the little girl doesnt know any fairy tales or chicago bears coaches

niece at christmaswhich is probably a smart thing for her parents to shield her from.

so yesterday as we were watching Da Bears beat the crud outta the Cardinals i was all do you know Ditka?

she said, Whats a Ditka?

so i pulled her on my lap and hugged her and asked ok, do you know the story of Goldilocks?

she said, No.

i was all so you don’t know about Papa Bear Halas then, probs.

she asked WHO?

so i said ok once upon a time this little girl was a lot like you (beautiful, a bit of a smarty pants, and a little cynical) and she was super dooper hungry so she broke and entered into what seemed to be a summer cottage in the woods.

and there she saw three pizzas.

one was deep dish and a little too cheesy. the other was too cardboard because it was frozen. but the other was JUST RIGHT cuz it was from Tony’s Pizzaria over by the river.

so she grubbed out and got sleepy.

my mom my sister my brother in law and my little nephew were all entranced with my tale – which is normal.

so i said little Goldilocks went upstairs to grab some z’s but one bed was a futon and way too hard.

the other was one of those hippie dippy feather beds and was omg too soft

but one was a waterbed and JUST RIGHT and she dove in and fell fast asleep

turned out this wasnt just some second house of some snowbirds currently soaking in the sunshine of Zona for the winter


the first Bear who found her was the littlest one, his name was Lovey. he wanted to lick her cheek and hug her.

as he was about to do that, his older brother Ditka wanted to throw the Fridge at her

hearing all the commotion, Papa Bear, the oldest bear, saw the scene, blew his whistle

and all these Soldiers marched in and shipped her off to Green Bay

where all bad little boys and girls go in the winter


and everyone breathed a sigh of relief cuz they thought, for some reason

that i was gonna say something dirty to my sweet little niece.


when i was done she was all, uh huh can i go now?

and i said, no, now tell us about your Christmas trees.

and she did: