sometimes it doesnt matter what you do


you can be super nice you can offer to pay for everything you can even say you can have my car

people are gonna be suspicious or theyre gonna feel weird or theyre gonna feel bad

or worst of all theyre gonna think that theyre gonna owe you something.

its impossible to convince them that they dont owe you anything, they just have to know you.

for me theres pretty much nothing you can give me except your trust.

i dont want your money. i dont want things. i have things but thats only bc of murphys law.

same with money.

if im being cool to you its because i wanna be cool to you. thats all.

you are probably already making me happy.

the circle is already complete.

i know there are other people out there that are different than me that f all of this up.

trust me i know.

but the truth is we are here in a blink of an eye and then we’re like kansas, dust in the wind.

and far as i can tell im already half way through this roller coaster ride.

i just wanna have a good time with good people who are ready to rock

and not knee deep in their fears acting like theyre neck deep in them.

like van halen, i’ll wait, but not forever.

probably the best part of being an undercover super hero

me and etienneis meeting the other undercover super heroes

especially when they tell you their secrets.

not the dirty ones, pervs, the awesome ones.

for example, a few years ago, as you may recall, i met young ms reyes le blanc

who told me one of her secrets about

game face.

most people, she said, think a good game face is all grrrrrrrrrr

but they’re wrong, she continued.

the best game face is, she said, and i quote, “DDD: delighted despite despair.”

if when you’re totally stressed out and angry and freaked, she concluded, and you can pull out the NBD face, you become invisible to those who are freaked out – and thus, deadly.

weirdly, one day later, something terrible happened to us and we got a motel room to collect ourselves and as soon as we got in there she said, quick take a picture

but with game face.

and it was not this one.

so she said, look, pretend the hardest youve ever pretended in your life but for just twenty seconds. this is your job. this is a game.

this is your favorite game of all.

win it with a pretty sorta smile.


and that was this one.

and then we won.

to celebrate not being sick any more, last night i did laundry then got a massage

new banksy

the woman who took my $40 was older, probably a mom, and in slightly inappropriate yoga pants

whatever. open mind. lets just get the kinks out.

she escorted me past several rooms, all the same: rectangle with a raised platform which had a tiny mattress covered with a towel and a small pillow. it was a thai place so they had little asian deals here and there and some candles.

she apologized for the middle eastern music blasting from next door. some sorta party was going on there.

but the music was actually pretty good, but so loud that it was probably a way different vibe than the thai massage was used to.

tumblr_mk6bsw7Z3K1qdztweo1_500we got to my room, i took off my hat and flannel and shoes, and in comes probably the most beautiful thai twentysomething woman ive ever seen in my life. she wore a skin tight white workout deal and told me politely to take off everything except my underwear and lie down.

i was already thinking about becoming a frequent flyer because humina humina.

i did as i was instructed and she started with the feet. it was delightful. who knew my feet were so full of stress.

then she appeared to walk on my legs. sorta painful but i rolled with it. then she pulled my legs and twisted them.

i heard another voice in the hallway. my girl responded. they were talking for some reason. the middle eastern music was blaring.

she excused herself and then returned and apologized. she dripped oil on me and worked on the back.

the right side of my back had these knots in them that cracked any time she rubbed there. the left was perfect.

she got behind my neck but took extra time on the back.

more talking. all in thai. fortunately i speak a lil thai and it was possibly this:

mom, he’s xbi, i know it. i can feel him reading my mind. we cant do it to him. BUT I DONT WANT TO JUST MASSAGE HIM!

eventually she excused herself again and i turned my head the other way on the towel that acted as a pillow.

my neck was sore somehow. but my eyes were closed. then i felt hotter oil, but in a nice way.

the back got worked on harder this time and after a while i was asked to put my hands behind me and pull her arms

i felt thick arms. what? turned out it was the mom. bait and switch!

the mom twisted and beat my back. pounded me like a cheap pork chop. and when she was finished recommended i take a pain pill.

because its going to hurt in the morning.

and boy was that lady right.

have i told you that in a past life i was a son of levi?


of the twelve tribes of israel there was one who made sure the church was in order

the levites.

they didnt work in the field they didnt fight in the wars

they had families and food and drink and all of that from the tithes of the tribe.

from afar it may have looked like they didnt do anything and got a free ride

but truth of the matter is they kept the community from bearing the brunt of Gods wrath

and trust me there was plenty for Him to be super pissed off about.

little known fact, when the Jews bailed Egypt with Moses when he parted the sea

not even Moses made it to the Promised Land

no, God killed everyone for whining and bitching and moaning along the journey.

the only ones who made it across were the sons of levi because they were chill.

they never said omg this free mana falling from the sky is so boring

they never said LOL water outta rocks, talk about mineral water, but its not cold!

they just accepted their fate and trusted the fire pillar at night and cloud in the day

they built temples and sacrificed the right things and burned the right incense

so that it pleased the Lord and reminded Him that there were some who got it.

and some who needed some extra learnings, thats all, they didnt mean to be asswipes.

anyways pretty sure i was a son of levi back then.

back when it mattered.

made some bad mistakes at work today

kyla and tyler in 2008 and now i wanna puke.

i was home sick bc i didnt wanna get anyone else sick today. but the show must go on.

so i sat in my bed with the tv off and just worked and worked and worked.

most of it was fun because, well, it’s fun to be needed and know what youre doing.

but some things i forgot about and one thing was a total collapse of reason.

and murphys law the wrong people saw it and i got a phone call and that only made me feel worse.

do you know how many mistakes i made in a year and a half at LAist? maybe 3.

at the Times, in 3 1/2 years: maybe 4. one of them was trusting someone untrustworthy so maybe 5. but that one counted big.

i dont know why im sick or what kind of sick this is but it’s a weird one. usually my nose is all runny and it eventually effs with my throat and then i’ll get a cough and then i’ll barf it out and then im good. a 3-4 day process. but this one is different.

0drunkgirlthe nose only slightly runs and the cough is like a ghost cough. like a reaction to the idea of being sick more than actually being it. my body aches for no reason but i am sleeping like mad. and then i get these waves of nausea. i should probably just hurl.

i was feeling really low and a pretty girl liked something on my insta so i wrote her and said send me a picture and make my day and bingo she did and it was the best picture ive ever seen of her.

and then out of the blue another girl started chatting with me while i was eating lunch and said she wanted to have my babies. and she looked terrific so i said fine. who cares. who the hell cares any more. im not getting any younger. i should just say yes to who ever is crazy enough to want whatever ive got, which right now is a filthy house and some thai food delivery on the way.

if the kids look anything like my niece and nephew, pictured, then id be stoked.

i need to get better soon though and i need to stop making mistakes because i really dont think imma win the lottery any time soon. it looks so much easier on tv.

you know who else is feeling crappy? your bff Danielle, but in her heart


from her keeping it real blog the other day:

Cant live by the Russian Metronome.
Too damn Cool Hand Luke.
Too Damn Gary Cooper.
Too Damn John Ford.
Where are my GlenGarry leads?
I had to just say I am done.
And It will be really hard.
But what gives I ask.
They say you cant move expecting to solve your problems
for your problems will travel with you.
I dont know man
I have lived in SOCAL for 15 plus years
and there aint nothin new.
I got to change something.
I cant live like this
or I literally will kill myself.
I do, I do, I want so badly to be dead
and I am SO SORRY to say that UNIverse
but it is true
I am so so sad and lonely
so UNHAPPY with everything

we’ve all been there. none of us thinks a super cool super smart babe with a masters could get there too

but yes. even her. even in san dieger. even with her mind wide open to possibilities.

it’s heartbreaking and sad because what can we tell her? what can we do?

the answer is the same answer for all of us: keep digging your way out.

aim for the light. listen for the sounds. even in darkness theres a glimmer of brightness

go for it. remember The Bride in Kill Bill: keep punching out of the impossible jam.

keep punching, keep fighting. keep doing the one thing you can.

because if you stop.

it stops.

today i woke up feeling crappy, which is impossible

loews pool

i seriously cannot get sick this week because next sunday is the Oscars

and i have a seriously important job to do that day and so i did what any idiot would do

i took an expired benedryl before i went to get my credentials this morning.

we had a huge meeting where they gave us a tour of the grounds, the red carpet, where the winners will walk after they get their award, and where all the press will be.

i even got to stand on the oscar stage. it was incredible.

but the whole time i felt miserable. sometimes bendryl can knock me out, sometimes it can make me feel normal.

and sometimes like today it made me feel like death and sick and worse than when i took it.

one of my lovely coworkers suggested i go to a pharmacy and take Sudafed.

my unofficial doctor, Shelley, suggested i drink lots of juices and water and sleep all day.

i took both of those recommendations and right now i feel so much better.

the unwritten rule in my department at the oscars is unless youre bleeding in the hospital, youre working on the big day, so handle yo business. and because it’s my first one i want to be a plus, not a minus.

so glad im feeling better. sooooo glad. thank you thank you thank you.

now lets rock this thing and have great stories to tell 8 days from now.

got a phone call today at 11am, whattya doing?


i answered, well today is saturday, im resting up so i can uber all night.

dude on the phone, one dave coehlo, said, wanna do the public address for the ucla baseball team today?

my first response was, are you kidding? hell no. ive never done that in my life.

but dave persisted and said they were in a bind and really needed me.

two hours later there i was at jackie robinson stadium


i met with the lovely rayna who introduced me to the official scorer, the scoreboard lady, the scoreboard dude, and the music guy.

we went over the promotional things they wanted me to say in between innings,

the pronunciations of everyones names, and how the mics worked. all of that took 15 minutes.

then they asked me if i wanted anything. i said yes a hot dog and a bottle of water.

20 minutes later i was welcoming everyone to the game and asking them to stand, take off their caps, and rise to honor america


yes i misprounced a few peoples names, and did some things wrong. yes the mic picked up some of the chatter in the booth.

and yes they switched out that mic and we worked on a way so it sounded better and despite the fact that ucla got crushed 8-0

i had a really fun time even though i was scared to death every minute of the 3 hour game.

you seriously cannot eat during the game because at any moment you might have to say something to the crowd.

but the best was in the 5th inning, this 6 year old girl and her parents came in the booth

and she announced the bottom of the 5th

better than me.


would i do it again: yes.

do i think they will have me back again: nope.

do i have much greater respect for PA people everywhere now: oh hell yes.