nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, February 4, 2014

    flea explains why he was playing guitar hero at the super bowl 


    Dear everybody,

    When we were asked by the NFL and Bruno to play our song Give It Away at the Super Bowl, it was made clear to us that the vocals would be live, but the bass, drums, and guitar would be pre-recorded. I understand the NFL’s stance on this, given they only have a few minutes to set up the stage, there a zillion things that could go wrong and ruin the sound for the folks watching in the stadium and the t.v. viewers. There was not any room for argument on this, the NFL does not want to risk their show being botched by bad sound, period.

    The Red Hot Chili Peppers stance on any sort of miming has been that we will absolutely not do it. The last time we did it (or tried to) was in the late 80’s, we were thrown off of ‘The Top Of the Pops’ television program in the U.K. during rehearsals because we refused to mime properly, I played bass with my shoe, John played guitar atop Anthony’s shoulders, and we basically had a wrestling match onstage, making a mockery of the idea that it was a real live performance.

    We mimed on one or two weird MTV shows before that and it always was a drag. We take our music playing seriously, it is a sacred thing for us, and anyone who has ever seen us in concert (like the night before the Super Bowl at the Barclays Center), knows that we play from our heart, we improvise spontaneously, take musical risks, and sweat blood at every show. We have been on the road for 31 years doing it.

    So, when this Super Bowl gig concept came up, there was a lot of confusion amongst us as whether or not we should do it, but we eventually decided, it was a surreal-like, once in a life time crazy thing to do and we would just have fun and do it. We had given this a lot of thought before agreeing to do it, and besides many a long conversation amongst ourselves, I spoke with many musician friends for whom I have the utmost respect, and they all said they would do it if asked, that it was a wild trippy thing to do, what the hell.

    Plus, we the RHCP all love football too and that played a big part in our decision. We decided that, with Anthony singing live, that we could still bring the spirit and freedom of what we do into the performance, and of course we played every note in the recording specially for the gig. I met and spoke with Bruno, who was a beautiful dude, a real talented musician, and we worked out something that seemed like it would be fun.

    bruno-mars-red-hot-chili-peppers-super-bowlWe recorded a track for the day, just banged one out from our hearts that was very like in spirit to the versions we have been playing live the last few years with our beloved Josh on guitar.

    For the actual performance, Josh, Chad, and I were playing along with the pre recorded track so there was no need to plug in our guitars, so we did not. Could we have plugged them in and avoided bumming people out who have expressed disappointment that the instrumental track was pre recorded? Of course easily we could have and this would be a non-issue. We thought it better to not pretend. It seemed like the realest thing to do in the circumstance. It was like making a music video in front of a gazillion people, except with live vocals, and only one chance to rock it. Our only thought was to bring the spirit of who we are to the people.

    I am grateful to the NFL for having us. And I am grateful to Bruno, who is a super talented young man for inviting us to be a part of his gig. I would do it all the same way again.

    We, as a band, aspire to grow as musicians and songwriters, and to continue to play our guts out live onstage for anyone who wants to get their brains blown out.


  2. everyone dies in the end 


    if i wrote a movie thats what id call it.

    everyone always wants to know the end of the story, well there it is.

    these last two weeks ive felt closer to death than ever before

    and ive been talking to people and reading about people who are knocking on heavens door

    and its not the movie i thought i was buying a ticket to.

    this morning i felt so good i was nearly skipping. tonight im limping.

    i feel like django shot me in the side with an invisible bullet and because God is great every couple of days it heals but then django just shoots me again when im not looking. et tu, django?

    1967CES_05up until this point of the movie nothing no one has ever been able to do to me has stopped me

    growing up i had lots of things against me, just like you may have had.

    but today im feeling minnesota and the things i have to do are outweighing

    the things i wanna do.

    just like someone you know who recently died, i feel like just curling up in a ball.

    thats what heroin is. in fact if i made a movie about heroin thats what id call it

    heroin, the curling up in a ball story.

    al gore did not invent life for us to just curl up.

    we are here to rock out

    with our private parts out.

    the good book says we are here to make a joyful noise unto the lord probably because just like us he loves rock concerts and thats who we are to him.

    i dont know much but my guess is he gets inspired by us. and what happens when you get inspired? you do killer shit you didnt expect.

    and, sad, desolate, boo hoo victims of the world, heres the good news about your pain

    the prettiest flowers bloom when it thinks its gonna die.

    so no, do not curl up your petals my sweet tulip

    stretch those fuckers out and say

    im not dying,

    im just warming up.

  3. do you know i love you? i do 


    i like your teeth, your smile, the way you say my name.

    i like your perfume, your snore, the way you blame others for your farts

    i like your past, your present, the way you think, and yr face

    and i especially love how you make the sounds come out of your not-plugged in bass.

  4. nearly died yesterday but alls way better today 

    gaspar noeyesterday morning i woke up and thought i should probably go to the hospital. those stones are back and they wanted more of my delicious gooey nugat.

    drove to work and thought i should probably see Cedar Sinai hospital for the first time.

    got to my desk and things were blurry and spinning and this super honest Portuguese woman said, “you look terrible” which was odd because i had a dress shirt, sweater, khakis and dress shoes on because i had prepared to be buried.

    so 15 minutes into work i told this other coworker to tell my boss that i was going to the hospital.

    drank some water and went to the loo in the building because i figured cedars would have a long wait.

    i groaned in the mens room as i wrote my boss an apologetic note explaining what had been done and not done and how i was sorry but i was dying. told the security guard i was peacing out and as i walked to the garage i figured i should probably take Uber to the hospital cuz lord knows how much parking is gonna be at the beverly hills hospital. plus they probably wouldnt let me drive home so maybe i should just uber there, uber home, and uber to work the next day instead of driving.

    my experience with the morphine that they gave me last time was one where i was happy i was walking home instead of driving.

    so as i walked past the huge rock to Fairfax i suddenly felt better. it dawned on me that maybe that last pee pissed out the stone. i didnt feel great but i didnt feel awful any more. and with each step i felt better and better.

    usually the feeling of “OMG I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL” is the stone going through the tiniest part of its journey. and the only reason i went to the hospital the other times was to ensure that i wasnt crazy and to get meds in case there were some straggler stones. but i had meds at home. and i knew i wasnt cray. so i turned around, went to work, nearly fainted a few times, but they fed us lunch and i felt better.

    i just sat in my chair and worked and fortunately it wasnt a hectic day and i drank water and pissed and i canceled the drinks i was gonna have at 7pm and just went home, turned up the heat, ate beefaroni and watched my man Matt Welch on The independents talk with Anthony Weiner and laughed and watched PTI and laughed and watched the news and turned that shit off immediately and went to bed and got a full 8 hours sleep.

    and i type to you a renewed man. better, stronger, faster, blacker, deffer. today imma go to the swankiest hotel in beverly hills for work, then do some other stuff, return home to do laundry and maybe uber for a few hours because i miss it. thank you God for letting me survive yesterday and thank you for letting me have a bottle of vicodins for when the pain hits.

    if only i knew what was causing them.

  5. Monday, February 3, 2014
  6. a letter from etienne upon hearing i passed two more kidney stones in the last 24 hours 


    Tony I swear to baby Jesus you better be alright.


    You make money. Just pay a Mexican woman to make all your food everyday and don{t eat ANYTHING other than that and don´t drink anything other than water. No booze, no pop, no sake.


    I swear if you croak I´m going to go and kill you. And I certainly won´t be pouring rum on anybody´s grave if their croaking was completely avoidable.

    What is wrong with you. You live in America, land of answers. SO FIGURE THIS THE F OUT, TONY.


  7. Sunday, February 2, 2014

    phillip seymour hoffman overdosed the same day bill maher took this pic 

    usc songgirls

    of the usc cheerleaders at a super bowl party in the hollywood hills before the rain came

    life is super weird and seemingly random and unconnected

    but we are so connected.

    the food you lay out for the kittens gets eaten by the possums

    the cats starve and no more food gets laid out

    so the possums turn vegan and there goes yr guarden

    i had acupuncture today for the first time ever. the lady was amazing.

    she asked are you afraid of needles? i said only if the needles are filled with sadness.

    she said no these will release good things already in your body

    first one she put in me she stuck in my bald head and right away i felt these dragons swimming through my body

    slithering sorta, eating away all the bad things, making me stronger, tighter, sturdier

    she put about 20 in me all around me. it smelled so nice in there.

    everything was super clean but not sterile. the mat was warm.

    the music was ok if you call it music it was more like a man in a box with a little cymbal

    as water dripped into a deep cavernous pool.

    i thought of you and colors swirled in my inner eye.

    i was the safest man in the world and those dragons had a lot to eat.

    walking out i stumbled on the first step. symbolic.

    and then i levitated home.

  8. if i knew what i was doing id tell you 

    aliwas exhausted this morning when i woke up it was like i hadnt slept at all.

    the plan was to drive all day and all night. but best laid plaids etc etc.

    super hot ali wanted to have lunch. thats funner than driving. so we went to Good and i had tilapia grits with a side of eggs. bottomless mimosas were just $10 but i was gonna drive after so i passed. we agreed to meet up later so when i got home i started driving but i was tired.

    picked up this black golfer at the griffith park golf course. he told me this great story about how he and his boys set up another one of his friends with a girl that they all considered easy. someone to just to help him relax. but instead of just having a good time with her, he falls in love with her and knocks her up. neither of them are even from this country so the boys say just fly home but he’s all but but and theyre all are you nuts.

    the golf clubs didnt fit in my trunk. note to self. be careful of picking up more than one golfer.

    then i took these guys up to mt olympus which i thought i had been to before but i dont think i have. mama mia those views! went home took a nap because i was getting a headache and i was nervous i was coming down with something. drank a bunch of Acai juice, ate an oreo and said a prayer.


    got back on the road with a turkish guy who was talking about how cold it had gotten and how hes nervous about global warming. that turned into earthquake talk and he told me about a 1,600 year old temple with a dome in turkey that is still standing despite the fact that they get hella earthquakes. he said there was even a note in the cement of the dome from the architect saying fine heres the secret of how to make stuff that will never fall down.

    that led to a super beautiful british young lady who was loving the 80s remix station i found on sirius. we went way up into the curvy roads of silver lake and talked about fish n chips. i asked her what she has thought about america over the last 5-6 months that shes been here. she said she loved it. she said what she loved the most was how optimistic everyone was here. i said, yes because we see peoples dreams come true and it’s wonderful. we got talking about books and bookstores and she asked if i had been to skylight and i said of course so i told her she should check out The Last Bookstore and she was all will do!

    realized i probably shouldnt tell anyone what i do in the day. it’s really irrelevant. but the problem is if i say “oh thats top secret” then that only adds to the mystery and they pry more. how am i the interesting one in the car. im not. im doing this for fun and for an excuse to drive around the city i love and find weird nooks and crannies to newly love.

    picked up a gentleman near the la country club. he asked if i knew where this gay bar the eagle was. as a matter of fact i knew exactly where it was. it was kismet because i really wanted to go to silver lake at that moment to hang with ali katie and claire because i wanted to drive them downtown to their rave. so that was nice to be going that ways anyways.

    hung with them a little, took em to The Exchange. picked up three nice ppl from SF who had spent all day at disneyland and wanted to go up to highland park. very nice. soon as i dropped them off someone in eagle rock wanted me. got there and waited an uncomfortably long time but it was only prob 15 minutes. i was getting heated. turned out the guy was a good guy photographer who probably called for me and then hopped in the shower never realizing that i can get to your place in minutes not hours. anyways guess where he was headed: the exchange. he was supposed to shoot the djs. fine.


    spent a strange amount of time in DTLA near skid row. sketchy but fine. these three asian guys asked me to take them to a no name asian dance place in the middle of nowhere on Compton Street. the cops eyeballed us as we drove there. lots of cops in downtown today. lots. took a nice couple from Tony’s Saloon back to echo park then at the echo took another nice couple to west hollywood. then took a guy from weho to culver city and by that time it was 2am.

    what is nice for drivers about 2am is our prices go up because of supply and demand. the lesson i learned friday night was try not to get stuck in a bad part of LA at 2am or you lose your window to make some bucks. luckily i was near westwood blvd. but i really didnt wanna end the night all the way on the westside so i sped towards the miracle mile. picked up a guy on the edge of beverly hills who only wanted to go about 10 blocks but because the rates were triple i did ok.

    then my gas light came on. my car is amazing and the map suddenly highlighted 5 gas stations around me and even though time was literally money because of the doubling of prices, i put $20 in and drove down the sunset strip towards the roxy. no takers because it was like 2:30am and bars actually start kicking people out at 1:30 so an hour later everyones basically gone. or in car crashes. i saw so many.

    two bootsboys town is a little different for some reason they rage later into the night so i went down to santa monica and got beeped to pick someone up at mels on the strip. wound up being two LMU students at 1.5x rate who wanted a ride basically to the airport. heres the great thing about uber. even though the rates were slightly higher, and it was hella far, it was only $40. one guy slept in the back and the other tried to stay awake asking me about ucsb. by the time i dropped them off it was about 3:15am.

    i was very tempted to see if i could find someone who wanted to go back to hollywood but how exactly does one do that? i could have ended up in malibu for pete sake. drove home and nearly got tempted to dip into DTLA to see if there were any stragglers who wanted to go to hollywood but i was so sleepy and hungry and the beefaroni that amazon delivered was calling my name.

    got home and was so exhausted i just sat in my car looking at what i had missed on instagram.

    what did i miss on this wrap up? a ride i gave to a gorgeous young lady who was on a match.com date that wasnt going well so she cut her losses early and called uber. i drove her home and was amazed at the amount of bad luck she had on online dating. so interesting so pretty. great pad. great job. whats up with the fellas of LA?

    well this one is a bit tired. thats for sure.

  9. Saturday, February 1, 2014

    Didn’t plan on driving til 4am 


    But LA was magical and beautiful

    And drunk and frisky

    And wearing the shortest dresses

    And texting me the most inappropriate things

    People I had just Met omg


    I had so many customers I’m gonna have a hard time remembering them in the morning

    But let’s say I had one trip from nose to nose with the Hollywood sign down to USC

    And then got stuck in USC because the kids love Uber and hate jackets

    And right when I decided no more USC sorority girls I’m going home, I had just driven thru the mcdonalds and got beeped. Finally found the guy and he says Sherman Oaks

    Turns out he’s a guitarist named James who only wanted to talk about van Halen and rush. And I was all I’m right there with you buddy.

    Strangely had two separate fares from the Edison.


    5 ppl on e
    24 drunk folk maybe 28
    14 USC ppl
    9 frat/soror
    7 lgbt
    1 guy who knew how much a pound of great weed should cost
    1 guy who said, “driver, do you know where to get coke?”
    2 people who realized as we approached they had locked their keys inside their home “get ready for climbing” one guy said to the other
    1 hairdresser who alerted me that hologram clothes “are back in a major way”
    1 producer who was exhausted from karaoke
    1 freshman girl who had a bad date with a frat guy but had the best attitude about it, “I ate sushi and got a great dress out of it”
    3 Brits, one named Tim
    Learned about Empire of the Sun and Disclosure
    Ate two tacos, some fries and a half a chicken sandwich
    2 birthday girls
    2 guys I only talked to on the phone bc they wandered in the hills of Hollywood and couldn’t find their way to the street and didn’t seem to care. La la la