1. Tuesday, February 4, 2014

    nearly died yesterday but alls way better today 

    gaspar noeyesterday morning i woke up and thought i should probably go to the hospital. those stones are back and they wanted more of my delicious gooey nugat.

    drove to work and thought i should probably see Cedar Sinai hospital for the first time.

    got to my desk and things were blurry and spinning and this super honest Portuguese woman said, “you look terrible” which was odd because i had a dress shirt, sweater, khakis and dress shoes on because i had prepared to be buried.

    so 15 minutes into work i told this other coworker to tell my boss that i was going to the hospital.

    drank some water and went to the loo in the building because i figured cedars would have a long wait.

    i groaned in the mens room as i wrote my boss an apologetic note explaining what had been done and not done and how i was sorry but i was dying. told the security guard i was peacing out and as i walked to the garage i figured i should probably take Uber to the hospital cuz lord knows how much parking is gonna be at the beverly hills hospital. plus they probably wouldnt let me drive home so maybe i should just uber there, uber home, and uber to work the next day instead of driving.

    my experience with the morphine that they gave me last time was one where i was happy i was walking home instead of driving.

    so as i walked past the huge rock to Fairfax i suddenly felt better. it dawned on me that maybe that last pee pissed out the stone. i didnt feel great but i didnt feel awful any more. and with each step i felt better and better.

    usually the feeling of “OMG I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL” is the stone going through the tiniest part of its journey. and the only reason i went to the hospital the other times was to ensure that i wasnt crazy and to get meds in case there were some straggler stones. but i had meds at home. and i knew i wasnt cray. so i turned around, went to work, nearly fainted a few times, but they fed us lunch and i felt better.

    i just sat in my chair and worked and fortunately it wasnt a hectic day and i drank water and pissed and i canceled the drinks i was gonna have at 7pm and just went home, turned up the heat, ate beefaroni and watched my man Matt Welch on The independents talk with Anthony Weiner and laughed and watched PTI and laughed and watched the news and turned that shit off immediately and went to bed and got a full 8 hours sleep.

    and i type to you a renewed man. better, stronger, faster, blacker, deffer. today imma go to the swankiest hotel in beverly hills for work, then do some other stuff, return home to do laundry and maybe uber for a few hours because i miss it. thank you God for letting me survive yesterday and thank you for letting me have a bottle of vicodins for when the pain hits.

    if only i knew what was causing them.