nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, February 9, 2014

    went to see the lego movie because bree said it was killer 


    i was all, but i really just wanna sit at home and watch something good on my tv and recover from my ills


    she was all, get out of your bed old man and walk around a little, lay in bed when yr dead


    one of the things i hated when that stone was in me was how much i hated things, so i said fine


    and no matter what came my way that was dumb i did my best not to hate it


    so i turned off bad netflix and went to the vista and it was packed, mostly with little kids who were awesome


    the movie was fantastic, ive never heard so much applause at the end, and i gotta say, movie of the year so far


    afterwards i thought about this girl i knew who a day after i met her was doing nude backbends in my bed

    and i thought you have zero reasons to be mad at the world, old man,

    especially now that youre minus one evil stone

  2. went to dumb starbucks today in los feliz 

    dumb starbucks

    they say they can call themselves this because of parody laws but no one believes them


    they probably dont believe it either because they were giving all the coffee away for free


    people waited over an hour on a pretty day to get their free cup of ice coffee


    that means their time is only worth $4/hr. therefore the name fit the customers to a tea.

  3. Saturday, February 8, 2014

    am i dying a terrible death? 

    build a worldyes.

    do other people have serious problems too and we should also think about them and their needs?


    have some pretty girls sent pretty pictures into my in box and brought smiles to my undeserving face?


    did my boss give me monday off to recover even though thats the Oscar nominees luncheon and i really really really really really wanted to go and see hollywood’s stars eat wolfgang puck’s food and mingle and smile because everyones still in the race?

    :( yes

    have i felt any pains in my side at all today?

    strangely, no

    have i eaten any pain meds since 1am?


    have i been eating today like a normal person?

    i never eat like a normal person, and i feel gross, so ive only had a scoop of oatmeal and a little sushi.

    are you really eating sushi when youre dying?

    what else you want me to eat? big macs?

    have you been saying ridiculous things to people via email text and etc?

    more than usual, yes.

    are you annoyed with pretty much everyone you run across in real life?

    im not proud of that, but probably. the stray cats are fine though.

    what are the odds that theyre going to put a rod up your youwho and laser blast your stones

    id say its about a 50% chance.

    what can we do to support you?

    pray to your god to talk to my god that the next time i take a leak the stone comes out the natural way.


  4. Friday, February 7, 2014
  5. im starting to see why kurt cobain killed himself 

    kurt cobain cryingand now i know for sure why he self medicated.

    when the time it takes for you to fill out the endless amount of paperwork is 5x longer than the time the doctor spends with you to figure out whats wrong with you, something is wrong.

    when doctors and hospitals refuse to talk with each other and act as if you are the first person who needs them to talk with each other, you want to die – or do heroin

    when people on the phone tell you you’re in “the wrong pod” or you need “an authorization” or that it will take 7 to 10 days to get your records out of their computers to the specialists computers: the rage inside of you equals the power that fueled Bleach.

    this blog has done its best to be a positive voice in the wilderness, but this weird side trip into the bowels of the american health care system has turned me into a negative creep who has talked about burning down buildings and blowing his head off more this last week than ever.

    even though president obama didnt get the Obamacare that he knows we need, now im seeing he did the right thing by trying. and those who keep trying to cockblock him in the name of politics or racism or pride should burn in the depths of hell.

    our bodies and minds fail occasionally, especially as we get older. fact.

    and the strange truth that almost every other first world country on this planet has figured out how to take care of its citizens and the usa hasnt should be a huge embarrassment to this nation.

    but instead we just pretend theres nothing we can do about it.

    there is always something we can do about it.

    and if i hadnt gotten the perfect pain relievers from the meanest doc i had the displeasure of running into, who knows what i would be doing right now.

  6. Thursday, February 6, 2014

    xbi were all, ever heard about the Death Cat of the olde folks home 


    i said of course, it went to the rooms of the senior citizens and a few days later they were dead.

    xbi was all yeah and havent you noticed an awful lot of cats around your house. dont you think that means something?


    i said yeah it meant  a very irresponsible cat hoarder didn’t take care of her business when she was evicted.

    xbi was all, keep telling that to yourself. and just like that the pain was excruciating.  i walked in the rain to the ER

    but called my doc saying which hospital should i go to? the one i know will only cover ER stuff

    or this other hospital that actually omg might have a urologist in the house. he said, suck it up agent.

    he said go home, load up on drugs, sext, and in the morning the xbi urologist will be back in Cali.

    and even though he’s xbi and theyre clearly trying to get me to crack, i like him, hes my doctor. he told me to quit that one job that lead to the good job and the great job after that.

    technically im xbi too but not really, so maybe deep down hes not really either.

    plus at some point youve GOTTA trust somebody.

    if the xbi has taught me anything its: the easiest opponent to crush is one who has no allies.

    so even though i puked off vicodins yesterday, i downed one, heated up some chicken my maid left me yesterday, and asked a young lady to show me what im missing.

    she said hows this

    and that actually did make me feel better for a little while.

    unfortunately i struck out with everyone else and realized either i need to get wilder friends or educate the world on this brand of experimental medication

    1781501_10152187064958057_1577206348_n and then when i was begging a lovely canadian to just show me what shoes she was wearing and she replied by taking a snap of her chipotle salad


    in came a totally unsolicited text from my mom. with this amazing picture of my niece.

    and i was all omg ive been barking up the wrong tree.

    you need to survive this asteroid field of kidney stones not for selfish personal reasons

    but so you could help others, especially those in your family.

    i need to teach my niece how to throw elbows in the paint.

    my sister is too sweet and my brother in law is too logical

    uncle tony needs to bring a lil east hollywood into the lives of the holy family girls bball squad

    that is my secret purpose

    if, of course, i live through the night.

    which looks like a long shot.

    and its raining like how that great poet described it many moons ago

    the rain, it rains, and it pours on a little pink girls bike
    half falling down no kickstand
    im damned why wont he say it
    in a holding cell not hell but close
    someone in the cloud has a rope
    but theyre scared id use it the cheater way
    and youd see dangling converses
    in the morning with milk but i got better plans dear fans

    so thank you, most badass niece

  7. im on my knees 

    doc offic

    im on hold.

    the lady said the urologist only comes in on Tuesdays



    so sge said “so you have hmo and we are your insurance ppl?” n i said YESSSS

    so she put me on hold

    and now i have to hear this stupid message while i wait.

    heres what it should be “youre not gonig to die. we are ging to help you. we love you. we went to school for this. we love you, hod on. we are trying . i know this suks. and then play pink floyd or something nice.


    if this kills me this is what i want on my tombstone

    <\ busblog>

  8. Wednesday, February 5, 2014

    What’s happening in this ER hallway 


    This girl behind me is having stomach pains. They think she may be preggers

    This guy across from me, mike, is freaked out by everything they say to him because 2 tactless docs said they may have to amputate his effed up foot

    Another guy also has kidney stones. He’s asking for more heroin.

    This guy who looks famous has a blood clot in his leg “that’s why your heart is beating so fast”

  9. barfed up my breakfast because i ate a vicodin at 7am 


    felt dizzy around noon, then oh crap wheres the mens room

    and then thank god it all bolted out of my poor lil tummy

    and into the super clean bowl in the first rate movie theatre

    the ladies in the adjoining bathroom probably thought i was bulimic

    this is hollywood, after all, but no, im just straight edge and my bod cant tolerate opiates.

    and now i feel 1,000 times better, which is weird because this morning i was nearly in tears.

    a few minutes ago the xbi texted me “sure you still wanna feel pain?”

    i felt like replying “what pain?”

    but they can read my mind.