threw out my back live tweeting a radio show

i can fight hundreds of gang members, thousands of non gang members, and
eighteen canadians
and go to work the next morning and no one would ever be the wiser.
but i live tweet an npr radio show for 10 minutes
and stretch funny
and im in agony for the rest of the day.
im so old, america.
i sat there in my dumb izod shirt in total pain.
the very nice engineer got me a chair to sit in
usually i stand through the show while i do my thing.
the pain was magnificent.

so on the way home i knew of a thai massage place that id seen a million times.
but im nervous that theyre gonna wanna do some funny stuff.
and weirdly im the only man in the world who actually doesnt want any of that.
i have a thing about germs.
anyways i roll in there a little nervous because ive had exactly one
massage my whole life and that was in cancun with the truest
as we celebrated the fact we were gonna break up in a month
true story.
so i drive into the thai massage place in a strip mall in silver lake
and theres no place to park, so i consider it a sign and get back
on sunset blvd and go another block and i see a sign for another joint
i park go in talk to the nice lady.
and she says oh you need a deep massage.
i say great. she says $40. i pay. she says
i’ll get my brother, ok?

hmmm. why not. i said pretty disappointedly.
where i grew up dudes didnt touch each other unless they were
giving heart transplants
or ripping their hearts out out of vengeance.
and yet there i was in the back room stripping down to my
homer simpson boxers
and putting my head in the hole in the table.

turns out the brother is some old timey sensei
who gave me the absolute opposite i expected when i parked my car.
first he grabbed the feet and washed them
i think he was praying in thai.
i thought i was going to be murdered because i could hear in the hallway
s b i
while on the other side of the wall were the sounds of sawing and pounding
i assumed they were fixing up the next unit over, but who knows in LA
the brother was kneading my very sensitive feet
and i was trying not to giggle
and then he dragged up my achilles and to the calf
extremely hard.
and then the calves and the thighs and the hips
and that ass.
subtle chinese music was playing at a reasonable volume
brother used his elbows a lot
pulled my arms down to my side and worked on the shoulders
with what seemed to be 25 fingers.
his magic robe brushed on me as he levitated from the ceiling
all the time whispering nice spells and dirty jokes.

i did my best to just relax but he grinded into the back
in all the wrong spots. my entire body was a wrong spot with bro
and if he heard something crack he’d go back there immediately and crack it again
and again and again bubble wrap style
i was sure he was punishing me for something.
id gasp with each assault on my person,
each step his knuckles and palms walked up and down me.
at first he’d say, “are you ok?”
and id say ugh yeah
and then later he laughed during one part
and asked again, laughing
and i laughed back yyyyea
and tensed up for the next assault.

after he decimated everything he lifted up my legs and crossed them and
basically i was balancing on my head.
then he flipped me over put a hot towel on my back
and karate chopped me the way massages used to be
before the war.
and i was all, i wouldnt karate chop a guy with a bad back.
but he esped me back, this is not karate chop, this is icing on cake.
and after a while he put another hot towel on there
thanked me. and left me alone to dress.
when i got out the sister gave me a coupon for a return visit
and he laughed at me.
and then she gave me a little bottle of water.

incredible massage.
everything feels great.
except for what originally hurt.
but thats mellowed pretty much, so thanks.