nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 28, 2013

    procrastinating barack obama answers questions originally meant for other people 

    Barack Obama on his mac Q. How did you get to where you are now in your career?

    A. God, a great wife, a clean suit, perfect timing, and a few excellent speeches.

    Q: Favorite non-WNBA athlete?

    A: Takeru Kobayashi

    Q: What’s the last thing you saw on stage that you really enjoyed?

    A: Tom Waits sang in public for the first time in 5 years last night. I love when he does Tom Traubert’s Blues.

    Q: What’s your favorite sports movie?

    A: 300

    Q: What did you learn from the worst boss you ever had?

    A: When you’re being disrespected at work, that’s the angels telling you there’s something better over yonder.

    Q: What is the guilty pleasure you could go broke buying?

    A: Grillz

    Q: What always surprises you about NYC?

    A: How so many people afford to live there.

    Q: Three things you can’t live without

    A: Mom jeans, chewy chips ahoys, left handed scissors

    Q: If you could shadow any designer for a day, who would it be?

    A: Betsey Johnson

    Q: Would you be a better center fielder for the Nats or point guard for the Wizards?

    A: Hitting a baseball is nearly impossible at the professional level. That’s why we should forgive Pete Rose. I’d put him on the $3 bill if I could.

    Q: How do you handle stressful situations and working under pressure?

    A: The first job I ever had I got paid $3.35 an hour to mop puke (and worse) out of a McDonald’s bathroom. All jobs since then have paid more and were far more fun. Any time I feel stress at work I think this is still more fun than that.

    Q: What was the first Grateful Dead song to really flip your wig?

    A: I’ve always been fascinated by Friend of the Devil. It was playing in the car when i was little and my mom turned it off. Is it wicked? Is it super loving? Who knows? Recently I heard Tom Petty cover it in LA and I thought it was fantastic.

  2. theres three things i couldnt live my life without 

    bargains - metallica

    music, movies, and tv

    and coca cola.

    yesterday this very wise man wrote on my facebook wall: i couldnt name one Lou Reed song to save my life.

    and i thought what sort of life are you leading where you dont know any velvets tunes by name

    i dont mean that in a judgemental way, more a curious way


    sort of life are you leading where you dont wake up on sundays to sunday morning

    or when youre climbing a roof to align a directv dish you dont hum a little satellite of love

    or when someones mean to you you really dont say

    vicious, you hit me with a flower.

    tv is constantly on except when im blogging

    and the movies is seriously something i try to do once a week

    this week the vistas got 12 years a slave which might be a bit heavy after seeing capt phillips

    but i used to have this deal i made with myself to see all the movies the vista shows

    since its such a great theatre and if you go before 5pm its $6.

    perhaps someone would look at me and ask well what sorta life do you have left

    after consuming all of that media, and the internet, and sports, and the blogosphere

    and the bible, and the drip drip drip of my kitchen sink

    and the mexican chatter at the taco truck.

    other day i was getting some grilled chicken and this muscular black dude comes up to me and says i dont need any money but i could use your phone, dont worry he sees me im not gonna run off with your iphone

    and he looks over by the subway stop and sure enough theres a sheriff car up on the sidewalk near the fence and hes looking at us.

    black dude holds out a piece of paper with a 323 number and i say fine, dial it up man.

    and we stood there for an uncomfortably long period of time where he talked to this dude on vermont and 3rd? oh no, vermont and 103rd. well do you want me to come over or not?

    look im a personal trainer, your people are going to like me, dont worry about that. so what time? well why would your phone be in airplane mode for a few hours?

    maybe i’ll just get on this vermont bus and head down there. i dont like to be in your part of town at dark. so 5? ok i’ll call you i a few hours.

    thanks brotha.

    i sanitized my phone as soon as i got home cuz the whole thing gave me the willies.

    which is weird because i bet you that guy could name a lou reed song.

  3. Sunday, October 27, 2013
  4. today lou reed died, he was 71 

    Lou RIP

    as a kid i would get “Walk on the Wild Side” confused with the Kinks’ “Lola” and Barnes & Barnes’ “Yoda”

    but after working a few months in the West LA record store in college i soon learned lots about Lou and his band the Velvet Underground.

    one good thing about being as old as i am is i was working at that record store when Polydor/Mercury decided to re-release the Velvet catalogue because cds had just come out and they wanted all the boomers to feel cool again.

    because of that we were flooded with all these mysterious records, one of them was VU. no idea why that one attracted me but i took it home and played it over and over.

    lou reed in la

    especially Stephanie Says.

    people call her Alaska?


    when i told my cohort Willie Aron he was all, “Lou Reed is Godhead” and told me i needed to get all of the Velvets’ work, immediately, otherwise why bother with anything else.

    and as usual, Willie was right on the money.

    not only did i get to see Lou Reed play once, at SXSW, i got to meet him.

    the day after he took the stage with Moby to do Walk on the Wild side, he was walking across the street from the venue.

    i walked all the way over to where he was so i could walk along with him. this was 2008, a little more than five years ago. and even then, upclose and personal he looked frail.

    i said, hey Lou i saw you last night over there, and pointed to the building. you were amazing.

    he looked at me. didn’t smile.

    but said thanks.

    was very much looking forward to seeing him play this spring in downtown LA.

    and when the show was canceled i was all uh oh. and remembered our lengthy chat.

    if i was Obama i would have gotten on tv and said, we’re gonna have the flags at half mast today

    and if anyone wants to come over and play some old records, we’ll be streaming it on whitehouse.gov

    dude wrote maybe 40 super great songs. if you’re lucky you can write 2. lou wrote 40.

  5. Saturday, October 26, 2013

    this is the sort of thing that happens to the cubs 

    sorry it happened to you, red sox

    there should be replay in baseball.

    on every play if you want.

    but especially on the important ones.

    they should also give away lemonade at ballgames for free.

    maybe have a tip jar and all the money goes to a nice orphanage or something.

    but personally i dont care if baseball games last 5 hours.

    on paper they could go 29403528934890435897 hours.

    just get it right.

    stop teaching little kids that its ok to totally be wrong.

    bro at 3rd did not obstruct by laying on his belly

    on the 2nd base side of 3rd base.

    we deserve as close as excellence in our national pasttime.

  6. Friday, October 25, 2013
  7. Thursday, October 24, 2013

    was pleasantly blown away by captain phillips today – who knew tom hanks was killer? 


    and who knew so many people had nothing else to do at 11am in Glendale? even the pigeons were all like whatever


    its 925pm on thursday. will the big job i really really really want say yes to me by this time tomorrow?


    i know i would do great at this job, i know it. id work like crazy. and id have a boss that omg wants creativity.


    did you know i have a diploma from the college of creative studies?

    no one ever said study here and you’ll get the perfect gig. they just said, come with us. it’ll be alright.


    this is one of those jobs id do for free if i won the lottery and knew sitting on the beach sipping rum would get boring


    this is a job even the xbi would say yeah we can see you doing that. we’d rather you came back to us, but that make sense.


    but whats so weird about life is, so often the things that make sense dont even get a chance


    which is why im nervous tonight i am so ready to rock its ridiculous.

    this spring break summer vacation has been swell, but it’s time to shine, busbloggers.

    so think good thoughts.

  8. Wednesday, October 23, 2013

    I’m in line at the slowest car wash in Hollywood 


    But the reason we put up with it is because on Tuesdays and Wednesdays it’s $3. Even an unemployed loser like me can afford that.

    For some reason the LA city works dept put signs on my street this morning at 8am saying temporary no parking from 7am-4pm. Tow away. They wanna fix the pipes under the street.

    We have this problem in LA where 100 year old water mains are exploding. So thanks for being proactive but THE TIME TO TELL PEOPLE TO MOVE THEIR CARS ISNT THAT MORNING ITS THE DAY BEFORE!

    Stuff like this is why I have high blood pressure.


    What if I wanted to sleep in today, the morning after my birthday? What if I had parked my car in front of my house and flew to Manhattan for a few days for a job interview?

    Would I have returned to a missing (dirty) car?

    This is why people move to the woods. This is why people lose their minds. This is why people just go to the movies all afternoon to escape. And eat popcorn and fall asleep in the balcony.

    This is why I’m fat.