1. Friday, May 10, 2013

    i really admire people who have a lot of confidence 

    dog about to eat a cupcake

    first thing the xbi does when they get you is they snip that part out of yr brain

    fortunately they also cut out the part that makes you feel pain

    but your esteem is like those metal pasta bowls that you use to drain the water outta.

    18-19 girls can kiss you up and down (which is normal for a chopper one pilot)

    but an hour later you’ll feel empty and alone and worthless and purposeless.

    which is why many xbi agents have a hard time taking a day off and find no comfort in sleep.

    its tricky to resist the agency because very few employment paths can lead to being able to do all the things that xbi agents get pleasure from:

    skaterhelping people
    being creative
    being part of a well organized team
    fighting crime
    travel
    responsible drinking
    being naughty at times
    and being undercover

    fortunately many of us are excellent fakers.

    unfortunately the xbi doesnt like it when their agents try to move on to other lines of work.

    so they will sabotage things like little gremlins, planting poison pills here and there

    so we will have no other path other than to return to the agency.

    the last few months have been tough on me because the xbi has done its best to hack my email,

    steal my snail mail, and redirect the phone calls i have been receiving from prospective employers

    i dont take it personally. it’s how they stay in business. and it usually works.

    but i really dont wanna fly in a helicopter any more. i dont want to live in a lair.

    i dont wanna be surrounded by beautiful women and riches and gunfire and mayhem.

    i want to do simple things like change the world – but on my terms.

    one of the best things i did to “blow my cover” of being an ex xbi agent was to get a license plate that said xbi on my car. didnt work. they smashed it a few times, had it towed, screwed up my insurance so i had to pay $$$$ in monthly insurance.

    and now i sit in my basement watching game of thrones quietly working on a new novella, a followup of Stiff, about angels and demons in heaven, which is hard to do when you have no confidence which is why novels take me over a decade to write.

    and then today a sweet little cherub texted me asking if i saw this sweet podcast where two guys id never met spend a long time heaping praise my way calling me a genius and an inspiration to how they started blogging.

    when youre in the basement, unemployed, being effed with by numerous sources, it’s like a beam of sunlight coming in through a jail cell.

    probs cuz i didnt think anyone even remembered this little blog still existed

    or that i ever walked the earth.

    so thanks Pete and Derek!!!