Justin Bieber, boo hoo victim of the day


a few hours ago everyones favorite canadian teenboy wrote this on his Instagram

Everyone in my team has been telling me, “keep the press happy” but I’m tired of all the countless lies in the press right now. Saying I’m going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. My family is beyond proud, and nothing’s been said by them, my grandparents wouldnt know how to reach to press even of they did want to so that was a lie and rehab cmon. if Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I’m 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I’ve seen the whole world. 19 and I’ve accomplished more than I could’ve ever dreamed of, i’m 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i’m not My messege is to to believe. My albums could be about anything but my messages have been to never say never and believe, not to believe in me but to believe in yourself .. I honestly don’t care if you don’t believe in me because I believe in me, my friends believe, my family believe, my fans believe, and look where that’s gotten me so far.. I’m writing this with a smile on my face and love in my heart. Letting u know first hand how I feel rather than have these story linger. I’m a good person with a big heart. And don’t think I deserve all this negative press I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn’t stop here… All this isn’t easy. I get angry sometimes. I’m human. I’m gonna make mistakes. In gonna grow and get better from them. But all the love from you guys overcomes the negativity. I love u. Thanks

first of all we love u too, Justin.

but there are a few things wrong with your little hissy fit, the first being THAT YOU WROTE IT.

look bro, yes you are the king hot shit pretty boy right now and i’m shocked that Usher hasn’t sat you down and explained this to you but there will be a king hot shit pretty boy tomorrow. you dont think Harry Styles is learning how to play the guitar for his impending solo career?

i can tell you first hand that ungodly talent and ridiculously good looks alone won’t keep you a teen heartthrob forever. patience and cool are the one-two punch secret weapon that separates the men from the boys.

of all the pretty boy heartthrobs that came before you, theres really only one that’s still standing in a way that you probably hope to be one day: Justin Timberlake.

ever see JT write something stupid and pouty on his instagram about his fucking “team” or the countless lies in the press or the concept of “keeping the press happy”?

it is impossible for me to believe that Usher or your manager SCOOTER didn’t tell you that the lies in the press are part of the deal. it is the shell of the lobster meal that you are being treated to on the backs of teen girls every night. you can look at it, but if you stare at it too long you are missing the point of why you have a bib on.

you’re absolutely right, you’re 19 and you’ve had some hits. TEEN STARS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HITS.

but you haven’t had 5 number 1 albums. you’ve had 3: My World, Under the Mistletoe, and your latest Believe. Yes “Believe Acoustic” went #1 in the US and Canada but acoustic versions of the record you just came out with dont count! That’s just the same exact girls using an iTunes gift card they got for Christmas to download your little marketing ploy. Speaking of, “Never Say Never: The Remixes” went #1 in the US because girls named Becky and DJs who like to make fun of you. But it didn’t even get past #5 in your homeland of Canada because even they called bullshit.

you need to pull up your pants and settle down.

or better yet, dont settle down. bang on your drum all day. write a pissed off rock record. DO NOT INSTAGRAM BULLSHIT TO THE WORLD. if Moses could see into the future he would have asked God for a few more commandments and that would have been one of them.

your lifespan is so short, teen pinup boy. Ask Scott Baio, David Cassidy, even Davy Jones. You think you’ve sold records, The Monkees outsold both the Beatles and the Stones in 1967. Sure the Beatles were pretty much at the end of their careers, oh wait that’s not true they released Sgt. Peppers that year and the Stones had the “Between The Buttons” LP that featured “Let’s Spend the Night Together” and “Ruby Tuesday” – so popular they named a restaurant chain after it!

No matter, the Monkees outsold them.

Davy Jones’s career on the Monkees: Five years. (And trust me, you don’t want his solo career.)

Your first record came out three years ago. If you’re already melting down with two more years left in your pop life expectancy what’s to make us think you won’t lose that untouchable status that we have seen Britney, Christina, Lindsay and all the other boy banders (minus St. Timberlake) squander away due to whatever it is that destroys teen stars.

If I was your BFF I would take you on a roadtrip around the US with one Bobby Brown, who yes, today is a joke, but didnt always used to be.

when Bobby Brown was 19, he too was on top of the world – and charts. He’d spun off from the hugely successful New Edition and was already on his second solo record, “Don’t Be Cruel” which featured the monster hit “My Prerogative”. Back then there was a network called MTV. Bobby Brown was all over MTV. Don’t Be Cruel spent 11 weeks at #1 on the R&B charts and six weeks at #1 on the pop charts.

he wore baggy pants so the groupies could secretly please him as he danced around with that fucked up haircut.

i see that you too wear baggy pants and let me tell you if you keep on the path you are currently on that will not be the last of the many things you already have in common with one Mr. Brown.

odds are you are simply heartbroken about your breakup with your ex-girlfriend. its probably the first time that you’ve been on top of the world that you’ve had to deal with actual negativity and it’s probably like what happens to a hot glass when you put cold water in it.

learn from taylor: write about the pain of relationships. and hurt that comes from loss of love.

unlearn from taylor: but don’t throw sweet Selena under the bus. if you write how sad you are and focus the blame on yourself and the situation people will love you even more.

and then rock.

the list of pretty boys from canada who made it big at 19 and still could sell out arenas around the world at 29 begins and ends with Neil Young. and that’s if you consider Neil pretty.

but for everyones benefit lets pretend that you share anything in common with Neil Young.

At 19 Neil Young was no teen idol, but he should have been because on his 19th birthday he penned a little tune called “Sugar Mountain” which should be your new theme song for the rest of this year.

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons
You can’t be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you’re thinking that you’re leaving there too soon
You’re leaving there too soon

It’s so noisy at the fair, but all your friends are there.
And the candy floss you had and your mother and your dad.


There’s a girl just down the aisle, oh to turn and see her smile
You can hear the words she wrote as you read the hidden note.


Now you’re underneath the stairs, and you’re giving back some glares
To the people who you met, and it’s your first cigarette.


Now you say you’re leaving home, ’cause you want to be alone
Ain’t it funny how you feel when you’re finding out it’s real.

After you take that road trip with Bobby Brown, go to Malibu and invite Neil Young to take a road trip with you around Canada.

He’ll say no and he should, because even 19 year old Neil knew what 19 year old you seems to just be discovering

You can’t be 20 on Sugar Mountain.

Now I know your “team” is going to delete that dumbass Instagram post that inspired me to write you because… that’s what teams do.

But I want you to keep it up forever to remind you of the time you fell down the same slippery slope that every big time celebrity found themselves on when they flew a little too close to the sun.

I know Usher provided you with sunglasses.

Use them.