minding my own business trying to get Dodger tickets for Monday

dodgers tickets

so i can boo the crap out of Carlos Quentin

who today was suspended a paltry EIGHT games for charging the mound

so he could perform violence on Zach Greinke.

he succeeded and Greinke’s collarbone was broken and he’s now out eight WEEKS.

but because Quentin is an asshole on top of being a terrible person he has the gall to appeal the “suspension”

which means that when the Dodgers come home from their road trip to play San Dieger at Chavez Ravine on Monday

Public Enemy Number One will be on the field.

rolling stoneswhich means i would like to be in the stands to boo him like i booed Lee Elia way back in the day.

problem is you dont know if he’s gonna play left field or right field,

so how about sitting right behind the visitor’s dugout so as to boo and flip off the dude after every inning?

whats the worst it could set me back: $75? $100? $150?

HOW ABOUT FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS PLUS FEES FACE VALUE.

F O R O N E T I C K E T

for a baseball game in april in los angeles.

that’s more than Rolling Stones tickets!

Dodgers Padres in 2013 is not better than a Rolling Stones show ever.

magic johnson, i realize you come from the world of basketball where it’s perfectly ok to shake down ticketholders

especially those who dare sit near the action.

but thats because your arenas are often 1/2 if not 1/3 the size of baseball parks

and you only play 1/2 as many home games.

baseball is a sport you used to be able to take your whole family to and not have to go back to slangin cane

but im not Breaking Bad. i dont have stacks of crisp bills hiding in a vent in the baby’s room

$400 baseball tickets? Thats that ish I don’t like

why carlos quentin is not allowed to break zack greinke’s collarbone

zack greinke

zack greinke is a soft spoken 29 year old libra who spent most of his professional career in kansas city

where he belongs.

he’s so milquetoast that it wouldnt surprise me if while ordering chicken at kansas city’s famous Gates BBQ

zack would ask that the sauce be mild.

he has quietly earned not just a $147 million contract from the Dodgers,

but they aren’t expecting him to even be their ace.

aces have a wee bit of pizazz, leadership ability… swag.

now you may say, oh but zack is married to emily kuchar, a former beauty queen and dallas cowboy cheerleader

Emily Kuchar dallas cowboy cheerleader 2004

but you know what, mild mannered millionaire baseball players are exactly who beauty queens marry

he didnt build that.

and for all we know, maybe theyre omg in love.

incapable of love, in the red corner is carlos quentin, a former all-star who once was a reliable clean up man

but of late has been hobbled with injuries, however he has one thing he can brag about:

he has been hit by more pitches over the last few years than anyone in baseball.

when that is what you “do”, you dont get to rush the mound when you barely back away from an inside slider

on a full count late in the game in a one-run battle.

for all we know quentin hates greinke for being clean cut and sweet and being on a handpicked team

bound for bright lights, magazine covers, and probable championships.

for all we know quentin is jealous that this team in comparison never gets talked about

and is expected to be the cellar dwellers of the national league west.

and perhaps quentin doesnt appreciate the fact that greinke will make more money this month than he will make all year.

which is a big reason he isn’t allowed to run at him and hurt him in april in san diego:

no one is going out of their way to pay money to see carlos quentin.

in life all of us have a role to play.

sometimes situations arise when we can break out of those roles and stretch.

last night was neither the time nor the place to be the padres’ Enforcer,

mostly because there was nothing to enforce: it was an inside pitch that bro barely backed away from.

matt kemp was right to go cray, he was justified to cause a scene after the game that the cops had to be involved in

and baseball would be right to suspend quentin for a substantial period of time

or worse, allow him to play next week in Dodger Stadium

where justice will most likely be served.

and if that happens, expect to see me there for batting practice.