Merry Christmas from the little ones

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and the little ones at heart.

im the biggest sucker.

listened to Vince Guraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas while wrapping gifts

ate little kid-made cookies after dinner

and now am watching (and loving) A Christmas Story on tv

i guess the only non traditional thing i did today was rock Motorhead and Insane Clown Posse

while me and my mom drove through neighborhoods looking at big houses and their lights.

whatevs.

Merry Christmas!

the little girl doesnt know any fairy tales or chicago bears coaches

niece at christmaswhich is probably a smart thing for her parents to shield her from.

so yesterday as we were watching Da Bears beat the crud outta the Cardinals i was all do you know Ditka?

she said, Whats a Ditka?

so i pulled her on my lap and hugged her and asked ok, do you know the story of Goldilocks?

she said, No.

i was all so you don’t know about Papa Bear Halas then, probs.

she asked WHO?

so i said ok once upon a time this little girl was a lot like you (beautiful, a bit of a smarty pants, and a little cynical) and she was super dooper hungry so she broke and entered into what seemed to be a summer cottage in the woods.

and there she saw three pizzas.

one was deep dish and a little too cheesy. the other was too cardboard because it was frozen. but the other was JUST RIGHT cuz it was from Tony’s Pizzaria over by the river.

so she grubbed out and got sleepy.

my mom my sister my brother in law and my little nephew were all entranced with my tale – which is normal.

so i said little Goldilocks went upstairs to grab some z’s but one bed was a futon and way too hard.

the other was one of those hippie dippy feather beds and was omg too soft

but one was a waterbed and JUST RIGHT and she dove in and fell fast asleep

turned out this wasnt just some second house of some snowbirds currently soaking in the sunshine of Zona for the winter

THIS WAS THE HOME OF DA BEARS!

the first Bear who found her was the littlest one, his name was Lovey. he wanted to lick her cheek and hug her.

as he was about to do that, his older brother Ditka wanted to throw the Fridge at her

hearing all the commotion, Papa Bear, the oldest bear, saw the scene, blew his whistle

and all these Soldiers marched in and shipped her off to Green Bay

where all bad little boys and girls go in the winter

THE END!

and everyone breathed a sigh of relief cuz they thought, for some reason

that i was gonna say something dirty to my sweet little niece.

AS IF!

when i was done she was all, uh huh can i go now?

and i said, no, now tell us about your Christmas trees.

and she did:

people ask why i wear my cubs hat so much

728993_10151307188753057_991534213_o and i have several answers to that

the first being that one day the cubs are going to win it all

and when that happens and people see me running around the streets in my birthday suit crying in ecstasy

they’ll say omg who the hell is that guy

you can be all, oh thats the dude who’s worn a cubs hat since he was a little kid. dont call the cops.

the second reason is whenever i dont wear it people say wheres your hat: i barely recognized you!

the third reason is it’s an xbi secret weapon

usually in the very cold coldness of winter i wear a little knit cap because as a bald man my head is as sensitive as your bare ass.

today was only 4 degrees above zero, not 94 below

so instead of wearing my Bears knit cap i decided to brave the elements and sport my Cubs hat in the one part of the world where instead of sticking out, i would blend in

did i want to leave the house at all today?

of course not.

but i love my mother deeply, and my family, so i emerged out of the warm bliss of my mom’s home and ventured out into the wonder of illinois in the depths of winter.

like a g

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my dear mother made a lemon meringue pie for a lonesome shut in across town. which was super nice.

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so we pulled into the woman’s drive way and my mom said, i’ll be right back AND LEFT HER DOOR OPEN AS IF IT WASNT A GAZILLION DEGREES BELOW ZERO oh im sorry 4 degrees above zero AND HER PRIDE AND JOY WASNT GOING TO LOOK LIKE JACK NICHOLSON AT THE END OF THE SHINING UPON HER RETURN!  i covered myself in snow as a what the hell are you doing leaving your door open? which actually was dumb cuz i was freezing to prove a (dumb) point and my mom just laughed at me. which was funny.

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she made it up by saying, lets go to Dick’s and pick out a new cap “Santa” can get for you.
but i was all, im good.

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i did notice however the branding Da Bears have on pop and even water, which somehow didnt surprise me.

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what did surprise me was this nice gentleman’s 4Runner which proudly displayed his heritage. it wasnt that he was glad to tell the world that he was latino that made me curious, it was what did his love for the Transformers have to do with anything.

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time passed, the bears won, and my mom said, omg i remember yesterday you said how much you’d like to go to Red Lobster.

i said, id go but in California they don’t drown the shrimps in butter and oversalt the lobsters.

728788_10151307250818057_1237314717_oshe said you need to try the ones here, and whattya know, Red Lobsters the way they were meant to be: amazing.

infact so many people had come to RL that our food was a tad tardy in arriving so the manager got on his knees (I ish you not)

and introduced himself and said im so sorry but your meals will be a little late, is there an appetizer i can get for you?

and i said A MCRIB! NOM NOM NOM!

and my mom said, what about a shrimp cocktail? because shes classy.

and poof out came six jumbo shrimps as we waited.

mom and i had a really good conversation

but one thing we didnt discuss was something we had seen at Dick’s Sporting Goods: this mysterious Cubs ball that was colored to look as if it was made of wood.

when i saw it i wondered WHO IN GODS GREEN ACRES NEEDED OR ASKED FOR A BASEBALL THAT LOOKS LIKE ITS MADE OF WOOD?

if you know me you know that im insatiable at times in my wants and needs, and often the things that i demand are insane or at least partially ridiculous.

but i have never ever ever said you know what this world is missing? balls made of wood – or imitation wood like baseballs. and as much as i like pretty much anything with the Cubs logo on it, i dont think i could ever imagine a nook or cranny in my many mansions where a wood like baseball would seem at home.

indeed, it reminds me of that odd Beastie Boys line where outta nowhere Mike D says “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you a cabinet.”

imagine the confusion if he said, “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you baseballs”?

im gonna sleep late man, it’s much easier on my constitution