there are strippers and there are hookers in this sprawling metropolis


and tonight i picked up one of them in culver city, took the 405 through all that mess, stopped in front of a office building in burbank, realized we were nowhere near where she was supposed to be, wound our way past warner brothers and across the 101 until we got to highland and drove her south to where she was expected.

but we’ll get into that more a little later. the plan earlier in the evening was to head west to the beach and see if i could just get one person who wanted to go back to hollywood and then diddle around there till midnight. but youre crazy if you think you can predict the uber future.

went quite a ways to rodeo drive when i got beeped for the first time in the night by two young ladies who worked at a fancy department store. they were in from out of town and had bad things to say about the men of texas. let me tell you. they asked for me to take them to “don julios in west LA” i asked on pico? and they said yes. as we drove we talked about how young i looked for my age and some of the places that they traveled. when we got to don antonio’s i said here we are.

they said this isnt don julios. i said there isnt any don julios. don julio is a top shelf tequila. don antonio’s is one of the best and funnest bars in west LA, and the place where i underage day drank back in my car stereo salesman days at the nearby Federated. they researched their notes and lo it Was don antonios they wanted to go to.

amazed, they asked for my number for any future mind reading excursions and i asked them if i could put a cubs hat on the one from chicago and take their picture and they were all hell yeah.



drove down to venice and picked up a very attractive couple. the young lady was calling her bf names for having her almost trip running across the street to my car. “i’m too pretty to die young,” she told him. she threatened his life in playful ways and i asked how their valentines day was and she was all “fine humph!” quickly we were at their home and i advised him to sleep with one eye open.

got hungry so i got a two shrimp taco french fry coke deal at del taco because murphys law someone will beep you Reasonable_Doubt_Newwhen youre not near nobody and youre trying to eat fast in your car because you dont want the french fries to smell up your ride. sure enough “jose” beeps me toward culver city. i drove but when i arrived i couldnt find the address and when i called there was no answer, so canceled his request and i kept towards culver city when i got beeped and then received a phone call from a gentleman with a low customer rating who called to give me the corrected address to the home where he wanted me to pick up “a girl”.

he seemed very tired or drunk or stoned or something and as i drove to the apartment i wondered why the other drivers had rated him so badly. i was nervous. when i got to the apt i waited a few minutes but then called him right away. “are you there?” he asked. “yep.” i said. “ok she’ll be right out.” and in short order a beautiful young white woman with a huge afro wig, giant jlo hoop earrings, and the prettiest face climbed into the back. when i asked where to, she said, “oh i dont know lets find out”. and eventually got the address in north hollywood. when i plugged the digits into my gps it said burbank. do you mean burbank and not north hollywood? i asked. she said, yeah thats probably it.

my gps warned me of a major delay but i wouldnt have minded being stuck on the 405 all night with her. but still the entire scene seemed a tad shady and i wondered what awaited me at the destination. at first i thought shes a stripper but she didnt smell like a stripper. that wear that amazing perfume. and she was waaay to pretty to be a hooker. i was baffled.

as we pulled out i asked her if she wanted some water and she gave me a strong yes! then when i asked what kind of music she wanted she answered: hip hop. niiice. it was going to be a 28 minute ride, my gps said. usually you make about a buck fiddy a minute. so i wanted her extra happy. after two songs she politely informed me that she didnt like the hip hop station and asked if i knew of another one.

i said, i have every record in the world on my phone. all for you. what would you like? she said, do you have any old school rap? i asked, like who, she said jay z reasonable doubt? and boom we were playing it and boom we were stuck in 405 traffic. she barely spoke and it drove me nuts because of all people i wanted to ask her so many questions. but any time i would ask anything her answers were super short so i gave her her space and maneuvered through the construction on the worlds busiest freeway.


when we got to the place it looked wrong. it was like a small business office. and nowhere was the address we thought we wanted. so i called the guy. he sounded different. was it the same guy even? he gave us a hollywood address and said why are you in burbank? i didnt want to get her in trouble but she was the one who told me the wrong address from the original guy. we werent that far away. maybe 12 minutes away. we drove. i asked her some questions and she opened up. when my gps said we were 3 miles away i told her i was turning off the meter. that way bro wouldnt have to pay too much for the mistake. not that it probably mattered, but who knows.

on the way there she told me that she was from flagstaff and loved the woods but her heart is in “the LA lifestyle”. she told me she had never seen jay z play live because even though she loves him she prefers more intimate venues where she can connect with the artist. mama mia.

after i dropped her off, i immediately got beeped by four girls in short dresses who had just surprised the one in the passenger seat. it was her 23rd birthday. she was a year older than the others. they wanted to hear “EDM” even though they were singing along to “American Girl”. so i turned on Tiesto and they took selfies and instagrammed it and received snapchats on our way to beverly hills.

then i got the manager of one of those fancy 3rd street small plate restaurants and as we drove to his home in silver lake he told me pretty much everything about that scene and how much the critics love what theyre doing there. i shared with him that when etiennes brother came into town last month we drank there before eating at his competition and had a great time. he totally appreciated that. we also talked about lobster benedicts and how the ladies of that part of town shied away from it which is cray bc why wouldnt you wanna live it up on a sunny sunday in mid wilshire. with your gurls and yr bad self.

made a hundred bucks.