when traditional tv fails me, i go to untraditional gossipy crap

where today I learned about Heather Locklear’s exotic beauty secret.

(which turned into something bizarre altogether. thanks heather’s date)

this is being broadcast on over-the-air tv in the late afternoon when kids have come home from school, fyi.

which means im going to demand that my children never come home from school.

but seriously, it turns out there’s a spa in NYC that has a “Babyface Facial”

where for $250 you get an hour-long treatment that includes a solution that includes sperm.

strangely you have to order it off the menu.

before you think omg i wonder what mans dna is on my sweet wife’s face

it’s whale sperm, so its cool.