when the xbi wants you

oscar on hollywood blvd

they’ll do anything

oscars envelope

oscar tickets

the problem with trying to recruit xbi agents, especially former agents is we think we’ve seen it all.

xbi valet

our muscle cars have been valeted all over town

elle woods

and our hearts are so pure that everyone looks like Elle Woods to us

tony pierce oscars red carpet

and even though the bulletproof suit is a tad snugger than it used to be, there i was: the sucker nibbling on the bait.

red carpet

not that i was nervous about the stars, they’re locals, it’s cool, but i did feel a lot more at ease when i saw Patt Morrison there


was impressed with how nice everyone was, and how organized it all ran. almost like they’d done this before.

red carpet scene

little known fact: xbi agents dont wear tuxedoes. we think theyre bad luck.

agent johnson

agent “johnson”, hilariously likes to tempt fate, which is why he was the perfect partner/recruiter

follow the blimp

he’s from a different bureau. so when he asked, do you know how to get there?

he laughed when i said: it never hurts to follow the blimp

hollywood blvd

it wasn’t so easy to follow the blimp. streets were closed everywhere.

but luckily when we got to Hollywood Blvd., they were closed for us.

id never seen more security for anything ever, but then i realized it was a live tv show

entering the red carpet

funny story: i left my ID at home. but the xbi was determined to have me in there for some reason, and boom

entering the red carpet

some organizations just know how to get things done. sorta love that.

Quvenzhane Wallis

coolest star we ran into on the carpet? just a little 9 yr old who was up for best female rockstar

nice train

we werent allowed to have actual cameras, even though there were a gazillion of cameras everywhere, so i apologize for the iphone quality

wolfgang puck

sometimes the point is staying more in the moment than trying to document everything

oscar selfie

but deep down theres nothing i love more than documenting things to show you that the stars, they’re just like us

red carpet

one thing i learned: the red carpet had several different courtesy aisles. as in, even if you’re xbi if seacrest dont know ya, dont bother trying to get in the shot. which, for the camera shy, was a blessing.

entering the red carpet

but can we get back to how many people are employed to be there? valet, assistants, security, cops, reporters, handlers, cooks, ushers, waiters, bartenders, fire, doctors, i even met a gentleman who’s job it was to market the awards. he told me that this was the first year he convinced them to allow it to simply be called what everyone else calls it: the oscars

the oscars

red carpet stairs

even before my first glass of bubbly i was glad to be there.

Jennifer Newsom and Gavin Newsom

got to meet Jennifer Newsom who co executive produced The Invisible War which was up for best doc

her husband is Lt Gov Gavin Newsom, former SF mayor and who knows, prob Cali’s next governor

they were super nice. and unlike many, quite tall

looking down on hollywood

adjourned to the smoking balcony, not because i smoke, but thats where the fire usually is

joaquin phoenix

and boom i look across and i think to myself is that Joaquin Phoenix?


so i marched over since the show was fixin to start and wish him luck from the boys and girls who read the busblog

TP: Bro you were amazing in the Master
JP: Thank you. [long drag on cigarette]
TP: I really hope you win
JP: I don’t.
TP: Well you know you were great, right?
JP: Oh don’t do this to me.

so i peaced out and patted the extremely nervous best actor nominee on the shoulder

and was not at all surprised when he appeared super nervous when they called his name


anyways our seats were great, the show was great. Quentin won, Argo won, Christoph won


the only drag was you sorta had to miss some because the breaks were sorta short

during the show

which meant you were forced to eat a wolfgang snack and sip on a free drink while charging your phone. it actually worked out pretty nice if you timed everything right.


speaking of perfect timing, after the show was over we worked our way down to the ground floor and i just happened to run into steven spielberg, who just minutes ago lost best picture and best director

i was all, it’s ok bro, my mom and i loved Lincoln.

everyone laughed.

what was it like? heres a minute of when Jack came out to introduce the surprise guest

special thanks:

agent johnson

agent johnson for using the jedi mindtrick on the ID lady. without you id never have gotten in! thank you!