nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, July 31, 2013
  2. the chicago blackhawks are selling bottles of melted stanley cup ice 

    blackhakws icedespite the well-meaning hippie girls i have had the pleasure of knowing, i am still very much a capitalist

    i feel like if there is a market and there is something of value that can be garnered without destroying the environment, sell that damn thing.

    there are some exceptions.

    if you purloined said object for free in good faith that you would take care of it, you should not sell it, you should give it away for free if you no longer want to take care of it.

    karma can be a bitch, etc.

    however ice? aka water? more specifically championship ice


    not only would i sell the crap out of it, if i was the mayor of Chicago id stockpile that stuff and give it away to my constituents whenever possible.

    talk about good will.

    whats especially nice about this unique promotion is the proceeds are going to charity.




  3. Tuesday, July 30, 2013

    things i thought i was gonna do on my spring + summer break, things i actually did 

    quentin tarantino

    things i thought i was gonna do:

    write a screenplay that id let quentin tarantino direct

    clean my apartment

    write a novel about all the hookups ive had that were terrible

    read a couple of books

    hike runyon 3-4 times a week

    paint the walls of my apartment

    dress up like darth vader and do paintings for tourists on venice beach

    go to the movies once a week

    throw all the crap out of my closets

    things ive ended up doing so far:


    partied with the nexus

    watched the entire Game of Thones, Mad Men, Weeds, and Orange is the New Black series

    made it through season 3 of The Wire

    slept in til noon on most days, 1 on others, 2 on some rare yet remarkable days

    had a russian xbi agent climb on top of me and then poison me

    visited  frisco, vegas, and pomona

    rarely ate out, in fact cooked for myself more these last couple months than the entire 2 decades combined

    roosevelt poolapplied for jobs way out of my league and way way way below my pay grade

    chilled at the pool with moxie and ran into alie and georgia

    grew and later shaved off a pretty impressive homelessguy beard

    fell deeply in love with avocados.

    helped a friend detox from booze (without the use of restraints).

    hiked runyon 4 times. nearly passed out in runyon 1 time.

    became addicted and later deleted Candy Crush Saga from my iPhone

    did pretty well in the stock market(?!?!), somehow

    saw Tom Petty at the Henry Fonda for free thanks to Todd Martens

    went to church with a pretty girl.

    went to the library a few odd times.

    soaked in a hot tub on the rooftop of a hollywood apt on the fourth of july.

    read pretty much all of reddit.

    so yeah, #epicfail

  4. Monday, July 29, 2013

    someone woke me up at 10am with a phone call 

    the blues brothers

    which is a very bad thing if you went to sleep at 5am.

    but i got up, took a leak, replied to her by text message and went back to sleep.

    very few things more pleasing than to be able to go back to sleep and not have to wake up till ever.

    especially if theres a perfect breeze sauntering through the open window.

    there was a time in college when we were underage, and the mission was to get beer.

    as we got older it was to get a keg of beer, or many bottles of the good stuff.

    then we decided we would have competitions to see who could skateboard best after 5 shots, then 10.

    but what happens after awhile you see what craziness you could accomplish wasted

    and then at some point the competition is to see how relaxed you can be.

    pretty sure thats how palm springs got invented.

    this unplanned spring and summer break has been a competition with myself

    to see how mellow and isolated and locked in i can be.

    to appreciate the breeze before the second half of sleep

    and to be one with the emptiness


    pro tip: turn off yr ringer

  5. Sunday, July 28, 2013

    best thing Henry Miller ever wrote 

    henry miller amen

    for those of you reading this on a small device:

    What are we here for if not to enjoy life eternal, solve what problems we can, give light, peace and joy to our fellow-man, and leave this dear fucked-up planet a little healthier than when we were born.

    Who knows what other planets we will be visiting and what new wonders there will unfold?

    We certainly live more than once. Do we ever die – that is the question.

    In any case, thank God we are alive and of the stars – into all eternity.


    Henry Miller

  6. whoops, drank too soon 

    ali and katie

    last night i went drinking with ali and katie (pictured) to celebrate the new job i thought i was gonna get

    the perfect job which would lead to the perfect path for me.

    but Fate doesn’t want things to go perfect because, i guess, without friction theres no poetry.

    no one wants to hear how beautiful the meadow is and how pretty the sunset was

    what they want to see is the struggle and how you roll with it.

    in college i was taught that when you wrote tales “create lovable characters and totally screw them over”.

    for the record i dont feel totally screwed over.

    there are people who are in way way way worse places in their lives than I am.

    im healthy, i have a fairly decent resume, and i have an amazing network of amigos.

    and my credit good.

    and my cubs hat collection is on point.

    tron swansonits just annoying because i thought this next chapter of my life was being written.

    the bad part about these kinds of rejections is you never know what happened.

    you never know if it was you and who you are or what you wrote or what you said.

    or if it is something that had nothing to do with you. like did someone with power say oh crap no i want my nephew to have that job.

    in the good book sometimes the Lord hardens peoples hearts so that different results can happen.

    and you just have to go with the flow and trust and continue to live from a place of integrity and calm.

    last night we were drinking downtown and ive never been approached by more homeless people in my life.

    waiting for tacos, walking to the bar, walking to the car… hey man sorry to bother you BUT

    one guy we met was from New Orleans and he had the best lines. but they were suggestive.

    i wish i could remember his lines they were so good. and usually id give the guy a buck.

    but i gave this other guy a buck and i gave this lady my quesadilla.

    i just wanted to get the ladies to their car and get back to hollywood.

    and when we got into the car the once polite bum is now saying he hopes our car flips over.

    just remember, as bad as things are, you probably arent a homeless guy in downtown LA

    with questionable manners.

  7. Saturday, July 27, 2013

    grocery stores need to get it together 

    happy girls holding hands

    ive been using my Vons Club card for probably 100 years now. they should know me pretty well by now.

    they know i eat canned generic peas and string beans.

    busthey know i eat bananas and drink coke.

    and buy two avocados every trip.

    id pay them $5 extra a visit if it was all bagged and charged to my debit card before i ever stepped in the door.

    and i bet you would too.

    And sure Vons wants me to go in there and stroll the aisles for point of sale and impulsive purchases

    but that can be done with the verification email that’s generated

    any time i text Vons from my phone

    to tell them that I’m coming in in a few minutes to get my regular order.

    it can say something like “Lucky for you today is Friday! You can get a whole Boston creme pie for just $5 today. Add this to order?”

    Have like 8-10 add-on suggestions in the email that i can say yes or no to

    and boom youve talked me into all the things that you either want to get rid of

    or things you know i’ll love but only rarely buy.


    make it easy by letting me text Vons when i have arrived in the parking lot

    and watch as peoples faces light up when one of those nice young employees

    rolls out my cart full of crap.

    thats already been charged to my stupid bank card. and all i have to do is sign for it like a Boss.

    best of all: it will cut down on lines at the checkout.

  8. Friday, July 26, 2013