“don’t say that :( we have to be brave”
little does she know I’ve already time traveled so I could meet her as a teenager
and still I was spazzed out
We went to the bank, the drug store
And then to his finances crib
He was upgrading that’s for sure.
However as we pulled away from his place we saw three young ladies
Who I’ll tell you if I was their parents I’d be crying
He and I said to each other: are there even any bars around here?
He said well I’m engaged so I’ll pass that question to you.
I said fine.
He said, you go carry that weight.
Which was beautiful.
ive always wanted to be a cab driver because i always thought bukowski would have been a great cabbie
if he hadnt been a total drunk.
fortunately for LA i’m not a total drunk, so last night when i received my uber phone (finally) i hit the road.
my buddy dave sorta warned me that there might not be a lot of customers out there but he lives in the hoity toity part of town and i live down with the riff raff (comparably) so i figured i might have a better shot at it all. and it was true.
first thing i did was program the phone so it could pay me. sorta important. i dont plan on getting rich from this side job but i would like to use it to pay my rent which is about $1,000 a month.
that means if i uber for 20 days a month id have to make $50 on average a day and boom.
but the real reason i wanted to do it was to be of service to people and drive around this city that i love that ive been in for longer than most of you have been alive.
uber trains you to not turn on your phone unless youre actually in your car and ready to rock. they also say that riders like it when your car is clean on the inside and out. so i drove down to the shell station on sunset to get a car wash because i knew they have specials on tues and weds of $3 for a car wash.
so i got in line. only one person was in front of me. their dryer has been broken since the summer so its actually a pretty fast line. when whattya know beep beep beep im getting my first call!
murphys law someone pulls up behind me and im trapped. so i see the person is on delonge pere which is about a mile away. i want to honk at the lady in front of me because shes trynig to dry her car but its broken lady go already! but i was raised right. also sometimes when you honk at people they stop instead of going.
she pulls through eventually but wants to stop as soon as she gets out which is blocking me. most people i realize actually use the car wash but WHO STOPS AT THE EXIT? ANSWER: LOTS OF PEOPLE AND ITS SO RUDE.
anyway i get on the road and it turns out the guy is a sound engineer at a bar right next to the capital records building on vine. who doesnt know that place so we’re off an running. i go hey do you realize you live right next door to where Bukowski wrote a bunch of awesome novels?
dude, who is sitting in the front seat with me goes, oh yeah Bukowski Court. my manager knew him.
and with that i was all, this is gonna be awesome.
drop him off no problem. $6 fare. i swing around down hollywood and beep beep beep a second call. this is gonna be amazing. something something argyle. where the hell is argyle. IM ON ARGYLE says my in car GPS. oh sweet.
turns out its three gay guys at the W and they wanna go to West Hollywood. they all sit in the back seat, squooshed. super nice guys from outta town. i dont wanna be too chatty but they dont really wanna talk to each other for some reason so theyre asking me quesitons as i drive down santa monica blvd. theyre from outta town. gonna be going to frisco over the weekend. all they wanna do is get smashed at the bar. i admit that weho is not the part of town i know very well, they say no prob we know exactly where this bar is.
and when we get there omg what a scene even from the street. some guy has his shirt off dancing on the table. a big drag queen is making the rounds. from the outside it seems like the funnest party in town. fare was $11 and i head to the sunset strip.
i cruise slowly past the the Viper Room and see a band loading out. theres something happening at the house of blues. nothing happening at Saddle Ranch. then i remember i have a prescription ive gotta pick up at the walrgreens by my house. as im parking there beep beep beep. dude waiting at the Ralphs on Hollywood.
super nice guy with four bags of soy milk. we put it in my trunk. hes blown away that im driving a brand new car. he says he lives in he hollywood hills. and he sure as hell does. hes probably a director or musician of some sort because his neighborhood is sweeeet. $6 fare and i call it a night because its 11:30pm now and ive ubered for 90 minutes. not sure if imma pay rent off it. but today i will start right after work.
what i will say is its fun and im learning the streets a lot better right away.
it can’t be because of the food. ours is fine but its so petit. georgia has way better grub
it cant be because of our sports teams. the lakers are horrible and the angels are worse
it cant be for the swimming pools. even david hockney doesnt wanna swim here any more.
and our grooming habits are just bizarro. dudes really want brazilians here? screw manscaping.
real men eat real donuts, not fronuts.
not the fins of sting rays – despite how delicious they are. and amazing. and better than youd expect.
did we mention the fronuts cost as much as a box of Twinkees?
superstar record producers know better than to dive in head first into LA when theyve got a perfectly good thing going
in the dirty south.
if you see this man walking in LA tell him you understand why he just wants to dangle his pinky toe into our pool
and not truly dive in.
LA is all hype anyways.
it’s way better on the silver screen.
how adorable is she.
i cant wait to turn 17.
yr brother and i had a really good night.
i picked him up at Pinks, he didnt like his hot dog, so we drove around hollywood to west hollywood to beverly hills
and finally stopped on 3rd street and had a drink before we went to the fonut store
fonut is a new donut thats made out of magic and air and negative calories.
you lose weight eating it.
you also go back in time a little.
only drawback: theyre $3.50 each. but you get to talk to a pretty girl.
heres what i said to her which you would have called flirting but i woulda called journalistism
busblog: it must be really hard to not eat every donut in here
babe: oh yeah super hard, but i havent eaten one in a year
ok enough stories, im exhausted, we drank and ate and drank and ate and drank water
and walked around and now im pooped. i tell you more tomorrow when im more alive
Kim Kardashian’s mom and I were waiting for the valet today.
I said, “I loved your talk show”.
I said, “can I have a picture?”
She said, “ok”.
I got ready and she said “no no no, only if we’re together”.
So I said “one two three selfieee”!
and of course screwed up the pic entirely.
or did i?
if you ask me this is my favorite type of selfie
enough of me that youre all oh yeah
but rarely am i the star of the show
it’s usually the other person which is fine with me.
i get enough love, and lord knows i know what i look like.
the goal here is to see what the other people look like and mrs kardashian looked fantastic and was polite
and even asked me what i did for a living
which is so sweet.
i said i write acceptance speeches for Daft Punk.
they predicted there were going to be 25 million people here by 2011.
only short by about 10 million, but who’s counting.
they gave be drugs, xrayed me, taken my blood, and had me lay on a gurnee in the middle of the hallway for hours while my stone made its way through places it had no business being.
weird thing about kidney stones – they seem to be a complete mystery to all doctors: emergency or otherwise.
i was sitting on the examining table of my doctor just a few days ago as we both tried to figure out why i constantly felt like going to the bathroom. i even used his bathroom to relieve myself of two pity drops. and even after i asked do you think i have something wrong with my kidney the best he could say is lets take some more blood tomorrow.
tomorrow was yesterday and i felt so bad that i didnt have the time to go all the way to glendale so i just said “i’ll go to the ER and when they check me out im sure they will get some blood out of me”.
the lady at the front desk didnt even ask me why i was there, she just wanted to know if i had been there before. the nurse took my blood pressure and temp and finally asked why i was there and when i told her she told me to take off my clothes and put on that hospital gown.
for some reason i was already feeling better. figures.
then i sat in a line of wheelchairs for a good half hour. waiting with other people. one old man had a personal male nurse. some lady with a tutu got bit by a black widow. and then this crazy homeless guy who smelled of pee rolled in front of me.
all i knew was i was able to do some work because i was near a wall jack and i had brought my phone charger with me because i had expected a long wait: the boy scouts taught us to always be prepared. thanks fellas.
my male nurse guy asked me where the pain was and out of 1 to 10 how bad was it. i said 8. he said you dont look it. i said dont let my cool demeanor fool you, i live a block away, id rather be there than here half naked and shivering with this lousy wifi. it if was a 7 id be sitting on my toilet with led zep playing.
eventually a doctor arrived. as i was telling him i thought it was a kidney stone he looked at me like i was an idiot. like how could anyone know about kidney stones. theyre super mysterious. he told the nurse to give me a non narcotic pain reliever because i didnt seem that much in pain. so they gave me an IV drip of sugar water and we went to the x ray tube. after that i was rolled back to the hallway.
a lady slumped in a wheelchair was bleeding. her husband was insulting people for not hurrying faster. a man with a deformed torso took off his clothes and put them back on. young doctors commented as to how over crowded the hospital was. and eventually my nurse asked if the pain had subsided. i said no. he said where does it hurt. i said
right at the taint. i feel like a rhino is nudging me there and wont stop it. he said a rhino? i said imagine you really have to rip a fart. imagine that you know if you could let it roar youd feel 5 pounds lighter and so much better. he got the point and said he was gonna ask the doctor if he could up the meds. i closed my eyes and tried to take a little disco nap. when i woke up the nurse said, this is morphine. but first i will give you some anti nausea meds. the one two punch did me right.
before he could say youre gonna feel cold, i felt cold and warm at the same time. icy hot inside out. it was like the angels put a blanket on me under my skin. and then they sang the pretties songs. hummed them really. not sang. all the good things and all the bad things that i had done or even thought about rushed through me and i was given a score. and it was a good score. then the doc came out with a look of surprise on his face. you had a kidney stone. four millimeters. its not in your bladder yet but it will be soon. its low. and when you urinate it out it might hurt.
the songs the angles were humming were so sweet that nothing he could say could make me sad or scared. these were the songs of freedom.
then the financial counselor rolled up a portable computer and told me i was going to have to pay so much money it was gonna me amazing. i was all dont i have insurance? and he was all, yeah but not only are you gonna be paying forever but you owe us $100 right now.
the angles hummed the best guitar solo youd ever heard and i was all moneys a fools game where do i sign.
then a female nurse saying she was covering for the male nurse told me to change outta the gown and into my clothes but do it slowly or i might fall down. so i went in the bathroom and peed and peed and peed and it was great. everything was great. so i took a selfie, paid the cashier and walked to the grocery store to get my prescriptions filled. because it was friday night the store was packed so i walked a few blocks away and got some cheap sushi to go and told my momma i was gonna be ok.
and then i crawled into my bed which was like coming home after a long vacation and feeling so good in your own bed. and the morphine whispered “take that vicodin and lets call it a night”. and who was i to argue so i ate the sushi said my prayers and ate the vicodin and even though it was only 9pm i drifted off to a land where people were shown the most interesting dreams.
i knew not of this place for i have no time for dreams of those sorts. when i sleep i like it black like my action stars. but this world was colorful and fluid and had more stories than it could believe and i slept and dreamt and woke up and peed and got back in bed again and was out for another 7 hours.
and in the afternoon a pretty girl called me from a faraway land and maybe that was a dream too but she laughed at my so called accent
and then on tv i watched mr and mrs smith and then i watched hockey in a baseball stadium and kiss played.
and now i feel a thousand times better.