nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, October 29, 2014

    the kittens have free reign of my home, except for my bedroom 

    ariana grande

    at first i did that because they had fleas, but now that they are flea-free i keep them out just in case.

    it’s bad enough for the women in my life that im in the bed, they sure as hell dont deserve fleas.

    anyways last night in the middle of the night i heard the door open and then the kittens jumped into my bed.

    please dont turn us into eunuchs they begged and cuddled up with me.

    i picked them up in the dark and tossed them into the hallway. then took a leak and wondered how they figured out my deadbolt.

    as i tried to get back to sleep i heard them scratching under the crack in the door

    and then trying to bulldoze the door open.

    but i sleep like a rock so soon i was back to the black movie screen called tonys dreamland.

    when i woke up at 6:30am i showered got dressed and put them into their travel crate: which was more difficult than normal because i swear these animals KNEW what was going to happen.

    i took one of the plastic newspaper bags that wrapped the morning paper and i swung it above them

    they love jumping for plastic bags. and i tossed it into the crate and one followed it in there and the second one was easier to trap.

    and we drove to echo park. led zep was playing in the vet’s joint, which made me feel better.

    and after paying $269 for Michael and $169 for Prince,

    they will no longer be able to procreate.

    i dont care if they hate me. i can take it.

  2. Tuesday, October 28, 2014

    this is prince, he’s gonna get his balls cut off tomorrow 


    ive never been responsible for doing that to a living creature before

    so i’m giving him a little special attention tonight.

    sad thing is i had to take food away from he and his sister michael and theyre both sniffing around

    seeing if somewhere theres some damn food.

    shes getting her tubes tied tomorrow.

    population control is super important, but when it comes down to it you’re still changing someones life.

    prince is my favorite. he sits outside of my door.

    any time i come home he runs toward me.

    he’ll sleep on my arm as i watch tv on the couch.

    trusts my every move.

    his sister is an actual cat.

    shes gonna hate me even more when she figures out what happened.

  3. theres a lot to hate about the St. Louis Cardinals 

    nice touch cardinals

    they win too much
    they fired harry caray
    they stole Lou Brock from us
    and of course many of their fans are racist
    well some of them.
    (although not my friends from blogger/twitter/LA Times)

    but tonight they did something not terrible.

    On Sunday their top prospect, Oscar Taveras, a right fielder, died in a car crash near his home in the Dominican Republic.

    He was just 22.

    So tonight in Busch Stadium they turned on the lights in right field.

    slow clap

  4. the irony in this statement is ironic 

    cameron diaz something about mary

    “I remember seeing There’s Something About Mary in the theaters when I was in my 20s, and there’s Cameron Diaz, who looks like Cameron Diaz, but she’s also a doctor, and she also loooves hamburgers, and she starts out playing golf in the morning, and all she wants from a man is a guy who wants to take her to a football game, and she wants to eat hot dogs and drink real beer. Real beer! And I thought, Wow, that’s a cool girl! And then I thought, Oh, right. She’s been invented by guys.”

    – Gillian Flynn, author of Gone Girl
    via vulture

  5. Monday, October 27, 2014
  6. still only a buck 

    still only one buck jay cutler

    took the cats to the vet yesterday after the bears lost and you know how they put animals to sleep when they’re old?

    thats what i wanted them to do to me after my team fell to last place in the nfc norris

    this isnt supposed to happen to anyone but the Cubs.

    and the reason why i believe you should never pay a quarterback more than a few million bucks

    until he gives you a ring.

    pretty boy jay is making $127 million over seven years. and he’s terrible.

    was terrible before they gave him the dough ray me but he’s handsome and tall

    and looks like the type of guy who should be a gazillionaire.

    so he got it.

    i dress like a bum so guess what i’ll never make that sorta money which is fine.

    when youre hungry you produce things. you hustle. you cant afford to be lazy and horrid.

    my tv works now as does my internet but sometimes i wish i was still in the dark ages.

  7. Sunday, October 26, 2014

    after awhile you know whats going on 

    tumblr_ncgricQjyS1socxyho1_500theres an intuition, a confidence.

    theres no need to be cocky about it. thats for the sucker mcs.

    but in your heart you know before you do it how its gonna turn out and as it unfolds you really cant blame anyone but yourself when it plays out the way you always knew it would.

    it was about 1:20am. it wasnt surging yet in DTLA but i knew it would in about 15 minutes.

    i was parked on 7th street near Broadway and if i was a smoker i woulda hopped out of the car, found a friendly nook in a building to lean against and burned my fag.

    instead i failed at the game of Patience, turned on the app and got dinged over by the Arts district. instead of refusing it to wait for the rates to double, i thought, you know, it’ll probably be a short ride to the other part of DTLA and you’ll be perfectly situated for bars to close.

    but a part of me said, it’s not worth it for a $5-$10 ride.

    it took 11 minutes to get there and then they made me wait for 5 minutes. all of it was torture.

    you dont really Uber *for* the money, but there are certain times of the night where you can easily make $80-$100 in one ride. if you’re patient: and lucky. i was neither. i could have canceled the ride after five minutes but i was already way over there in the arts district and i didnt wanna be the reason someone hated uber.

    of course we had to drive all the way to hollywood. of course then the guy wanted his friends to get dropped off first and then he wanted to go to silver lake.

    misery misery misery as he just texted and tweeted the whole time as we drove cheap miles eating away at the clock.

    and i reminded myself no one was gonna get rich with uber except the founders and the pre-ipo stock holders. just enjoy the yeah yeah yeahs playing on sirius.

    finally dropped him off and saw DTLA was surging at 4x the rate and i said never again. and suffered.

  8. Saturday, October 25, 2014

    the role of a journalist is to do things and go places 

    katie bain and bwhere most people dont get to go

    and talk to people that most people arent able to talk to

    and afterwards you tell your brothers and sisters what you saw and learned.

    i find it ironic that many of my friends who are (or were) professional journalists

    don’t readily blog or do their role despite the fact that they travel and talk with some of the coolest people in the world.

    fortunately katie bain is the exception to the rule. the other day she went into the woods and listened to that music the kids are all koo koo about and when it was over she omg came home and wrote it down.

    here’s an excerpt:

    The concept at this camp is simple and completely fucking genius. You arrive, take off all of your clothes, get inside a huge shower with a bunch of other people, get wet under the shower heads and then get sprayed with soap hoses by people standing above you on an elevated platform. You then dance around in the shower while accidentally (or not, I suppose) sliding up against the other naked soapy bodies around you. Then the people on the platform spray you down with a hose. When you are sufficiently rinsed, you leave the shower and move to the adjacent dance floor, where there is a DJ and an area to brush your teeth, slather yourself in lotion and drink cans of yerba mate while drying off in the sun.

    now you may not think that your lives are as exciting or as interesting as that, but im here to tell you you couldnt be wronger.

    there are subtleties about your life that are just as beautiful and insightful as anything dr. thompson or ee or ms bain has ever jotted down.

    and you’d be lying if you said there was no drama or breakthroughs or surprises that, after the end of the day, you didnt say omg i really need to tell my friend about that.

    we are that friend. and no one can tell it better than you.

    for once in your life ignore that annoying voice in your head that says your stories dont matter or the world will implode if you typed it up or blah blah friggin blah.

    it is the role of a journalist to tell their brothers and sisters what theyve seen and the catch is, we are all journalists.