1. Tuesday, December 11, 2012

    threw out my back live tweeting a radio show 

    i can fight hundreds of gang members, thousands of non gang members, and
    eighteen canadians
    and go to work the next morning and no one would ever be the wiser.
    but i live tweet an npr radio show for 10 minutes
    and stretch funny
    and im in agony for the rest of the day.
    im so old, america.
    i sat there in my dumb izod shirt in total pain.
    the very nice engineer got me a chair to sit in
    usually i stand through the show while i do my thing.
    the pain was magnificent.

    so on the way home i knew of a thai massage place that id seen a million times.
    but im nervous that theyre gonna wanna do some funny stuff.
    and weirdly im the only man in the world who actually doesnt want any of that.
    i have a thing about germs.
    anyways i roll in there a little nervous because ive had exactly one
    massage my whole life and that was in cancun with the truest
    as we celebrated the fact we were gonna break up in a month
    true story.
    so i drive into the thai massage place in a strip mall in silver lake
    and theres no place to park, so i consider it a sign and get back
    on sunset blvd and go another block and i see a sign for another joint
    i park go in talk to the nice lady.
    and she says oh you need a deep massage.
    i say great. she says $40. i pay. she says
    i’ll get my brother, ok?

    hmmm. why not. i said pretty disappointedly.
    where i grew up dudes didnt touch each other unless they were
    giving heart transplants
    or ripping their hearts out out of vengeance.
    and yet there i was in the back room stripping down to my
    homer simpson boxers
    and putting my head in the hole in the table.

    turns out the brother is some old timey sensei
    who gave me the absolute opposite i expected when i parked my car.
    first he grabbed the feet and washed them
    i think he was praying in thai.
    i thought i was going to be murdered because i could hear in the hallway
    s b i
    while on the other side of the wall were the sounds of sawing and pounding
    i assumed they were fixing up the next unit over, but who knows in LA
    the brother was kneading my very sensitive feet
    and i was trying not to giggle
    and then he dragged up my achilles and to the calf
    extremely hard.
    and then the calves and the thighs and the hips
    and that ass.
    subtle chinese music was playing at a reasonable volume
    brother used his elbows a lot
    pulled my arms down to my side and worked on the shoulders
    with what seemed to be 25 fingers.
    his magic robe brushed on me as he levitated from the ceiling
    all the time whispering nice spells and dirty jokes.

    i did my best to just relax but he grinded into the back
    in all the wrong spots. my entire body was a wrong spot with bro
    and if he heard something crack he’d go back there immediately and crack it again
    and again and again bubble wrap style
    i was sure he was punishing me for something.
    id gasp with each assault on my person,
    each step his knuckles and palms walked up and down me.
    at first he’d say, “are you ok?”
    and id say ugh yeah
    and then later he laughed during one part
    and asked again, laughing
    and i laughed back yyyyea
    and tensed up for the next assault.

    after he decimated everything he lifted up my legs and crossed them and
    basically i was balancing on my head.
    then he flipped me over put a hot towel on my back
    and karate chopped me the way massages used to be
    before the war.
    and i was all, i wouldnt karate chop a guy with a bad back.
    but he esped me back, this is not karate chop, this is icing on cake.
    and after a while he put another hot towel on there
    thanked me. and left me alone to dress.
    when i got out the sister gave me a coupon for a return visit
    and he laughed at me.
    and then she gave me a little bottle of water.

    incredible massage.
    everything feels great.
    except for what originally hurt.
    but thats mellowed pretty much, so thanks.