1. Tuesday, March 26, 2013

    people want to talk to me. i just wanna ESP all day. 

    yes that' a lion in the sidecar

    im fat so im eating carrots. went to trader joes last week and i gotta tell you thats not my spot. but all the smart people i know go there and lo and behold there was some crap there that i didnt mind eating. and it wasnt expensive.

    there was a bag of baby carrots. i love carrots if theyre cooked. but i have ADD when it comes to cooking. no patience. the first time i bought a bag of baby carrots, two months ago, i tried to eat them raw. no luck. tried to dip em in guacamole, hummus– it just tasted like dirty rubber in my mouth and i spit it out after a half hour.

    florida gulf coast mascot winsthat bag of pretty orange baby carrots turned ashy and i tossed them.

    while paying for the new bag of carrots from trader joes the guy behind me said, “WERE THOSE THE LAST BAG OF CARROTS THAT WERE ON SALE?”

    hell if i know buddy.

    so this bag i didnt wanna throw out, mainly cuz that guy wanted them so bad. so i put 7 or 8 carrots in a paper bowl with a little water in it. just a little.

    then i microwaved it with plastic wrap over the bowl. and it steamed those puppies and finally i could eat them.

    yesterday i had some cheese puffs in a paper bowl. i was playing NBA Jam on the xbox.

    during the timeouts i would just shove the bowl to my face so as not to get the “cheese” powder on my fingers and gum up my precious joystick.

    and out of the corner of my eye those cheese puffs looked exactly like baby carrots.

    and i felt guilty for about 5 seconds.

    then got heartburn a few hours later

    i know we’re all gonna die, even me.

    i just dont wanna die with cheese puff powder on my nose and lips

    like a common junkie.

    i want there to be carrots next to me so my fans will think im not dead

    i just moved to france or something.