I’m at the first place I ever worked


McDonald’s in Santa Monica on Santa Monica.

I can’t believe I worked here 29 years ago. How is that possible?

Time flies so fast airplanes don’t even crash into the sea anymore they just zip right into the next dimension.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect $3.35 an hour.

Sometimes I’m really happy I’ve done so much in the 30 years I’ve been in Cali. Sometimes it’s hard to believe.

The Olympics was happening here when I worked here. The Cubs had a good team. Breakdancing was new.

I had a crush on this Mexican girl. I drove a Caddy. I thought for sure I was gonna be able to take her to see Bruce’s Born in the USA tour at the Sports Arena,

but this other kid we worked with broke down some French Fry boxes in the back and started breakdancing and you could just see it in her eyes.

He won. Fair and square.


So I just drove my grandmas caddy back to the beach, a loser.

Another day, another $2 an hour after taxes.

This place looks so much better now.

I’d hope so after three decades.

flowers asked me questions

20130930-010031.jpgDaisy: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

6th grade

Carnation: If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?


Jasmine: What color looks best on you?


foxglove:Name three facts about your family?

My mom was one of the first black female computer programers, My sister’s pool is as hot as the hot tub, My grandma had 6 german shepards

Allium:What’s the best thing you can cook?


Orange Blossom:If you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you?

Yes. If I had a daughter I’d be afraid I’d shoot all of her boyfriends. In the face.

Calla Lily:If you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral?

Tsar’s “I Don’t Wanna Break Up”

Poinsettia: Favorite holiday dish?

That silver platter that looks liek a fish

Oxlip: Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?

Thats’ for sucker MCs

Primrose:Favorite kind of soup?

Kanpai has a bad ass ramen after 10pm

Daffodil:What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received?

The truest got me an expensive camera.

Rose:Are you currently in love with someone?

My heart is a flower. It has many petals.

Amsonia:Would you ever become a vegan?

Sure, why not. But I would lust for bacon and McRibs. And sushi. And Jello

Peony:What’s your favorite hot beverage?


Tulip:For your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?

Birthday cake

Myrtle:Do you like going on airplanes?

Yes but I prefer to go in them.

Hibiscus:Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?

Sax, drums, and four string guitar.

Zinnia:Who was your best friend when you were six years old?

Bob Downing

Poppy:What color was your childhood home?

how to blog dogBrown with tan trim

Hydrangea:Starbucks order?


Violet:Do you like where you’re from?

What’s not to like?

Locust:What was your favorite book as a child?

The Lew Alcindor Story

Rhododendron:What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had?

I have a recurring dream that I am running from something and I end up in a house that isn’t mine and I can’t get out and the owners of the house are saying who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing here.

Queen Anne’s Lace:Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?

Rap is an artform

Magnolia:Favorite kind of candy?


Aster:Would you rather be cold or hot?

Hot hot

Marigold:Do you listen to what’s on the radio?

Constantly. Especially Howard 100

Heliconia:Do you like when it rains?

Sure, because that’s God saying wait till you see what Wrigley Field is gonna look like soon.

Azalea:What’s a movie you cried while watching?

80 percent of them

Dandelion:Do you think you’re important?

I don’t think the NSA does, but I know the IRS does.

couldnt figure out why my hands were hurting and then i got behind the wheel

the crest

who knew working day and night would wear out the thing youre moving around all the time.

so i told myself i was just going to drive for a little while and see if i could get a few rides and end up in hollywood.

first guy wanted to go from the grove to chateau marmont. no problem.

even though the city parking patrol was trying to block the main entrance because of a Glee 100th episode party

whatevs. next guy needed to go to westwood for the Divergence premiere.

his wife played a major role in making it happen, so we talked through west hollywood, and beverly hills

he was running a tad late so i was driving a tad faster and everything worked out.

even cut through this side street in westwood to end up perfectly where i wanted.

what was funny was as soon as i had picked him up he said, “westwood, going to the movie theatre.”

i was all, oh Divergent?

he was like how did you know? i said, i saw them setting up the premiere stuff on Yahoo Movies’ instagram.


thumbs up for rock n roll

9 out of 10 times when i ask people if theres any particular music i can play for them they say nah whatever you want

but when i asked these two cute girls, one said “play some ratchet shit.”

the other asked, “is this country?”

it was the rolling stones’ “wild horses”. i explained that mick’s girlfriend killed herself yesterday.

there was a moment of silence and i asked

so when you say ratchet, what are you referring to?

she said, “you know 2 chainz, lil wayne…” so 2 chainz it was, and now i feel like asking for ratchet shit from now on too.

theres a lot more gay guys in LA than i ever imagined. i guess we just run in different circles.

but with uber a lot of the gentlemen like to use our service.

right after i dropped off the ladies i got two very handsome, well dressed gents, one who seemed distressed.

“youre better off without him.” said the older one, rubbing the head of the younger one and kissing his neck

“he’s 40 years old,” sighed the younger.

“what is that supposed to mean?” asked the elder, suddenly stopping with the nuzzling.

“it means he should know better than snooping around my phone. OF COURSE there’s going to be photos of naked guys in there.”

Screen Shot 2014-03-18 at 11.21.01 PM

dropped the fellas off and quickly i got a beep from a west LA residence. picked up two young women. one claimed she was 16.

“ok, where are we going tonight, ladies?”

“AA!” they sang.

apparently one had gone a year being sober, the other a month. both young, free spirited and more than happy to tell me anything i wanted to hear about recovery rehab and the thoughts that went through their minds as they sat through meetings.

“ok someones gotta make coffee, right,” one of the women said. “sometimes i think, i should sneak some liquid acid in here one day and dump a bunch into the coffee and watch everyone freak out.”

“oh yeah, i think about partying with these people all the time,” the other one admitted.

i asked, “is it ok to fantasize about drinking and smoking and tripping with people who have sworn off that life?”

“it would be weird not to think about partying,” one said and the other agreed.

the younger one told me she grew up in a beautiful beach town in orange county but behind the sunsets and big houses there was nothing to do and the people were horrible, so many of the kids resorted to drinking at a very young age and doing drugs. then when her family moved to hollywood she was ridiculed at Fairfax High for having orange hair.

tumblr_mg5xzfcYCP1qz6f4bo1_500“they would sing the Oompa Loompa song as i walked down the hall” she said quietly. then showed me a photo of her hair back then. she was adorable.

you shoulda burned down that school, i told her.

dropped them off and there was already a line outside the santa monica church even though the meeting wasnt to start for 20 minutes.

“we’ll never get a chair now,” they complained, but whatever. for the older one it was her second meeting of the day. she said she loved them.

got beeped by the beach and it was two girls who wanted a short ride over to the 3rd street promenade to pick up their car. Zeppelin was on the radio. they asked me to turn it up as they sang along.

when the guitar solo kicked in one sang the notes and complained that there were no guitar solos like that any more. “not even the Black Keys” she said.

“what about the White Stripes?” i asked. and we agreed.

then the one asked the other if she saw how one of the guys from the apartment they were just in grabbed her butt.

“i know they were on molly, But Still!”

then picked up two visitors from Oklahoma near the santa monica pier. super sweet stoner youngsters who told me that where they live the tornadoes demolish the entire street every three years and for some reason they rebuild.

then they told me that they come to LA a few times a year. the last time they went to venice beach and told the weed doctor they had just moved here but were living in a hotel. they showed him a passport and for $200 they were given a weed card for their bad back.

we took the 10 to the 110 to the 101 and basically turned off where i exit to go home. we drove a little down sunset and they showed me the condo they were renting for the week. i alerted them that they were in walking distance of Palms Thai and they said thank you.

earlier i had recommended that they go to Sedona on their way back to Oklahoma.

they drove out here in 24 hours of straight driving.

“i didnt even sleep,” the other guy told me. “i forgot to bring a blanket or a pillow.”

there are many Targets and Walmarts between here and there, i reminded them. Stop at one!

since i was so close to home and had already made close to 100 bucks in record time i decided to call it a night and rest my hands and arms.

made dinner, watched welch on tv and passed out by midnight like a respectable gentleman.