nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, December 27, 2012
  2. Wednesday, December 26, 2012

    so happy i took my mom to the best movie of the year 


    clapped several times and sat all through the credits.

    i love spike lee tons, but what fool disses a movie he didnt see? he knows better than that.

    if anything spikes jealous that the best black film in years was written and directed by qt.

    i will probably see it again. maybe soon. and maybe in a black neighborhood.

    and yes, mom was blown away.

  3. when did the Elf on the shelf or whatever become a Thing? 

    kyla and her elf

    i dont mind Christmas traditions


    ——–> JESUS CHRIST <——

    leading up to and on his birthday.

    but if theres one thing i hate it’s “traditions” that aren’t traditional

    phony, consumer orientated, and/or just another lie to ruin the trust of our children.

    and by “our” of course i mean “your”.

    when i was a lad the lie was that big fat Santa slid down everyones chimneys and delivered toys

    to all the good little boys and girls


    somehow Rudolph, Frosty, and even Mrs. Claus worked their way into the grand sham

    despite the fact that the original story of Jesus was pretty magical and fascinating enough.

    540410_4869051371382_247139618_nBut apparently virgin births of babies who have to high tail it outta town cuz the ruling king was gonna slaughter it wasn’t good enough for the modern world but i digress.

    somewhere in the last 7-8 years this little Elf has made its way into the massive lie.

    from what i gather you buy a cute little elf and put him into random places around your house

    i dont know, to trick your kids into being good because somehow the elf watches to see that youre little angels arent snorting bath salts and trading arms for hostages.

    each night the elf flies to the North Pole and rats out all the bad little kids and appears the next day in a new weird spot in your crib.

    you name him. and tuck him away after Christmas. but has this fake crap backfired?


    one of my niece’s friends said, “I don’t believe in Santa anymore because I saw Merle, our Elf, this summer in a box in our closet.”

    which made me laugh so hard i nearly choked on my Irish coffee.

    so when did all of this become a thing? Fox News tells me: 2004. Figures.

    Bottom photo by Susan, Robinwood Photography

  4. Tuesday, December 25, 2012
  5. Merry Christmas errrybody 


    super busy with the niece and nephew
    and moms new iPad to blog
    so here’s a pile of stuff my nephew scored from Santa today


    I hope you scored mightily today too

    Me, I feel like I scored just by knowing you

    I’m very grateful for my loca vida

    And to be living in this fascinating time in history

    where I can communicate with all of you via a “phone” in a truck stop


    and have my well wishes transmitted around the globe instantly.

    long live rock!

  6. Monday, December 24, 2012

    Merry Christmas from the little ones 


    and the little ones at heart.

    im the biggest sucker.

    listened to Vince Guraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas while wrapping gifts

    ate little kid-made cookies after dinner

    and now am watching (and loving) A Christmas Story on tv

    i guess the only non traditional thing i did today was rock Motorhead and Insane Clown Posse

    while me and my mom drove through neighborhoods looking at big houses and their lights.


    Merry Christmas!

  7. the little girl doesnt know any fairy tales or chicago bears coaches 

    niece at christmaswhich is probably a smart thing for her parents to shield her from.

    so yesterday as we were watching Da Bears beat the crud outta the Cardinals i was all do you know Ditka?

    she said, Whats a Ditka?

    so i pulled her on my lap and hugged her and asked ok, do you know the story of Goldilocks?

    she said, No.

    i was all so you don’t know about Papa Bear Halas then, probs.

    she asked WHO?

    so i said ok once upon a time this little girl was a lot like you (beautiful, a bit of a smarty pants, and a little cynical) and she was super dooper hungry so she broke and entered into what seemed to be a summer cottage in the woods.

    and there she saw three pizzas.

    one was deep dish and a little too cheesy. the other was too cardboard because it was frozen. but the other was JUST RIGHT cuz it was from Tony’s Pizzaria over by the river.

    so she grubbed out and got sleepy.

    my mom my sister my brother in law and my little nephew were all entranced with my tale – which is normal.

    so i said little Goldilocks went upstairs to grab some z’s but one bed was a futon and way too hard.

    the other was one of those hippie dippy feather beds and was omg too soft

    but one was a waterbed and JUST RIGHT and she dove in and fell fast asleep

    turned out this wasnt just some second house of some snowbirds currently soaking in the sunshine of Zona for the winter


    the first Bear who found her was the littlest one, his name was Lovey. he wanted to lick her cheek and hug her.

    as he was about to do that, his older brother Ditka wanted to throw the Fridge at her

    hearing all the commotion, Papa Bear, the oldest bear, saw the scene, blew his whistle

    and all these Soldiers marched in and shipped her off to Green Bay

    where all bad little boys and girls go in the winter

    THE END!

    and everyone breathed a sigh of relief cuz they thought, for some reason

    that i was gonna say something dirty to my sweet little niece.

    AS IF!

    when i was done she was all, uh huh can i go now?

    and i said, no, now tell us about your Christmas trees.

    and she did:

  8. people ask why i wear my cubs hat so much 

    728993_10151307188753057_991534213_o and i have several answers to that

    the first being that one day the cubs are going to win it all

    and when that happens and people see me running around the streets in my birthday suit crying in ecstasy

    they’ll say omg who the hell is that guy

    you can be all, oh thats the dude who’s worn a cubs hat since he was a little kid. dont call the cops.

    the second reason is whenever i dont wear it people say wheres your hat: i barely recognized you!

    the third reason is it’s an xbi secret weapon

    usually in the very cold coldness of winter i wear a little knit cap because as a bald man my head is as sensitive as your bare ass.

    today was only 4 degrees above zero, not 94 below

    so instead of wearing my Bears knit cap i decided to brave the elements and sport my Cubs hat in the one part of the world where instead of sticking out, i would blend in

    did i want to leave the house at all today?

    of course not.

    but i love my mother deeply, and my family, so i emerged out of the warm bliss of my mom’s home and ventured out into the wonder of illinois in the depths of winter.

    like a g


    my dear mother made a lemon meringue pie for a lonesome shut in across town. which was super nice.


    so we pulled into the woman’s drive way and my mom said, i’ll be right back AND LEFT HER DOOR OPEN AS IF IT WASNT A GAZILLION DEGREES BELOW ZERO oh im sorry 4 degrees above zero AND HER PRIDE AND JOY WASNT GOING TO LOOK LIKE JACK NICHOLSON AT THE END OF THE SHINING UPON HER RETURN!  i covered myself in snow as a what the hell are you doing leaving your door open? which actually was dumb cuz i was freezing to prove a (dumb) point and my mom just laughed at me. which was funny.


    she made it up by saying, lets go to Dick’s and pick out a new cap “Santa” can get for you.
    but i was all, im good.


    i did notice however the branding Da Bears have on pop and even water, which somehow didnt surprise me.


    what did surprise me was this nice gentleman’s 4Runner which proudly displayed his heritage. it wasnt that he was glad to tell the world that he was latino that made me curious, it was what did his love for the Transformers have to do with anything.


    time passed, the bears won, and my mom said, omg i remember yesterday you said how much you’d like to go to Red Lobster.

    i said, id go but in California they don’t drown the shrimps in butter and oversalt the lobsters.

    728788_10151307250818057_1237314717_oshe said you need to try the ones here, and whattya know, Red Lobsters the way they were meant to be: amazing.

    infact so many people had come to RL that our food was a tad tardy in arriving so the manager got on his knees (I ish you not)

    and introduced himself and said im so sorry but your meals will be a little late, is there an appetizer i can get for you?

    and i said A MCRIB! NOM NOM NOM!

    and my mom said, what about a shrimp cocktail? because shes classy.

    and poof out came six jumbo shrimps as we waited.

    mom and i had a really good conversation

    but one thing we didnt discuss was something we had seen at Dick’s Sporting Goods: this mysterious Cubs ball that was colored to look as if it was made of wood.


    if you know me you know that im insatiable at times in my wants and needs, and often the things that i demand are insane or at least partially ridiculous.

    but i have never ever ever said you know what this world is missing? balls made of wood – or imitation wood like baseballs. and as much as i like pretty much anything with the Cubs logo on it, i dont think i could ever imagine a nook or cranny in my many mansions where a wood like baseball would seem at home.

    indeed, it reminds me of that odd Beastie Boys line where outta nowhere Mike D says “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you a cabinet.”

    imagine the confusion if he said, “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you baseballs”?

    im gonna sleep late man, it’s much easier on my constitution

  9. Sunday, December 23, 2012