nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, September 26, 2013

    some famous guy once said The Root of all Suffering is Desire 


    forget who said it. maybe they all did.

    but it is hard to look at a kickass swimming pool

    or a shiny car with a Star Wars dashboard

    or a puppy smoking a cigar with a kitten being dealt blackjack by a baby mule with a garter around his bicep

    and not say, why yes, I want that.

    I want that very much.

    one of the nice things about living in LA is you get to watch people get the things

    in some cases all the things

    and then still not be happy.

    you also get to be friends with kids of parents who got that pool or monkey or dinosaur

    and deep down all they really wanted was

    more cocaine.

    it was probably like this way back in the dark ages too.

    but its fascinating to watch people keep doing the same thing

    keep hitting on 19

    even though the dog barks

    and the mule snorts.

  2. dear tony, im about to make the worst mistake of my life 

    hollywood shoes

    what should i do?


    someone who has made a few mistakes

    dear someone,

    i used to think my advice was good but the more i see how people do things, the more i realize i dont know jack.

    i think i know, but i do it and sometimes it works out sometimes it doesnt.

    a chicken flipping a coin would have as much success with my life choices as i have.

    a monkey spinning a roulette wheel would do better at picking what should happen on my MLB fantasy teams.

    its not that ive made completely regrettable choices in Life

    well theres that one, and that other one, and probably 2 others

    but for the most part my decisions were pretty easy to make and you would have made them too.

    the best decision i ever made was starting this blog a thousand years ago.

    which was also something i probably shouldnta done, at work, on a work computer.

    even if it was during my two gov’t mandated 15-minute breaks, and lunch

    the thrill of being found out or caught or booted because of it all lent to part of the edge.

    in fact so much of the fun of life is being with the wrong girl,

    partying in the wrong house, wearing the wrong hat, driving the wrong car

    robinson carusos dad told him to take the middle safe path

    but aint no one writing no books about robinson carusos boring dad.

    as long as your terrible mistake doesnt involve hurting anyone else, do your thing

    yolo, miley cyrus, snapchat , stand with cruz for all i care

    but wear a condom,


  3. Wednesday, September 25, 2013

    remind me to be anonymous in my next life 


    all you gotta do is one (v funny) stencil and youve got the


    instagramming your possible return to a big city?

    thats genius if you ask me.

    i had a few very nice conversations over beers last night.

    i had some very nice phone conversations minus beers today.

    one was held over skype which is still a miracle to me.

    ginsberg howl

    my text message machine was interesting as always.

    one gentleman is a photographer on a brand of movie set

    he takes the most beautiful photos, for free, because you too would take those pictures for free.

    then a girl in rollerskates rolled into my courtyard and over the steps and onto my porch

    and knock knock knocked on the door and i was startled because i wasnt expecting visitors

    and i opened the door and she said

    are you listening to that new elvis costello and the roots?

    and the jewels of her necklace just led to the one spot a gentleman is not supposed to

    stare at, but for one, random question, lady

    and two, what was the question?

    she said its called Wise Up Ghost

    the cover looks like Howl

    it’s on the legendary Blue Note Records

    and its a groovy chilled out stroll through R&B in a darker way than Get Happy

    but if you’re tired of the americana of National Ransom and that other one, then

    Wise Up Ghost

    and the earth split in two and she fell into the crack and i shut the door and went back to sitting in the dark

    not on the album:

  4. dear tony, Green or Pink? 

    sass in pink IMG_6972

    im not sure exactly how i continue to be given these assignments.

    my personal fashion choices usually revolve around: what is clean, what is most wrinkly,

    and what goes best with a Cubs hat.

    but strangely the most beautiful women ask my advice on what they should wear

    even though my first response is usually haminahaminahamina.

    me personally i dont think men should ever tell women what to put on their body or what to do with their body

    if anything we should just be happy that this isnt a planet filled with men.

    these two looks by Sass bring home that point beautifully.

    although they are both very playful and young, i feel like the pink one wouldn’t be complete without a curved staff.

    the green one is a touch more subtle but still adorbs.

    because im a scientist at heart id like to see that one with the cream socks, but again, who am i to wonder.

    forgive me.

    anyways, the green, to me is more welcoming, the pink is too bright a light, it’s the star trek phaser on stun.

    if you have outfits you’d like me to choose between email them to me at


  5. Tuesday, September 24, 2013

    theres a very hairy cat living under my house 


    i know this to be true because i saw it crawling under the house when i opened my door to get the paper

    elmo balloons pinata

    also i know because im allergic to cats and my gnose has been saying wtf tony seriously w t royal f


    this cat has big sad eyes like those paintings of cats and clowns and kids dancing from the 70s


    so i put water in a tuperware bowl and i caught it drinking it and then laying in the dirt like it was the best water ever


    decided if i ever saw it again id name it Dirrty because its the only long haired cat i knew who liked the dirt so


    was in the grocery store and the saran wrap was next to the cat food and i considered buying some but


    i figured i have two new neighbors. one on one side, one on the other, maybe they wanna adopt a cat


    or maybe this is their cat already they just like to let it be free like abe lincoln so i didnt buy none


    then this morning i heard an odd noise. seems the cat durn scared the squirrel up the durn evergreen


    the squirrel was making hey scram cat sounds but that cat dont know the language of squirrels


    and just stared up there with those big dumb eyes. laying in the cool morning dirt.

    fine wine

    not even knowing this is hollywood.

  6. Monday, September 23, 2013

    today is bruce springsteens birthday, he’s 64 

    Bruce Springsteenfor a very long time i had a bruce springsteen poster over my bed.

    def all through college.

    one reason was in 1984 when born in the usa came out, and catapulted the jersey rocker from arenas to stadiums, i saw the light at the LA Sports Arena.

    it was right around this time of year. the album was so popular in part because nearly all the songs were so good. how is that possible on your 7th album? (Shut up U2’s Joshua Tree).

    But seriously almost all of these songs got heavy radio (and MTV) play from 84-86:

    Side one
    1. Born in the U.S.A.” – 4:39
    2. Cover Me” – 3:27
    3. Darlington County” – 4:48
    4. Working on the Highway” – 3:11
    5. Downbound Train” – 3:35
    6. I’m on Fire” – 2:37
    Side two
    1. No Surrender” – 4:00
    2. Bobby Jean” – 3:46
    3. I’m Goin’ Down” – 3:29
    4. Glory Days” – 4:15
    5. Dancing in the Dark” – 4:00
    6. My Hometown” – 4:34

    One of the biggest lessons I learned from Born in the USA was about backlash.

    Even though the themes are relatively tame (except for the title track), some people had just had ENOUGH of springsteen and his alleged nationalistic tornado that blew around the planet on a world tour that filled the biggest venues in the land.

    While sitting in the very back of the LA Coliseum with 100,000 of my closest friends i thought about those haters. And I concluded that no matter what you do: write love songs, raise awareness about local homelessness, and freaking rock the house each and every night: some people just gonna hate.

    So relax. You will never do anything as successful as this album and tour. So if they’re gonna protest and talk trash about Bruce, of course they’re gonna hate on you too. So rock and ignore the buzzing feedback. If anything shove that guitar right in the amp and bring more.

    Happy birthday Boss.


  7. Sunday, September 22, 2013

    last night the replacements played the busblog theme song 

    but first Paul gave Tommy a hard time for being in… Van Halen

    Kiss Me On The Bus
    Sire Records, 1985

    On the bus, that’s where we’re ridin’
    On the bus, okay, don’t say hi, then
    Your tongue, your transfer,
    Your hand, your answer

    On the bus, everyone’s lookin’ forward
    On the bus, I aint lookin’ forward
    And everything ain’t okay
    I might die ‘fore Monday
    They’re all watchin’ us

    Kiss me on the bus
    Kiss me on the bus
    If you knew how I felt now
    You wouldn’t act so adult now
    Hurry, hurry, here comes my stop

    On the bus, watch our reflection
    On the bus, I can’t stand no rejection
    C’mon, let’s make a scene
    Oh, baby, don’t be so mean
    They’re all watchin’ us

  8. dear prospective employers 

    tommy and paul

    this blog is a work of fiction. nothing in here is true.

    interns write the bad stuff, aliens from outer space write the good stuff.

    me i moderate the comments.

    this blog, the busblog, has been around since the month before 9/11.

    it has changed and morphed and devolved and dissolved into whatever it is that it is now.

    ive never had a boss say that busblog you better take it down for your own good and the good of this company

    in fact ive only had one boss who admitted to even reading it regularly and only at the beginning did he say take it easy on the amazingness, how about giving us some of that instead.

    in many ways this is an open sketch book, a semi journal of fictional dreams

    i really dont fly a black helicopter

    i really dont have amazing text conversations.

    no babes really <3 me im just a boring old bald man sitting in a tree b-l-o-g-g-ing

    ps i also like miley cyrus covers by dudes on acoustic guitar who make funny faces

  9. i applied for a job the other day to work in hawaii 

    bacon egg

    would i move out of my perfect hollywood bachelor pad

    and live far away where i dont know one soul.

    yes, yes i would.

    i watched the first episode of breaking bad tonight

    and it’s weird how they repeated a lot of the same themes and scenarios in the last few episode.

    i totally forgot that in the first episode walt washed a kids car and later paid a silent native american with handfuls of cash. and for those of you who are caught up you know about walts relationship with car washing and last week he ran into a quiet native american older gentleman.

    when i came to LA many moons ago i went to a school where i didnt know a soul.

    the first two apartments i shared with roommates id never met before and in santa barbara i didnt know no one there neither.

    everything always works out.

    for everyone except this cat outside my window. its meowing but in a terrifyingly human way.

    hollow. it cries. hollow.

    i’d let it in but i dont want some weird cat looking at me and occasionally making sounds like a person.

    maybe thats why the last guy kicked it out.