for some crazy reason she holds me in a very honorable position.
who knows why. dont the spirits and the ancients know im washed up?
dont they know according to the good book im not even supposed to be friends with this very sweet person?
heres a part of what she wrote me the other day, totally out of the blue, not knowing at all that i had a terrible sore throat, a horrible headache, and in such dire need of one nice line of encouragement:
“Tony, i always think of that transition time of yours before when you almost went off in a van to be an itinerant preacher and then..didn’t you become a blogger? the modern preacher pulpit? Im totally wondering what you’re up to. what’s about to come out of you. to me, right now….it looks like a comet, screeching thru you coming to earth… i think im seeing your energy as part of a collective, cuz…i dont think one person cud hold that energy. haaa. its ripping (nicely tho) thru your throat right now….like a dragon burping out a comet…lol….that shud be interesting. and you laughing hysterically w surprise. collect the people you feel around you Tony. something is birthing….and you’ve got a perfect place in it. cant wait to see what it is!!!!!”
just this sunday i was reading deuteronomy 12ish which said in typical old testament terror that we should kill anyone who tried to convince us of any other gods, for ours is jealous.
and usually when this friend of mine points her all-flinching third eye at me i blink and hide behind the old testament
when indeed i should be thinking about what Jesus taught: love yr neighbor,
live as a reflection of Him.
jesus didn’t stone anyone for disagreeing with him.
he didnt burn down any pagan temples. infact the only one he bashed up was one of his own.
jesus did the opposite of hurting anyone: he came down here so he could be hurt.
he took on the challenge that he knew he was meant to accept.
later this friend asked me what i want from the universe because as far as she could tell, the universe hasn’t chosen a path for me.
at that point of my day i was feeling so sick and migraney i could barely think of much
other than i should eat something before i die.
deep down i know that on one hand i ask for big challenges
but on the other hand, when super huge internal challenges come my way i do anything i can to avoid it.
i definitely date the wrong people.
i dress ridiculously.
my apartment looks like a hoarder who doesnt even know what hes hoarding.
meanwhile i know exactly what it would take to get every single thing in my career that i want
but no way in fuck would i ever “sell out” and do those things.
which is crazy because i know, personally, lots of very talented people who didnt sell out at all
and have become very successful in their chosen fields.
ive had several months now to paint, read, travel, bone, rock, excercise and write
and instead ive done jack
my biggest success on this extended spring break was bumping into a killer barber shop
and paying to get my homeless beard removed.
i know that in music there are the rests and then the music
the zero and the one
but now im starting to see that the time has come to