nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, February 22, 2014

    learned a valueable lesson last night, dont chase the surge prices 

    davthe thing about this uber experience is it was never supposed to be about the money.

    youre really only gonna get paid $20 an hour if you work 6-7 hours so you really shouldnt get angry if pockets are slow.

    however its hard not to feel a tinge of greed when you see a portion of LA red with 2-3x rates because of supply and demand.

    for some reason the wessside and DTLA tend to have more surges in prices through weekend nights and being someone in the middle in Hollywood, usually, i have often felt tempted to just get on the freeway and head east or west.

    last night around 2am i fed into that temptation and did the unspeakable: i didnt respond to two requests as i left century city and wound my way past Hamilton High to the 10 to speed east to downtown.

    huge mistake because once i was there there werent any calls for a good 20 minutes. finally i got a call on fig and wilshire and it was a group of 6-8 drunk young asian kids. one of them was doing his best to wrangle them but one guy was skipping, a little young lady was wandering, and no one seemed to realize that there was an Uber guy right there waiting for him as the short window of surge was closing.

    when four of them finally spilled into my ride they only wanted to go about a mile. and then the surge pricing was over and i was tired, disappointed, and a little bit angry.

    mostly angry at myself because this isnt about big scores. this is about slow and steady for weekends and some nights so i could restock the old savings account that was depleted during my extended spring break of unemployment last year.

    also im not a money grubbing dude. ive seen the desire of money eat away at people. and worse, when they get the cash, rarely have i seen anyone do anything miraculous with it. thus ive often resisted jumping for the highest paying job and instead chosen ones that id actually love.

    i actually love driving the good people of LA around this wacky city. i actually love picking up sad ppl in miracle mile and taking them to the airport as we both quietly sing along to the cure and the smiths and depeche mode.

    i actually love picking up drunks in santa monica and driving them to santa monica and having them not want to leave my car to go to their apartments in santa monica because they love it so much because i put on Skee-Lo’s “I Wish” after they were drunkenly singing it to themselves in their very white manner. nearly scatting during parts.

    i actually love picking up two nice latinos, one a fiesty birthday girl, the other her EMT boyfriend and discuss how to win with women as the beautiful woman laughs as we all agree that because men are bad at mindreading we will always fail.

    i failed when i chased the money instead of the love last night and only came home with $169, missing my goal of $200 by one fat surge ride.

    but thats not the way to look at things. the real way to look at things is to cherish the trips that make these stories better, not how many shekels ended up in my paypal account.

    tonight we ride again. hopefully dave (pictured) will wake up this afternoon with only pleasant memories.

  2. Friday, February 21, 2014
  3. Thursday, February 20, 2014

    got my first trip to the airport tonight 


    you always hear cabbies hoping they can get a trip to the airport like its some huge deal.

    mine was nice because the girl was great.

    after work i headed west because i have this strange idea that people in venice wanna use uber to come to hollywood

    so on the way there i got this bright idea to go to century city because it was after work for them too

    and those ppl got money and with all those skyscrapers theres gotta be tons of potential riders

    and sure enough as soon as i turned on avenue of the stars i got beeped to go to CAA


    unfortunately that lady wanted to go pretty much across the street at the nearby hotel

    i didnt get discouraged, i went by century and boom a call from a cool girl who was unpacking her moms trunk

    with… luggage. we’re going to LAX, obviously, she told me. but you know theres no obviouses in life.

    she coulda wanted to go to long beach or burbank, anythings possible, i thought but went down santa monica

    to the 405 even though the map was all yo its traffic, ninja.

    “we’ll just get off and take sepulveda if it sucks,” she said when i tolder i was gonna jump on the 405 and risk it.

    pretty girl, smart, knows the roads, headed to vegas, says she goes there 30 times a year

    because she likes to dance at this one particular night club.

    no not professionally, for fun. she loves house. and loves to dance from 3am to 8am and the party with the djs.

    never been to coachella.


    she says she goes there so often that the curb guys know her and because its vegas and southwest

    and they have flights like all the time, one day she showed up and was all, how many minutes till the next one

    and they said 15 minutes. and she said heres $20 get me on there!

    and the bag guy ran to the left and she ran to the right, sped through security

    and got on the plane just as as the doors were about to close.

    was in vegas before the flight she originally had tix for took off from LA.

    not only did our 405 traffic not even exist, but because we were a carpool we got there in no time

    century city to LAX: $20.24. how ya gonna beat that? and you get to talk to tony pierce.

    afterwards i got a bbq chicken sandwich at carls jr and waited for the phone to beep.

    it didnt till i got to LMU


    turned out she was in marina del rey and wanted to go to LMU,

    turned out she was from tinley park. i was all omg.

    took an irish guy from an italian place, ado, in venice to montana.

    took these brits from barrington to bungalow.

    took a guy who said once he got an uberx and it was a guy driving a Bentley.

    was starting to get sleepy because i didnt get much sleep last night so i turned off the deal got on the 10

    got off on overland, picked up a guy who was talking about diamonds on the phone with his dad.

    then ended the night with two asian girls, one with a massive camera, who asked, do you know where Lure is?

    yes i do.

    as we drove away the one girl says i feel like im forgetting something.

    the other girl said, keys and wallet? the first says yep.

    then i go, forget your camera?

    and oh did we laugh.

    somehow made $75.

  4. there are strippers and there are hookers in this sprawling metropolis 


    and tonight i picked up one of them in culver city, took the 405 through all that mess, stopped in front of a office building in burbank, realized we were nowhere near where she was supposed to be, wound our way past warner brothers and across the 101 until we got to highland and drove her south to where she was expected.

    but we’ll get into that more a little later. the plan earlier in the evening was to head west to the beach and see if i could just get one person who wanted to go back to hollywood and then diddle around there till midnight. but youre crazy if you think you can predict the uber future.

    went quite a ways to rodeo drive when i got beeped for the first time in the night by two young ladies who worked at a fancy department store. they were in from out of town and had bad things to say about the men of texas. let me tell you. they asked for me to take them to “don julios in west LA” i asked on pico? and they said yes. as we drove we talked about how young i looked for my age and some of the places that they traveled. when we got to don antonio’s i said here we are.

    they said this isnt don julios. i said there isnt any don julios. don julio is a top shelf tequila. don antonio’s is one of the best and funnest bars in west LA, and the place where i underage day drank back in my car stereo salesman days at the nearby Federated. they researched their notes and lo it Was don antonios they wanted to go to.

    amazed, they asked for my number for any future mind reading excursions and i asked them if i could put a cubs hat on the one from chicago and take their picture and they were all hell yeah.



    drove down to venice and picked up a very attractive couple. the young lady was calling her bf names for having her almost trip running across the street to my car. “i’m too pretty to die young,” she told him. she threatened his life in playful ways and i asked how their valentines day was and she was all “fine humph!” quickly we were at their home and i advised him to sleep with one eye open.

    got hungry so i got a two shrimp taco french fry coke deal at del taco because murphys law someone will beep you Reasonable_Doubt_Newwhen youre not near nobody and youre trying to eat fast in your car because you dont want the french fries to smell up your ride. sure enough “jose” beeps me toward culver city. i drove but when i arrived i couldnt find the address and when i called there was no answer, so canceled his request and i kept towards culver city when i got beeped and then received a phone call from a gentleman with a low customer rating who called to give me the corrected address to the home where he wanted me to pick up “a girl”.

    he seemed very tired or drunk or stoned or something and as i drove to the apartment i wondered why the other drivers had rated him so badly. i was nervous. when i got to the apt i waited a few minutes but then called him right away. “are you there?” he asked. “yep.” i said. “ok she’ll be right out.” and in short order a beautiful young white woman with a huge afro wig, giant jlo hoop earrings, and the prettiest face climbed into the back. when i asked where to, she said, “oh i dont know lets find out”. and eventually got the address in north hollywood. when i plugged the digits into my gps it said burbank. do you mean burbank and not north hollywood? i asked. she said, yeah thats probably it.

    my gps warned me of a major delay but i wouldnt have minded being stuck on the 405 all night with her. but still the entire scene seemed a tad shady and i wondered what awaited me at the destination. at first i thought shes a stripper but she didnt smell like a stripper. that wear that amazing perfume. and she was waaay to pretty to be a hooker. i was baffled.

    as we pulled out i asked her if she wanted some water and she gave me a strong yes! then when i asked what kind of music she wanted she answered: hip hop. niiice. it was going to be a 28 minute ride, my gps said. usually you make about a buck fiddy a minute. so i wanted her extra happy. after two songs she politely informed me that she didnt like the hip hop station and asked if i knew of another one.

    i said, i have every record in the world on my phone. all for you. what would you like? she said, do you have any old school rap? i asked, like who, she said jay z reasonable doubt? and boom we were playing it and boom we were stuck in 405 traffic. she barely spoke and it drove me nuts because of all people i wanted to ask her so many questions. but any time i would ask anything her answers were super short so i gave her her space and maneuvered through the construction on the worlds busiest freeway.


    when we got to the place it looked wrong. it was like a small business office. and nowhere was the address we thought we wanted. so i called the guy. he sounded different. was it the same guy even? he gave us a hollywood address and said why are you in burbank? i didnt want to get her in trouble but she was the one who told me the wrong address from the original guy. we werent that far away. maybe 12 minutes away. we drove. i asked her some questions and she opened up. when my gps said we were 3 miles away i told her i was turning off the meter. that way bro wouldnt have to pay too much for the mistake. not that it probably mattered, but who knows.

    on the way there she told me that she was from flagstaff and loved the woods but her heart is in “the LA lifestyle”. she told me she had never seen jay z play live because even though she loves him she prefers more intimate venues where she can connect with the artist. mama mia.

    after i dropped her off, i immediately got beeped by four girls in short dresses who had just surprised the one in the passenger seat. it was her 23rd birthday. she was a year older than the others. they wanted to hear “EDM” even though they were singing along to “American Girl”. so i turned on Tiesto and they took selfies and instagrammed it and received snapchats on our way to beverly hills.

    then i got the manager of one of those fancy 3rd street small plate restaurants and as we drove to his home in silver lake he told me pretty much everything about that scene and how much the critics love what theyre doing there. i shared with him that when etiennes brother came into town last month we drank there before eating at his competition and had a great time. he totally appreciated that. we also talked about lobster benedicts and how the ladies of that part of town shied away from it which is cray bc why wouldnt you wanna live it up on a sunny sunday in mid wilshire. with your gurls and yr bad self.

    made a hundred bucks.

  5. Wednesday, February 19, 2014

    theres all kinds of people in LA 


    but only the cool ones ride with me.

    first person i picked up was a beautiful indian woman who wanted to go to melrose. she told me her coworker and kids died from an old man driving a car and he ran them over in a cross walk.

    we agreed that we never know when we’re gonna die so better live for the day.

    she said, yeah but my boyfriend is such a downer, all the time. i said i guess you have to be his little cheerleader and make things better.

    and she was all yeah and proceeded to say how hard that would be.

    then told me about her friend whose bf cheated on her with 120 girls. i was all 120 girls? i dont even know 120 girls. she said oh they were escorts, and he didnt wear condoms. i was like omg did she catch anything? she said no but shes still with him!

    then we were there so we said goodbye.

    picked up a guy in hollywood and we got to west hollywood where i learned there is a street called west west yucca.

    got back to hollywood picked up a nice couple, he lives in vegas, she lives in coachella and i took them to this mexican restaurant where yr bff samantha younge said the margaritas were as big as yr face.

    then headed to dtla via sunset but got called in echo park where this super cute young lady wanted to go to the miracle mile. we talked about musical theatre, frozen, rent, glee, and disney films. `wanna know why i love driving at night so much? we went a little over 7 miles in 17 minutes taking all side streets.


    apparently only the hottest ladies use uber because then by the 10 this smoking hot asian girl in a short dress gets in. wants to use Waves to get there even though there was no traffic. so as she was on the phone being passive aggressive with a newish dude for not calling or texting her enough she was giving me directions, which was fine. i had weezers the blue album going a little louder than normal so as to give her some privacy. dropped her off near fountain and thought, i hope that dude takes her advice and calls her more.

    then two attractive young ladies asked me to drive them to this hollywood blvd club. they told me that all clubs are for are to drink and get picked up. but they hate that its that way. also that the best way to get them to drink with you is to buy a bottle via bottle service. but also that its ridiculous to spend $200 on a $30 bottle of booze. i was very confused but they were awesome. we agreed that Dillons was the best bar in LA for a while and we miss it. when i dropped them off they said they hope i drive them home.

    that made me feel pretty good and it was a fun night so i decided to call it a night, but i kept my phone on and i got beeped near the palladium. i swing over to roscoes chicken and waffles and these two young white kids, sorta dressed up, walk out. they say studio city please. so we get on the freeway towards the val and they tell me that they saw Book of Mormon earlier. i was all you just saw book of mormon and then went to roscoes? what a damn night! very cool kids. parents were hippies, the pretty blonde girl told me. she said her mom hitchhiked from the gulf of mexico to canada back in the day.

    she said they slept outside, didnt shave, and just went with the flow.

    dropped them off and drove down ventura blvd and saw that weird art up top there. went to the fanciest ralphs ive ever been in. even peed in their amazing mens room. self checked out of there, put my crap in my recycled grocery bags, and drove home sad that the guitarist of devo had died.

  6. Tuesday, February 18, 2014
  7. Monday, February 17, 2014

    uber on saturday night was fun, duh. a 15-minute recap 

    venice mcdonalds

    started the clock in beverly hills around 10:30pm. picked up a nice lady on her first uber ride but we only went to wilshire which was fine. then got another young woman a few blocks away and she wanted to go to DTLA which was sweet. she was awesome. we hit it off big time. she told me that she doesnt drink but didnt wanna be the designated driver for her friends.

    i told her that i have a friend who is on the wagon and i dont like to drink around her. she said, oh i tell my friends “if you dont drink it will be weird, so you should probably drink.” we picked up her coworker in WeHo and he was fun too. we listened to Stevie Wonder till we got to the 101 took that to the 110, got off on wilshire and boom they were good.

    ended up in DTLA which i love except some of the time you’ll get an Arts District call late at night and its a little scary, gotta say. these two guys get in and one looks intimidating and is soft spoken and sits in the front seat next to me and i was all hmmm imma get robbed. but no he said take me to the 7-11. and i thought oh great we’re gonna rob it and imma be the getaway driver? perfect. but no, he wanted me to drive him and his buddy to another part of DTLA which was also a bit sketchy. but irony of ironies he says, ok you can drop us off right there by that cop car. whew. so relieved.

    then picked up a guy who is in construction, but not like a construction worker but like he works for the firms that build the skyscrapers. younger guy and so smart. it was also kizmet because that night was the Big Pour where they had a guiness world record of cement that was being dumped in a hole to build the largest building west of the Mississippi in DTLA so we talked about that a little. then about the Hollywood project by the Capitol Records building and the faults there and how hard it is to build huge buildings in LA because of gas pockets or earthquake faults or sand. great guy. took him to ktown. he told me my 1920s building is fine because ppl had pride back then but his 1970s building was something to worry about.

    eventually ended up in silver lake at the 4100 club where i picked up three girls who were being harrassed by a bow-tied drunk young man who wanted to party with them. he asked where they were going. they said The Thirsty Crow. he said, if i beat you there youve gotta buy me a drink, but if you beat me there i will buy you all drinks. i was thinking whiteboy you cray THEY ARE ALREADY IN THEIR CAR. but he wouldnt shut the door and they were annoyed so i just started driving slowly so the door would leave his hand. we got there in 4 mins, duh. and the girls loved me and i was hoping to swing by there again at 2am because they said they lived on the wessside but i got there later than that and they were gone. i have to start giving people like that my number so they can text me if they want. also uber should let you request drivers. ppl want who theyre comfortable with and will wait a few minutes.

    around 4am i was pretty close to home but i wanted 1 more ride. got a beep from a guy near my house. but naturally he wanted a ride to Venice Beach. i was all d’oh! all day i was looking for a ride out there so of course i get him. but whatevs. we get on the freeway and he falls asleep in the back for a while then he wakes up saying hes gotta pee. for some reason i thought there was a gas station on the crenshaw exit off the 10 but there isnt. he didnt care he peed on the street. we get back on the freeway he starts singing along to Lana Del Rey and we get to the beach at 4:20am. thought about calling Mary because it was right by her house but i thought i really just wanna eat some mcdonalds fries and get home.

    saddest ride: at 2am this big black girl, 3rd day in LA accepts the 3times more expensive surge rate outside of the Del Taco in Silver Lake. she wants to go to Echo Park. moved here for work but just broke up with her boyfriend up north. she tells me she was texting him how she misses him. and then later tells me she was fat shamed earlier in the night by a stranger.

    actually that wasnt the saddest. the saddest was this drunk guy i picked up near a gay bar by LA Community College. he was also new to LA and an actor. he said all his castmates were mean and he was lonely bc he has no friends here yet. and i was all, bro yes its hard at first to meet ppl and make friends but hang in there. we drive to his place in WeHo and hes asking me if i have a GF and “whats my deal”? not sure what hes leading to so i bring it back to him. i say youre so lucky youre in the arts. keep a diary. all these sad nights, write them down and funnel them through your acting. acting is tough but its not impossible. Jonah Hill has a 2nd oscar nom. anythings possible here. but it helps if you can actually act. dont quit.

    as he left he insisted on giving me a tip. and said, how often do you get a really great ride home. thanks.

  8. Sunday, February 16, 2014

    I was so tired today 


    I took a nap at 5pm and I’m still beat.

    But I did see the super scared stray cat rub his back in the cement sidewalk like a lunatic

    So the day wasn’t a complete wash.

  9. worked the Sci Tech Awards last night in 90210 


    it was rad. both the hotel and the awards.

    the awards are for all the ppl who make all the technologies that make film great from special effects

    to computer animation to film processing to camera equipment breakthroughs – you know the reasons we secretly say wow


    it was co hosted by michael b jordan (fruitvale station) and kristen bell (veronica mars)



    it was held at the swanky and glamorous Beverly Hills Hotel best known as the cover photo of the Eagles’ Hotel California



    even though ive lived in LA for a million years ive never set foot in the place and ive gotta say it was better than i expected


    and so were the awards. the speeches were short. but everyone who won got to say something.

    this gentleman said, “we are Pussy Riot in drag”.


    afterwards everyone took pics with the celebs


    and even co workers got in to the picture taking fun. why not, such a fantastic hotel.


    but my favorite photo is this one of Academy CEO Dawn Hudson taking a pic of the hosts after the ceremonies.


    i used to say if i ever got married it would be in isla vista or wrigley field, but no girl wants that.

    so fine, i guess i can make it happen here. this is the valet, btw


    this is something you see backstage right before you walk onto the stage: hot water, tea, and lemon so your voice is right

    and a mirror for that final check


    most of the winners got this special Sci Tech plaque


    but two very special winners got actual oscars (sweet ass case not included)


    here is a blurry picture of the menu


    everything was cool there, even the mens room sign


    afterwards i drove around LA for four hours with my suit still on cuz i was so happy.