if uber wanted to make a commercial they shoulda filmed tonight

not a pipe

after eating sushi with jeanine in playa i drove down to venice to see if i could find someone looking to go back to hollywood. one of the beauties of having uber and living in hollywood is people love hollywood so you might get paid to drive home.

slid through venice and on main street picked up a tourist guy from barcelona who just had a full day of being at the beach and taking a tour bus through sunset to DTLA and back. then he jumped in the ocean and ate japanese. then ubered me and i drove him to where his air bnb was. we talked about how spanish people really dont like spicy food.

after dropping him off i went back to main and picked up two athletic frat bros and their mom from one of my favorite bars in venice. the boys were going to another bar off pch and they asked me to drop mom off in brentwood. turned out they all went to ucsb, the boys met on the baseball team, ones in the minors now, and the mom went to ucsb in the late 70s when, she told me, rent on sabado was $65 a month. she also told me that beer was not allowed 1 mile around the campus. but they got it in their apartments anyhow. “grass too!” she said. lovely woman.

streamdrove down wilshire to westwood but got a call to double back towards brentwood. saw a guy with 2 pretty girls in black dresses. Thought ok. Then 4 different girls appeared, even prettier somehow and they raced toward me. Approached the car. Said Uber? I says yep. They says Lure on Ivar?

I was all holy cow that’s in Hollywood where I wanna be!

I said you girls aren’t Swedish are you? They said yep. And the perfume was amazing and the accents and mama mia. i said ive been to sweden. they asked where? i said Jönköping. and there was silence. i guess my accent was dead on.

they were all, why were you in Jönköping? i said, because thats where the prettiest girls in the world are.

they laughed and said, no, Stockholm! then they asked me if i could get there in half the time a normal man could get there in.

i said i will get you there faster than anyone else in the world and they requested kiss-fm and as rihanna and pitbull and kei$ha and avincci played commercial free and they sang along i took wilshire to santa monica to fountain to highland and right on ivar and boom a convention of impossibly beautiful young ladies all waiting to go into this club behind amoeba records.

it was 11pm and i was basically home and i had made $50 and my car smelled of young swedish college girls.

so i rolled the dice and left the uber phone on. the risk is you’ll get someone who wants you to take them somewhere far away and you dont get home till way too late. but i got lucky and got a photographer who just wanted to go to the dragonfly, so i dropped him off, turned it off and couldnt believe my good luck.

sometimes the good lord is looking out for you, and sometimes i think he just wants to see what it would take for you to enjoy kiss fm.

today is jeanine’s birthday, shes 24

jeanine volcano

jeanine has been one of my closest friends since i first seduced her in isla vista on cordova ave.

a few weeks later she tried to kill herself, but it didnt take, so she, for some reason considers me her guardian angel instead of The Cause of All Misery, which is why she’s wonderful.

like many close friends there are times when we laugh cry and scream at each other. sometimes in the same conversation.

jeanine is going through a lot right now. she has experienced some deaths in her family, she has a very demanding career, and she is doing her best to detox from booze all by herself.

like beyonce, shes an independent woman. unlike queen b, jeanine has no jay-z with benjamins to help smooth the road to success.

yesterday i got a text message that she had a seizure at work and was rushed to the hospital.

about an hour later i got another text from her boss saying “please call me tony” and i panicked because i thought she had died in the hospital.

i was terrified to call because i didnt want to hear that news. i thought about all of the things that i wanted her to do with the next 100 years of her life and one of them being that i wanted her to teach my kids how to be guitar heroes.

fortunately she is still alive. and kicking. and joking. and beautiful. and wonderful. and i am so happy and relieved.

i love her so much and i look forward to dining with her tonight.

happy birthday amazing aquarius!

White basketball player, older, Midwest accent


Starts talking about Jersey. Then about the mafia.

I said I didn’t know any connected kids played hoops in Jersey. Or I should say, I didn’t know of any that were any good.

He was all, ah ha, you’re right. That’s because I’m not from Jersey, I’m from Chicago.

I was like what part? He starts talking and turns out he was recruited by DePaul back in the day. I was all yeah I know them. He quizzed me.

I was are you crazy? Mark Aguirre, Terry Cummings, the focal Ray Meyer. I said g I watched them in the little gym before they moved to the Rosemont Horizon.

Bro was impressed and started showing me pictures if his ladies.

I said ah yes yes. But I was driving. Why would you want me to not keep my eyes on the road.

We go from Hollywood to Santa Monica. He says keep the engine running, Rosemont.

After 5 mins I call. I say you good? He asked, is the meter running? I said affirmative. He goes good. Be down in 5.

Something tells me it’ll be more than 5. But at least I got to write you.