nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, April 26, 2013

    ive had headaches every day for the last few days, probs from watching the web so much 

    brazilian mob vs asswipe

    but the xbi taught us that if you rub a little tussin on it all will be well.

    and also, if it hurts when you do that: keep doing it till either you die or it goes away

    sorta worked with carpal tunnel, i just kept blogging right through the pain for a good year or two.

    call me stubborn, or too lazy to change, but whatevs, i love the web, mostly for reasons like this

    i was reading a message board and saw the picture above, and i was all, wow whats going on?

    so i reverse image searched it and learned that last year at some feminist rally in brazil,

    this dude whipped out his junk and surprise surprise the ladies didnt appreciate that at all

    which seemed to excite him that much more – which only enraged the crowd, which quickly turned into a mob

    and then thats when this youtuber got his camera rolling:

    no it’s not a happy ending

    but it is a testament to youtube: watch enough of it and you will literally see the world

    usually being ridiculous.

  2. Thursday, April 25, 2013

    someone asked me how my blogging was going 

    david lee roth

    ive never been stumped by a question before.

    blogging should be like walking. you just do it. it gets you there.

    how is your walking going?

    after decades and decades of writing i would hope that the tunnel from the soul to the screen should be

    clear and wide and greased up and smooth

    if youre being honest with yourself and your readers and youre eating right,

    blogging should be a simple as taking a healthy dump,

    so that when you wipe your ass with your critics and haters

    they don’t even notice

    for there is no stain.

  3. Wednesday, April 24, 2013
  4. 12 shows that i remember seeing at the universal amphitheater 

    weezer at the universal

    lisa lisa & cult jam, expose – 1987
    randy newman – 1990
    beastie boys, cypress hill, rollins band- 1992
    weezer, teenage fanclub, that dog – 1995
    marilyn manson – 2001
    kid rock, tenacious d – 2002
    beastie boys – 2004
    barack obama, goo goo dolls, ne-yo – 2007
    kathy griffin – 2009
    mariah carey – 2010
    weezer does pinkerton – 2010
    no doubt – 2012

    rest in peace universal / gibson, i will miss you so very much

  5. yesterday was a busy day for the man with no job 


    had lunch with a famous LA Times journalist at the redwood bar, then scooted over to hollywood and highland


    because glenda and her pal raymond were in town to buy lightsaber shaped e-cigarette pipe deals


    then had thai with the beautiful elaine cha at heartbreak thai which now sports some new Groenings


    but the biggest part of my day wasnt waiting to get the phone number of this nice young lady dressed as something


    nor was it how joyful i was at how many people tweeted my anti cyclavia post


    nor was it eating all you can eat wings at hooters with said glenda and raymond


    no, it was finally getting past episode 5 in Candy Crush thanks to patience, patience and really good luck.


    its now 5:44am so maybe i should call it a day.


  6. Tuesday, April 23, 2013

    one of us one of us 


    for years loyal readers have been privy to the inner workings of my “nephew”

    just this past Christmas you watched him do the Gangham style dance with his sister

    if you noticed there was a time when he didn’t like to be social

    but the xbi saw potential in him and asked me if i was interested in “transitioning” him

    tyler spinning the tea cup

    i was all, absolutely not, this is a kid who gets dizzy in the teacups at disneyland

    shortsop tyler

    and they were like, yeah but he’s also a left hand hitting shortstop capable of anything


    i said no way.

    tyler scar

    and then on the xbi instagram i saw the scar and i was all omg they did it anyways

    after treatment

    the xbi likes to put a chip in the back of the head of its agents

    me from back

    mine is fading, but its still there.

    wooden bathtub

    welcome to the agency, tyler, enjoy your wooden bathtub. you’ll need it.

  7. people get suuuuuuper excited about riding their bikes here in LA 

    tall bike

    its mildly annoying.

    yes some excellent bloggers like wil campbell tomdog and bicycle mark are not annoying

    but most of us had full childhoods and are into driving cars now

    or black helicopters.

    anyways a few times a year they shut down the streets of LA and let people ride their bikes

    people absolutely lose their minds out of joy.

    only way that its tolerable is if youre on a 12 foot bike that could fall at any moment that you stopped

    if everyone had wacky bikes then fine, i would support this spectacle

    otherwise im not at all impressed that omg youre on a bike on a saturday.

    buzzkill i know but whatever

  8. Monday, April 22, 2013

    jack and the monkees know that its good to always be working 


    as fun as it is to relax in the sun of hollywood during a beautiful spring, it’s best to create – especially with others


    imagine if LA was inhabited by a bunch of slackers who were all, lets just chill and enjoy the view

    springsteen walking past the tower records on sunset

    the boss would never would have wanted to see the tower records on sunset

    frances bean cobain

    and frances bean would have just wanted to stay in seattle and be cool.

    howard stern and beth stern

    sometimes i ask myself, how is it that howard stern isnt copied by more people, he is super successful, after all


    and then i realize, many people are afraid to really go for it in life


    even though they know that life is short and the unique things they have to offer could really help people


    imagine if these three bad brothers just said you know we’ll just play music that is mellow and safe


    with that said, sometimes i think people are a little too ambitious and should leave certain things alone


    some things are just perfect the way they are


    ok, it’s bedtime. bon nuit,


  9. Sunday, April 21, 2013

    things paris tells me 

    paristheres good in this world.

    and theres bad.

    the bad is like going into a chinese restaurant and getting food poisoning.

    depending on where you are in life you might swear off chinese food forever.

    or you might never go into that restaurant again.

    or you might just not order that dish from them.

    or you might just shake it off as a bad day at the hong kong cafe.

    there will never be a day on earth where no one gets food poisoning, but that dont mean the worlds no good.

    the world is plenty good.

    just every now and then someone gets lazy and doesn’t wash their hands after take a dump.

    and sometimes its good to just have your insides all cleaned out

    nasty and horrible as it was.

    the cubs are taking a big old nasty food poisoning dump right now.

    103 years in the making.

    its gonna smell for a while worse than you could ever imagine.

    it may sound bad and look bad too.

    but when its over, youre gonna feel like a brand new person.

    life is context.

    this is the pendulum swinging back as far as it can

    right before the inevitable whips it forward.

  10. Saturday, April 20, 2013