this is miss ohio. last night she took her first uber ride


she is in town visiting friends who i picked up outside the shortstop. all three of them seemed pretty happy. for some reason my car voice controlled navigation gps isnt as in love with me as she should be.

i tell people “you seen HER? well this is nothing like that, pretty sure she hates me.” everyone laughs and if the car wont tell me where to go i plug it into my iphone which never fails, and the voice goes through the car via bluetooth anyways. its just weird because i have to hold up the phone.

i should probably get a couple of phone holder things attatched to my winshield, but i dont really wanna be That Guy.

the girls started singing to me as we drove through hollywood. lion king. so i said hey do you know any Frozen? eyes lit up and they ripped into Let it goooo LET IT GOOOOOOOO! and then miss ohio told me that she has a blonde streak through her hair just like he chick in the movie and i was all so you do! and took a picture.

it was valentines day which was good and bad for the uber business. the good was people had to go out or their ladies would hate them. the bad was many of them drove their own cars so it was unusually heavy traffic around dinnertime. going north south in echo park was a challenge but i learned a secret about alvarado and sunset: never go there.

picked up a swell couple on a twisty curvy road who were going to the Spiritualized show at the newly revamped Ace Hotel in DTLA. one of the nice things about Rdio is for $10 a month you can have pretty much every album on your phone so i said, want me to play some Spiritualized? they were all Yeah get us in the mood! so we tripped out to that as we headed east. it was nice.

once in downtown i picked up this beautiful japanese bartender of a sports bar i will definitely pop my head into.

have you bartended before?
whats your favorite drink to make?
i dont know how to make any drinks.
how many days have you worked there?
this is my second day.

hollywood blvd after hours

so cute and her shorts couldnt have been shorter.

then got a beep from four gorgeous chinese girls. they wanted to go to occidental college.

holy crap thats where obama went! i told them they laughed and one said “yeah but then he transferred out!”

so shy and giggly and adorbale. they asked me what i thought of Carmel because they wanted to go there for spring break.

i said, Carmel? i guess its ok, but why do you wanna go there?

one said, they have really nice art galleries.

i said, you wanna see art on spring break? you dont wanna get drunk and make out with boys?

and they laughed and laughed and said no. then one asked if i was married. i said omg are you proposing to me on valentines day? if so I DO! then we talked about american broccoli compared to chinese broccoli and if she was my wife i might have to say nyet to chinese broccoli. and she said oh we have american broccoli in china we just call it something different.

i was so enamoured by them all that i forgot to turn on my phone so they got a $20 ride as a vday gift from america. i said shit and fuck all the way back to silver lake when i got a beep from a tattooed thai girl who seemed super glum. picked her up in a great neighborhood, she too had really short shorts. i suppose it was very warm last night. she said she wanted to go to hollywood and vine. no particular place.

she is a native los angelino. i said oh are you going to 33 taps? then we talked about how we liked it better when it was dillons and you could get any beer for $3. sigh. i wanted to cheer her up somehow and even though she sat in the passenger seat it didnt seem like she wanted to talk much. cute single girl on valentines day headed to the heat of the action alone. good for her.

little tokyo

drove these two young asian women from one side of town to the other. one of them had a 10 year old car that was in the shop. the other one seemed to know everything about the innards of the car and concluded that her belts were worn and etc. the other coughed a bunch and i offered water but she didnt want any. and i was all oh god am i gonna get sick cuz of this? i always ask if theres any music they wanna hear but most of them are very happy with what ive got going on. so i heard one sing along to my Cure mix of friday im in love (it was friday duh and vday) lemonheads weezer pixies violent femmes buzzcocks.

yes there were couples. one that worried me said they had dated for 10 years and recently got married. when they dated they never lived together and now that they share a loft together they are realizing how much they enjoyed their independence. they joked about it but for newlyweds, yikes. i appreciated their honesty and all but embrace the union people! hopefully a bigger place will fix things. it usually does.

but the cutest couple were this ridiculously hot lesbian pair i picked up in west hollywood. for some reason i avoid weho because i dont know it as well as the rest of LA but the people i get there are so nice and way into uber that i should learn the landmarks there better because those kids are out and having a great time.

these two were on their fourth date, way into each other, and found each other on ok cupid. the blonde had on those american apparel skin tight leather looking pants and the dark haired brazilian (!) was just as sultry blur. the blonde couldnt stop talking about how great her ass was and how her white girl ass cant compare.

i was all not everyone can rock those american apparels baby. youre selling yourself short and they told me about their online romance to lead to the real thing. first date tapas and wine. see boys, we’re doing it wrong. before i let them go i asked the brazilian if Bossa Nova, where i had just taken kira, was authentic to real brazillians and she said its her favorite restaurant because its run by brazilians and thats how the food tastes there.


jeanines tapes

after them i got a new yorker dude and a british girl and we talked about accents, derek jeter, and california and somehow the fare was only $3 to get them from rage to Buca di Beppo. so i said ill never hit my goal of $200 unless i get some long runs, plus how am i gonna beat the 4th date lesbians. so i drove west to ucla in hopes that since it was 11:30pm maybe someone was looking to head to hollywood for a few hours of clubbing.

picked up a cute boy and girl at a sorority house who just wanted to go to the other side of campus. they had a takeout box from 800 Degrees (pizza date on vday? hmmmm) and then boom got a british girl and handsome dude who wanted to go to a club on hollywood blvd. we took sunset all the way pretty much as she tried real hard to talk it up with him but she was obvs way more into him than vice versa and he just played it cool and i thought i could never do that. if i just wanted a girl to shut up who was that into me i woulda just made out with her all the way there. instead the more he shut down the harder she tried.

when we were almost there he questioned whether we had passed it, i said, your club is behind the museum of death, trust me, i’ll know when we get to the death musee. and in minutes we had arrived.

took a sad girl who just listened to her headphones home from the bars in hollywood. up a curvy road deep in the hills. so remote and nice. lots of the rich werent home. great places in the canyons yet no lights on. no cars. except those under huge trees. got these east coast dudes who tipped me which never happens. but they insisted.

got two tipsy girls from Den on the sunset strip who lived right by runyon who went over the nice-and-funny boys they met and compared them to the hot ones. then got a bartender at lure (remember the swedish girls, that club) who wanted to go home near the grove. then two guys who i picked up in an alley across from the grove who wanted to go back home to downtown LA. we talked about the death of the good dive bars. most notably the down and out. we agreed about la citas awesomeness and how dtla is fun for a few years but its not really living up to the hype unless youre an alkie a druggie or work there.

then this well dressed american psycho christian bale type gentleman with his absent minded hippy friend came out of one of the edm dance clubs. he had a suit on was talking about product and holding on to his vape which he swore only had tobacco in it. we went from dtla to hollywood and his buddy said omg we need something to eat. the suit guy who was sitting next to me for some reason said in a very measured tone i’ll cook you some pancakes.

hippie joe walsh guy goes well what kind of syrup do you have?

suit guy who murphys law ran into his exgf at the club a few hours ago, which rattled him, said maple.

hippie goes bleh no one likes maple!

so he goes well lets get some pizza then. so i say joes pizza is right over there and i think theyre open till 3. it was 230am. we drive over, they ask me to keep the meter running and they waited in line with the hottest skankiest and shadiest in hollywood after hours all wanting that thin crust.

and i remembered that miss ohio had asked me if i had named my car or my phone? i said no, so she said you should name your phone Blanche. she said because thats an ugly name and your phones name should never be prettier than your name. so thanks Blanche, if we had charged the chinese we woulda hit $200. but $188 is fine.