nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, February 15, 2014

    this is miss ohio. last night she took her first uber ride 


    she is in town visiting friends who i picked up outside the shortstop. all three of them seemed pretty happy. for some reason my car voice controlled navigation gps isnt as in love with me as she should be.

    i tell people “you seen HER? well this is nothing like that, pretty sure she hates me.” everyone laughs and if the car wont tell me where to go i plug it into my iphone which never fails, and the voice goes through the car via bluetooth anyways. its just weird because i have to hold up the phone.

    i should probably get a couple of phone holder things attatched to my winshield, but i dont really wanna be That Guy.

    the girls started singing to me as we drove through hollywood. lion king. so i said hey do you know any Frozen? eyes lit up and they ripped into Let it goooo LET IT GOOOOOOOO! and then miss ohio told me that she has a blonde streak through her hair just like he chick in the movie and i was all so you do! and took a picture.

    it was valentines day which was good and bad for the uber business. the good was people had to go out or their ladies would hate them. the bad was many of them drove their own cars so it was unusually heavy traffic around dinnertime. going north south in echo park was a challenge but i learned a secret about alvarado and sunset: never go there.

    picked up a swell couple on a twisty curvy road who were going to the Spiritualized show at the newly revamped Ace Hotel in DTLA. one of the nice things about Rdio is for $10 a month you can have pretty much every album on your phone so i said, want me to play some Spiritualized? they were all Yeah get us in the mood! so we tripped out to that as we headed east. it was nice.

    once in downtown i picked up this beautiful japanese bartender of a sports bar i will definitely pop my head into.

    have you bartended before?
    whats your favorite drink to make?
    i dont know how to make any drinks.
    how many days have you worked there?
    this is my second day.

    hollywood blvd after hours

    so cute and her shorts couldnt have been shorter.

    then got a beep from four gorgeous chinese girls. they wanted to go to occidental college.

    holy crap thats where obama went! i told them they laughed and one said “yeah but then he transferred out!”

    so shy and giggly and adorbale. they asked me what i thought of Carmel because they wanted to go there for spring break.

    i said, Carmel? i guess its ok, but why do you wanna go there?

    one said, they have really nice art galleries.

    i said, you wanna see art on spring break? you dont wanna get drunk and make out with boys?

    and they laughed and laughed and said no. then one asked if i was married. i said omg are you proposing to me on valentines day? if so I DO! then we talked about american broccoli compared to chinese broccoli and if she was my wife i might have to say nyet to chinese broccoli. and she said oh we have american broccoli in china we just call it something different.

    i was so enamoured by them all that i forgot to turn on my phone so they got a $20 ride as a vday gift from america. i said shit and fuck all the way back to silver lake when i got a beep from a tattooed thai girl who seemed super glum. picked her up in a great neighborhood, she too had really short shorts. i suppose it was very warm last night. she said she wanted to go to hollywood and vine. no particular place.

    she is a native los angelino. i said oh are you going to 33 taps? then we talked about how we liked it better when it was dillons and you could get any beer for $3. sigh. i wanted to cheer her up somehow and even though she sat in the passenger seat it didnt seem like she wanted to talk much. cute single girl on valentines day headed to the heat of the action alone. good for her.

    little tokyo

    drove these two young asian women from one side of town to the other. one of them had a 10 year old car that was in the shop. the other one seemed to know everything about the innards of the car and concluded that her belts were worn and etc. the other coughed a bunch and i offered water but she didnt want any. and i was all oh god am i gonna get sick cuz of this? i always ask if theres any music they wanna hear but most of them are very happy with what ive got going on. so i heard one sing along to my Cure mix of friday im in love (it was friday duh and vday) lemonheads weezer pixies violent femmes buzzcocks.

    yes there were couples. one that worried me said they had dated for 10 years and recently got married. when they dated they never lived together and now that they share a loft together they are realizing how much they enjoyed their independence. they joked about it but for newlyweds, yikes. i appreciated their honesty and all but embrace the union people! hopefully a bigger place will fix things. it usually does.

    but the cutest couple were this ridiculously hot lesbian pair i picked up in west hollywood. for some reason i avoid weho because i dont know it as well as the rest of LA but the people i get there are so nice and way into uber that i should learn the landmarks there better because those kids are out and having a great time.

    these two were on their fourth date, way into each other, and found each other on ok cupid. the blonde had on those american apparel skin tight leather looking pants and the dark haired brazilian (!) was just as sultry blur. the blonde couldnt stop talking about how great her ass was and how her white girl ass cant compare.

    i was all not everyone can rock those american apparels baby. youre selling yourself short and they told me about their online romance to lead to the real thing. first date tapas and wine. see boys, we’re doing it wrong. before i let them go i asked the brazilian if Bossa Nova, where i had just taken kira, was authentic to real brazillians and she said its her favorite restaurant because its run by brazilians and thats how the food tastes there.


    jeanines tapes

    after them i got a new yorker dude and a british girl and we talked about accents, derek jeter, and california and somehow the fare was only $3 to get them from rage to Buca di Beppo. so i said ill never hit my goal of $200 unless i get some long runs, plus how am i gonna beat the 4th date lesbians. so i drove west to ucla in hopes that since it was 11:30pm maybe someone was looking to head to hollywood for a few hours of clubbing.

    picked up a cute boy and girl at a sorority house who just wanted to go to the other side of campus. they had a takeout box from 800 Degrees (pizza date on vday? hmmmm) and then boom got a british girl and handsome dude who wanted to go to a club on hollywood blvd. we took sunset all the way pretty much as she tried real hard to talk it up with him but she was obvs way more into him than vice versa and he just played it cool and i thought i could never do that. if i just wanted a girl to shut up who was that into me i woulda just made out with her all the way there. instead the more he shut down the harder she tried.

    when we were almost there he questioned whether we had passed it, i said, your club is behind the museum of death, trust me, i’ll know when we get to the death musee. and in minutes we had arrived.

    took a sad girl who just listened to her headphones home from the bars in hollywood. up a curvy road deep in the hills. so remote and nice. lots of the rich werent home. great places in the canyons yet no lights on. no cars. except those under huge trees. got these east coast dudes who tipped me which never happens. but they insisted.

    got two tipsy girls from Den on the sunset strip who lived right by runyon who went over the nice-and-funny boys they met and compared them to the hot ones. then got a bartender at lure (remember the swedish girls, that club) who wanted to go home near the grove. then two guys who i picked up in an alley across from the grove who wanted to go back home to downtown LA. we talked about the death of the good dive bars. most notably the down and out. we agreed about la citas awesomeness and how dtla is fun for a few years but its not really living up to the hype unless youre an alkie a druggie or work there.

    then this well dressed american psycho christian bale type gentleman with his absent minded hippy friend came out of one of the edm dance clubs. he had a suit on was talking about product and holding on to his vape which he swore only had tobacco in it. we went from dtla to hollywood and his buddy said omg we need something to eat. the suit guy who was sitting next to me for some reason said in a very measured tone i’ll cook you some pancakes.

    hippie joe walsh guy goes well what kind of syrup do you have?

    suit guy who murphys law ran into his exgf at the club a few hours ago, which rattled him, said maple.

    hippie goes bleh no one likes maple!

    so he goes well lets get some pizza then. so i say joes pizza is right over there and i think theyre open till 3. it was 230am. we drive over, they ask me to keep the meter running and they waited in line with the hottest skankiest and shadiest in hollywood after hours all wanting that thin crust.

    and i remembered that miss ohio had asked me if i had named my car or my phone? i said no, so she said you should name your phone Blanche. she said because thats an ugly name and your phones name should never be prettier than your name. so thanks Blanche, if we had charged the chinese we woulda hit $200. but $188 is fine.

  2. Friday, February 14, 2014
  3. Thursday, February 13, 2014

    if uber wanted to make a commercial they shoulda filmed tonight 

    not a pipe

    after eating sushi with jeanine in playa i drove down to venice to see if i could find someone looking to go back to hollywood. one of the beauties of having uber and living in hollywood is people love hollywood so you might get paid to drive home.

    slid through venice and on main street picked up a tourist guy from barcelona who just had a full day of being at the beach and taking a tour bus through sunset to DTLA and back. then he jumped in the ocean and ate japanese. then ubered me and i drove him to where his air bnb was. we talked about how spanish people really dont like spicy food.

    after dropping him off i went back to main and picked up two athletic frat bros and their mom from one of my favorite bars in venice. the boys were going to another bar off pch and they asked me to drop mom off in brentwood. turned out they all went to ucsb, the boys met on the baseball team, ones in the minors now, and the mom went to ucsb in the late 70s when, she told me, rent on sabado was $65 a month. she also told me that beer was not allowed 1 mile around the campus. but they got it in their apartments anyhow. “grass too!” she said. lovely woman.

    streamdrove down wilshire to westwood but got a call to double back towards brentwood. saw a guy with 2 pretty girls in black dresses. Thought ok. Then 4 different girls appeared, even prettier somehow and they raced toward me. Approached the car. Said Uber? I says yep. They says Lure on Ivar?

    I was all holy cow that’s in Hollywood where I wanna be!

    I said you girls aren’t Swedish are you? They said yep. And the perfume was amazing and the accents and mama mia. i said ive been to sweden. they asked where? i said Jönköping. and there was silence. i guess my accent was dead on.

    they were all, why were you in Jönköping? i said, because thats where the prettiest girls in the world are.

    they laughed and said, no, Stockholm! then they asked me if i could get there in half the time a normal man could get there in.

    i said i will get you there faster than anyone else in the world and they requested kiss-fm and as rihanna and pitbull and kei$ha and avincci played commercial free and they sang along i took wilshire to santa monica to fountain to highland and right on ivar and boom a convention of impossibly beautiful young ladies all waiting to go into this club behind amoeba records.

    it was 11pm and i was basically home and i had made $50 and my car smelled of young swedish college girls.

    so i rolled the dice and left the uber phone on. the risk is you’ll get someone who wants you to take them somewhere far away and you dont get home till way too late. but i got lucky and got a photographer who just wanted to go to the dragonfly, so i dropped him off, turned it off and couldnt believe my good luck.

    sometimes the good lord is looking out for you, and sometimes i think he just wants to see what it would take for you to enjoy kiss fm.

  4. today is jeanine’s birthday, shes 24 

    jeanine volcano

    jeanine has been one of my closest friends since i first seduced her in isla vista on cordova ave.

    a few weeks later she tried to kill herself, but it didnt take, so she, for some reason considers me her guardian angel instead of The Cause of All Misery, which is why she’s wonderful.

    like many close friends there are times when we laugh cry and scream at each other. sometimes in the same conversation.

    jeanine is going through a lot right now. she has experienced some deaths in her family, she has a very demanding career, and she is doing her best to detox from booze all by herself.

    like beyonce, shes an independent woman. unlike queen b, jeanine has no jay-z with benjamins to help smooth the road to success.

    yesterday i got a text message that she had a seizure at work and was rushed to the hospital.

    about an hour later i got another text from her boss saying “please call me tony” and i panicked because i thought she had died in the hospital.

    i was terrified to call because i didnt want to hear that news. i thought about all of the things that i wanted her to do with the next 100 years of her life and one of them being that i wanted her to teach my kids how to be guitar heroes.

    fortunately she is still alive. and kicking. and joking. and beautiful. and wonderful. and i am so happy and relieved.

    i love her so much and i look forward to dining with her tonight.

    happy birthday amazing aquarius!

  5. White basketball player, older, Midwest accent 


    Starts talking about Jersey. Then about the mafia.

    I said I didn’t know any connected kids played hoops in Jersey. Or I should say, I didn’t know of any that were any good.

    He was all, ah ha, you’re right. That’s because I’m not from Jersey, I’m from Chicago.

    I was like what part? He starts talking and turns out he was recruited by DePaul back in the day. I was all yeah I know them. He quizzed me.

    I was are you crazy? Mark Aguirre, Terry Cummings, the focal Ray Meyer. I said g I watched them in the little gym before they moved to the Rosemont Horizon.

    Bro was impressed and started showing me pictures if his ladies.

    I said ah yes yes. But I was driving. Why would you want me to not keep my eyes on the road.

    We go from Hollywood to Santa Monica. He says keep the engine running, Rosemont.

    After 5 mins I call. I say you good? He asked, is the meter running? I said affirmative. He goes good. Be down in 5.

    Something tells me it’ll be more than 5. But at least I got to write you.

  6. Wednesday, February 12, 2014

    did some quick ubering last night to see if i still had it 

    colorsalso to see what was going on in my city because id been a little out of touch for a while.

    first little group of very nice ppl i picked up was at Black Hogg in silver lake on sunset. not real sure what sorta place it is but i think its one of those snout to tail meat establishments.

    the kids were cool and were very giddy that they started their meal with pork buns. “say duck buns all day and try not to smile” the cute girl in the back said and her friends laughed and it’s true. DUCK BUNS. they told me about some more of the snacks they had and instructed me to take them to echo park for their actual meal which i obliged.

    we became fast friends and i was a little sad when we got to echo park blvd because they seemed fun.

    a few minutes later i was to a PLACE that was being listed as a STREET but the PLACE was right next to the STREET so i looked like a bozo when i went to the PLACE but fortunately the beautiful woman who looked a lot like Mila Kunis called me and said oh i see you and hopped in.

    she was all Do you know where Cha Cha is? I asked, on Virgil? She said, no on Glendale. and i blanked but fortunately she gave me directions as she texted in the back and omg of course id been there, its right across from the Red Lion in Silver Lake. I was glad to see Rockaway Records was still there. thank god for vinyl i guess. but yea, Cha Cha is where ive been to parties hosted by Alie and Georgia as well as that great pic i took with Bree.

    she hopped out and i saw she had a I Hate Everything patch on the back of her army jacket and i wondered if she was gonna give me a 4 star rating for being such a loser. but she did drink some water so maybe she would forgive me.

    drove around a little and made my way towards Echo Park again. i wanted to go to Staples to see if a concert was letting out but got beeped by a guy leaving Mohawk Bend. he asked if i knew where the Satellite was. do i? frickin my favorite rock club in LA.

    so as we drove there he told me a story about how when he first moved here he was flirting with a sorta older woman and figured he’d throw her a bone. turned out she was actually super connected and gave him free tickets to shows whenever he wanted. we agreed that one great thing about LA is you never ever ever ever know who anyone is so you probably should just be cool to everyone.

    and i thought, maybe LA isnt the only place one should practice that practice.

  7. Tuesday, February 11, 2014
  8. Monday, February 10, 2014

    full day. im beat. but, must, blog 

    will butler and karen o

    i have a weird job. it’s good, it’s fascinating, but it’s odd. especially with the white namebadge that i now have.

    it allows me to go to total strangers and ask may i please take a picture of you and they stop what theyre doing

    and say cheese. i want to say you realize ive seen you play lots of times and i love you and my friends love you

    but i dont say that because id like to keep wearing my white namebadge for a while. plus they know i love em.

    today was the the nominees luncheon and it was actually more star studded than i expected. bono was there.

    leo, marty, meryl, lupita, spike, pharrel, jonah, sandy. all there to eat drink and bask in the fact that today theyre special.


    not just normal special but special special. oscar special. which is mighty rare. rarer than people think.

    if youve ever worked at a video store or even flipped through dvds at amoeba or netflix theres tons of movies out there

    and very very few get to go home with that gold trophy. so days like today where everyone can just say yeah right on

    are super special. the food was great the feelings were sweet and it was cool to see how short bono was. i never knew.

    now im gonna sleep and sleep and sleep and in the morn convince the urologist to keep his probing probes away from me.

    way more pics from today right here

  9. todays the nominees luncheon, and im going 


    not only that but theyre paying me to go and they want me to live blog it. whattya think of that?


    its at the beverly wilshire right there on the corner of santa monica and wilshire and its got a great pool.


    at the end everyone sits for a class picture and its great and you can watch me live blog it all at oscars.org