1. Friday, November 8, 2013

    dear tony, my boyfriend is so jealous it’s driving me crazy. help! 

    bloggentle reader,

    jealousy is a terrible disease that takes years and years to get over, and even then it might spring up when you least expect it.

    and whats worse is, the more confident you are in your walk, the more jealous the person you love can become.

    they see all the life and vigor and energy radiating from you and they think to themselves, “theres no way this magical creature could really love me. im so wretched, im so horrible. im so ugly. im so… whatever. surely they are so happy because they’re up to no good on the side because no way could i be giving them the joy they are exuding.”

    there are several ways to handle men who are super jeals and untrusting.

    1. dare them to be men, not mice. men are just big boys and we need women sometimes to remind us that we are mightier than we know. one way to do that is to dare us to be better. we love to be dared and challenged and pushed and most of us hate to think that we’re not “manly” – whatever that is. find out who your dude’s male hero is and say “do you think he acts this way when his girlfriend goes out on the town?”

    2. look them straight in the eye and speak to the darkest part of their pupil. and say “whoever is in there telling the man i love all this bullshit needs to knock it off because i cant live my honest life being doubted. i dont deserve it and he doesnt deserve it.” then kiss him on the cheek and turn on the tv.

    3. take a picture of your lips. text it to your man. and in the message write: these are only for you, unless you keep this bs going. then they will never be for you. i am a good girl and you are listening to the doubts in your head instead of the words coming out of these lips. you can only believe one of us. if you choose to believe that nonsense, that is your choice and yours alone. and your choice will break us apart, not anything ive done.

    4. be a scientist. tell your dude that he gets to give you 10 pop quizzes over the next 30 days. at any time you are apart he is allowed to text you with these words: i have a horrible psychological problem that has zero to do with you, please take a picture of where you are and who youre with. reply with as many pictures or videos as it takes to prove your location and audience. after youve sent the images, write i love you, you have 9 more left. this is not to be a long term invasion of privacy. just a random sample of your life that you are free to refer back to if he becomes a whiny whinestein again.

    5. remind him of The Three Legged Stool of Love –  for any relationship to work it needs three things: honest communication, the desire for the relationship to work, and trust. if any of those things are missing the stool falls apart. and if he refuses to trust you, it’s perfectly ok to beat him over the head with the worthless wood on your way out the door.

    good luck! you’ll need it!