’s made of gold?

    although to some it’s cute marketing, or a quaint nod to a once-preferred tradition.

    but nowadays i prefer it when my news organizations treat their audience (and subjects)

    like theyre smart enough to know how to use the google.

    thats my gold standard.