this is me moments after being told i can go home from the hospital


they gave be drugs, xrayed me, taken my blood, and had me lay on a gurnee in the middle of the hallway for hours while my stone made its way through places it had no business being.

weird thing about kidney stones – they seem to be a complete mystery to all doctors: emergency or otherwise.

i was sitting on the examining table of my doctor just a few days ago as we both tried to figure out why i constantly felt like going to the bathroom. i even used his bathroom to relieve myself of two pity drops. and even after i asked do you think i have something wrong with my kidney the best he could say is lets take some more blood tomorrow.


tomorrow was yesterday and i felt so bad that i didnt have the time to go all the way to glendale so i just said “i’ll go to the ER and when they check me out im sure they will get some blood out of me”.

the lady at the front desk didnt even ask me why i was there, she just wanted to know if i had been there before. the nurse took my blood pressure and temp and finally asked why i was there and when i told her she told me to take off my clothes and put on that hospital gown.

for some reason i was already feeling better. figures.

then i sat in a line of wheelchairs for a good half hour. waiting with other people. one old man had a personal male nurse. some lady with a tutu got bit by a black widow. and then this crazy homeless guy who smelled of pee rolled in front of me.

all i knew was i was able to do some work because i was near a wall jack and i had brought my phone charger with me because i had expected a long wait: the boy scouts taught us to always be prepared. thanks fellas.

my male nurse guy asked me where the pain was and out of 1 to 10 how bad was it. i said 8. he said you dont look it. i said dont let my cool demeanor fool you, i live a block away, id rather be there than here half naked and shivering with this lousy wifi. it if was a 7 id be sitting on my toilet with led zep playing.

eventually a doctor arrived. as i was telling him i thought it was a kidney stone he looked at me like i was an idiot. like how could anyone know about kidney stones. theyre super mysterious. he told the nurse to give me a non narcotic pain reliever because i didnt seem that much in pain. so they gave me an IV drip of sugar water and we went to the x ray tube. after that i was rolled back to the hallway.

a lady slumped in a wheelchair was bleeding. her husband was insulting people for not hurrying faster. a man with a deformed torso took off his clothes and put them back on. young doctors commented as to how over crowded the hospital was. and eventually my nurse asked if the pain had subsided. i said no. he said where does it hurt. i said

right at the taint. i feel like a rhino is nudging me there and wont stop it. he said a rhino? i said imagine you really have to rip a fart. imagine that you know if you could let it roar youd feel 5 pounds lighter and so much better. he got the point and said he was gonna ask the doctor if he could up the meds. i closed my eyes and tried to take a little disco nap. when i woke up the nurse said, this is morphine. but first i will give you some anti nausea meds. the one two punch did me right.


before he could say youre gonna feel cold, i felt cold and warm at the same time. icy hot inside out. it was like the angels put a blanket on me under my skin. and then they sang the pretties songs. hummed them really. not sang. all the good things and all the bad things that i had done or even thought about rushed through me and i was given a score. and it was a good score. then the doc came out with a look of surprise on his face. you had a kidney stone. four millimeters. its not in your bladder yet but it will be soon. its low. and when you urinate it out it might hurt.

the songs the angles were humming were so sweet that nothing he could say could make me sad or scared. these were the songs of freedom.

then the financial counselor rolled up a portable computer and told me i was going to have to pay so much money it was gonna me amazing. i was all dont i have insurance? and he was all, yeah but not only are you gonna be paying forever but you owe us $100 right now.

the angles hummed the best guitar solo youd ever heard and i was all moneys a fools game where do i sign.

then a female nurse saying she was covering for the male nurse told me to change outta the gown and into my clothes but do it slowly or i might fall down. so i went in the bathroom and peed and peed and peed and it was great. everything was great. so i took a selfie, paid the cashier and walked to the grocery store to get my prescriptions filled. because it was friday night the store was packed so i walked a few blocks away and got some cheap sushi to go and told my momma i was gonna be ok.

and then i crawled into my bed which was like coming home after a long vacation and feeling so good in your own bed. and the morphine whispered “take that vicodin and lets call it a night”. and who was i to argue so i ate the sushi said my prayers and ate the vicodin and even though it was only 9pm i drifted off to a land where people were shown the most interesting dreams.

i knew not of this place for i have no time for dreams of those sorts. when i sleep i like it black like my action stars. but this world was colorful and fluid and had more stories than it could believe and i slept and dreamt and woke up and peed and got back in bed again and was out for another 7 hours.

and in the afternoon a pretty girl called me from a faraway land and maybe that was a dream too but she laughed at my so called accent

and then on tv i watched mr and mrs smith and then i watched hockey in a baseball stadium and kiss played.

and now i feel a thousand times better.