nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, March 26, 2014
  2. pretty sure i got two guys from uber in my car tonight 


    they were headed to the airport and they new of some new features that they said their friends hooked them up with

    embarrassingly my trunk had a bunch of water in it – bottled water.

    all i wanted to do was get a few bucks by driving home after work, but the first couple wanted to go to a fancy dinner

    and the second guy wanted to go to venice.

    next thing you know im on the westside and hungry. so i went to my favorite jack in the box on santa monica

    and just as i am heading into the drive thru i get beeped to go to this house about 5 blocks away.

    was these guys who loved my car. they said they sit in the back of priuses a lot. and loved my car best.

    maybe they test out drivers. who knows. i made a wrong turn.

    coulda been worse


    yesterday i was in pasadena getting an ultra sound to see if my wonky kidney is pregnant

    and when it was over i said, lets see if i can get a ride back to hollywood.

    so i flipped on the uber and this rich girl wanted a ride to burbank airport.

    that was a quick $25. but a bit awkward bc she didnt wanna talk.

    if i was flying back east on a red eye into the cold and snow id be mighty bummed too.

    both last night and tonight i called it quits early so as to rest my hands.

    watched a video of these dudes jumping off the top of the world trade center

    thought it was rude.


  3. Tuesday, March 25, 2014

    13 questions with jessica thompson 


    1. you live in one of the few places in the world where marijuana is legal. does this inspire you in any way to partake in its healing powers?

    Yep. I’m more of a one or two hits kind of person and generally prefer sativa-heavy strains. I find it’s great at healing menstrual cramps and fibromyalgia symptoms as well as opening my mind when it gets stuck on one-track thinking, cheesy as that sounds.

    I don’t smoke large quantities because it often gives me anxiety in social situations and interferes with my ability to write when I’m alone. You’ll probably laugh, but I haven’t bought weed here yet because I’m still smoking the stuff I brought with me from Illinois last summer–that’s how small of an amount I smoke.

    2. what is the scene in colorado with this new found freedom: are there more weed stores than starbucks?

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure there are. I know different counties have different rules, but here in Denver I see the green cross more than I see the green lady.

    3. are little kids riding their big wheels with Blunts sticking out of the corner of their sweet little faces?

    No, but I did recently see a teen or early 20-something smoking a joint while riding his skateboard. He yelled, “Do you want to hit this?” and I thought it was a catcall, but it turned out he was just offering me some weed.

    I declined. I am terrified of smoking strangers’ weed here because some of it is way too strong for me or else mixed with one of these new, novelty things I like to call “the crack of weed”–shatter, crumble, wax, etc.–all things I can’t handle well.

    unnamed-14. can you smell the aroma of mother nature everywhere you walk?

    Yep, you can smell marijuana pretty much everywhere. Then again, I lived in the Logan Square neighborhood of Chicago before moving out here and I could smell marijuana everywhere I walked there, too.

    5. compare the men of colorado with the men of elgin

    There really, truly is a big difference between Colorado men and Chicago/Elgin men. That surprised me big time.

    PHYSICAL FITNESS: Almost none of the Colorado men are overweight. Even the “healthy” men in Chicago look unhealthy compared to a lot of these guys–they’re puffier in the face and have less lustrous skin. I’ve tried to figure out why and I think it is because in Chicago even the healthy men eat more carbs, drink more beer, spend less time in the sun, and force exercise upon themselves as a chore rather than something to enjoy (vs. Colorado men who are into skiing, snowboarding, hiking, mountain climbing, etc.).

    MOOD/ATTITUDE: I thought the Midwest was known for politeness, but Denver dudes are just generally nicer. More likely to smile to people on the street or make conversation with a stranger on the bus in a friendly, unassuming, non-creepy way. There seems to be less depression as well, probably because of the increased sunshine and exercise. They also seem way less self-conscious and more straight-forward. I’ve dealt with some weird people here, but on a whole I’d say Chicago dudes are more likely to require an exhausting effort to “figure them out” that Denver dudes do not.

    LIFESTYLE: I’ve joked that all the dudes in Denver do yoga, own dogs, and drive trucks. It’s pretty much true. These dudes love their dogs and have no embarrassment over stretching on a yoga mat at home or going to a class. Most of them are widely travelled, too, or else have plans to move abroad or buy a truck or van and take an extended road trip.

    SPORTS: Everyone in Denver loves the Broncos. In Chicago there are subsets of the population who are not into sports. I haven’t seen that here. Even the punk rockers and huge pot heads and nature-worshipping hippies are going to watch the Broncos game.

    6. read any good books lately?

    I recently read everything Jennifer Egan has ever written, in the order she wrote it, ending with A Visit from the Goon Squad. I relate to her and hope my career path takes a similar trajectory.

    7. what are your regrets of abandoning the windy city?
    No regrets yet. Maybe I could’ve eaten at Hot Doug’s a few more times, but I will next time I visit.

    8. do coloradans consider themselves midwesterners?
    No, not at all. There is sort of a western/frontier attitude.

    large-msg-1133156509-2 9. how are you faring with the high altitude?
    I’m doing well. The first week or so I had some headaches and difficulty breathing, but now I feel better than ever. As someone who deals with migraines, I believe this dry weather is much better for my headaches than the humidity of Chicagoland.

    Two other altitude issues: 1) It’s true that it makes your alcohol tolerance way lower, 2) for the first couple of months I couldn’t run more than a block or two without becoming winded and needing to walk.

    The only thing I don’t like about the altitude is something people rarely mention–boogers. Everyone here gets boogers all the time and blows their nose way more often and it’s sort of gross.

    10. many moons ago you erin my friend bob and i went dancing. what jam
    really makes you get down these days?

    Drunk in Love and Bound 2. Hm. I hadn’t realized it, but apparently I’m into celebrity power couple songs at the moment.

    11. hillary clinton will probably be our next president. explain why
    this is probably a bad thing.

    She will? Is that true? I’m pretty out of touch. I’m also pretty disillusioned with the federal government in general and would answer this question the same regardless of which name you put in that blank. Whoever is elected will be bad because they will continue to drone-bomb innocent people in other countries and erode our civil rights through the NSA.

    12. if you had a tv, what would you probably watch the most on it?

    Probably all the shows people tweet about so I could understand what’s going on–Girls, House of Cards, True Detective. I’m so out of touch I don’t know what any of those are about really, but people I admire seem to love them so I’d give them a chance.

    13. when you look back at all of your years blogging, what is your favorite post

    Is it a cop out to say that at this point in my life I’m not really looking back at things? I’m actually starting a new blog. It’s not up and running yet, but I bought jessicathompsonwrites.com and I have ~30 post ideas scratched into a notebook waiting to be typed and polished.

  4. gwar isnt supposed to die 

    theyre from prehistoric times.

    they live in antartica.

    your singer isnt supposed to die at 50 years old.

    one minute youre at the AV Club covering Kansas

    next minute youre being talked about as if youre dead.

    because youre dead.

    one of the best rock memories i have is going to see gwar with several of my friends

    including the fresh faced redhead isla vista sweetheart kelly green

    she knew what was up, so she wore a plain white tshirt to the show

    and afterwards we were all sitting around a big round table in

    the dennys in sherman oaks and all american kelly had blood all in her hair

    splattered on her shirt

    and smeared across her freckled face.

    i bet gwar is now in heaven, just so God can make people wonder if theyre really in heaven

  5. Monday, March 24, 2014

    30 years ago today the most epic high school detention went down 

    shermer high

    Saturday, March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062.

    Dear Mr. Vernon… We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong.

    But we think you’re crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care?

    You see us as you want to see us… in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions.

    You see us as a brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Correct?

    That’s the way we saw each other at seven o’clock this morning.

    We were brainwashed…

    the breakfast club

  6. Sunday, March 23, 2014
  7. i loved every single one of my passengers today 


    even the white guy + chinese lady who were so funny and then quickly broke into a little fight

    and the dude started speaking chinese to calm her down.

    he screwed up by saying, and my cantonese is rusty so i could be wrong, but i think he said

    “im going to complain about the generic videos [at the karaoke place we are going to]

    “if they start a fight and start beating you up, i will not fight them, for they are korean

    “and i would never fight a korean.”

    it was very bizarre.

    they were seriously snuggled up next to each other for the first 5 minutes of our trip

    and something clicked ( or unclicked)

    and  boom pow: dram-uh.


    loved cactus taco tonight where this tall black dude really wanted to cut in line so he told the crowd he’d pay

    for all of their tacos just to speed everything up. and he would get his tacos last.

    people were confused and they yelled at him and he yelled back in such a way i was poised for fisticufs.

    but we left because we are lovers


    if only mcdonalds had a salad bar id be there every damn night

    eating ice cream.


    went to a mansion but the tree trimmers were taking up the entire windy driveway

    so at one point i had to drive backwards while curving

    all while looking at the dashboard rearview mirror camera

    i now feel like i can pass any test.


    i really need to learn more about people who sit in front. even the GQ guy said it was weird.

    first front seater was this amazing black dude who i was picking up at a restaurant where he was at a gathering

    but then had to leave because he was going on quickie date #1

    before going to real date #2.

    he called #1 an interview situation and i was there to take them both on their quickie

    the destination was this bar that ali and many others like but the woman was not at all pleased with the choice

    even before getting there, even though she’d never been there, even though i was playing Prince.

    bro wasnt really dressed up though, and his cologne wasnt helping, and he needed to bring it down a notch.

    he was smart to have a backup date.


    took me all day to realize what this is.

    i have a college degree?


    ended up in the middle of a place i didnt really wanna be.

    when i heard the address i showed it to the lovely woman and i said you wanna go there?


    she was all, yeah and then i plugged it into the car to see if the car was gonna say are you nuts fool?

    but the car is against me. who knows why. everyone compliments it. i take such good care of it.

    cuz  you know what, sometimes nothing makes any sense at all.

    some call it art.


    took these bros to venice. one of them was mighty drunk and was funny. he was on a roll that lasted the whole ride.

    one of his buddies told me that the imperial palace in vegas is no more, that they put The Quad there now

    the same people that brought us Caesar Palace


    drove into this gated community and saw all these houses that look exactly like the houses in my old neighborhood in illinois

    it was like being in a dream where some of your memories get merged with the right now

    but because dreams are massive rip offs no one ever hands you a photo so you could investigate it further

    and here i can see palm trees instead of actual trees and the skinniest side walks

    and where are the bushes?


    best conversation went to this freelancer from british columbia who just got her us green card after ten years

    now she can follow her dreams and not be burdened to one job or do paperwork all the time to stay here

    its nice people wanna stay here, especially when theyre from beautiful canada.

    she asked me a bunch of questions about blogging.

    we talked about the long lost, anorexism

    aka flagrant disregard

    who i know isnt dead because i see some monkey business going on with her site

    so thats good.


    spoke with a man who drives from here to his vacation home in ensenada mexico

    near Lobster Village

    and he tells me his Prius can do it in less than one tank of gas


    this beautiful girl was on the phone the whole time, when the ride was over she handed me two dollars stayed on the phone

    and said omg and another thing, uber is so amazing.

    later this super hot white sox fan gave me a hard time and when i dropped off her friend and her

    she said Go Cubs. and i looked at her and she said

    not really.


    then this other young woman had the injected lips and either pushed up boobs or fake

    sat next to me, for some reason, touched up her makeup all the way to the bar

    and the entire way just became nicer and nicer and it turns out she helps drug addicts

    and alcoholics get it together.

    i wanted to hug her.


    these took two gay guys  on wilshire asked me if i knew how to get to the kfc on western

    i said the super beautiful one a little north of here?

    they said yeah and i was starving but i kept it together as we got them a 14 piece

    and all these sides via the drive through and then i took them home.

    weirdly enough i took home a group many hours later and we dropped the burmese girl

    at the same apartment.



    the last trip of the day involved taking these three very funny young folk

    from a very late night taco stand to their home over the hill.

    we talked about veganism and bacon and ratchet music

    got home at 3:30am. fed the cat, said my prayers


  8. Saturday, March 22, 2014

    im not going to be the person im expected to be any more 

    my new friend from suadipicked up a nice saudi guy after work yesterday minutes after i turned on my phone.

    most of the time when i ask what sort of music they want they say whatever, bro asked for “old school hip hop”.

    to me, old school hip hop is run dmc, ll, beastie boys, and maybe the sugar hill gang.

    its like saying “old school rock”. that could be something spanning three decades.

    eventually i got him to request 2pac. ironically right where we Biggie had been shot (fairfax/wilshire).

    as we drove through beverly hills to westwood he told me about what it was like being muslim over there, what its like to enjoy the freedoms over here

    and most importantly: what is it like trying to throw a house party when your parents are out of town.

    we agreed that politicians and leaders try to make us hate each other

    but in reality no matter where we are from we want to party, get down, and make out with girls as ice cube is yelling about something or another.

    we traded verses of the koran and the bible with each other and compared how the conservative branches of our religions twisted some of the most peaceful and loving portions of the holy texts into the exact opposites.

    i felt as if i had met a long lost brother.

    later a chinese student and i talked about pollution, chinese food, and how on earth are the girls in LA so beautiful.

    he said hot maybe 20 times.

    he had been here three months and was returning to our soon to be overlords.

    couldnt have been a nicer guy. he didnt care what music i was listening to. so i kept it on death metal.

    he said he heard the weather would be good here but he never expected it to be this good.

    he also told me that he really respected bill gates because of all the philanthropy he has been doing.

    “you can not take the money with you to heaven”, he said.

    later i picked up a frat boy who was trying to figure out how he could boot some people out of his coachella condo to make room for hot girls that he was allowing to stay for free and “not so hot girls” who he was going to be charging $300.

    he told me he was having a moral struggle with it because back when he first put money down on the place these original people had laid out their money when his frat brothers werent interested.

    now he wants to fill it with these late to the game frat dudes and chicks and i was all, charge all of the latecomers $100 each to sleep in sleeping bags: never cancel on people.

    but that seemed to hit a dead space. over there.

    he sat next to me for some reason.

  9. did you know theres valet at the baskin robbins in silver lake 


    nothing in here is true. thats how rumors get started. this is sass rocking the napcore stylz.

    she asked to see what i was doing for brunch and i realized that the reason canadians love brunch so much

    is because theres an unnecessary u in there.

    we sat inbetween a bunch of people on the patio who thought it was cute to bring their little dogs along.

    im sorry but i love dogs however the last time i checked this wasnt paris.

    i dont see kanye up in this piece, leave yr dogs at home.

    all they get to do is walk around under your table, smell, and wish they were back home


    sass gave me a sticker and i realized i probably need stickers for a variety of reasons besides the fact that ppl should have stickers

    this guy has a great sticker. whoever he is. i want stickers of all my friends. id stick a todd francis over here

    a ben sullivan over there. a couple jeanine natalies under there.

    it could be a thing. faces of people all everywhere.

    that would give the under table dogs something to look at.


    had the Devil’s Mess: three scrambled eggs with turkey sausage.

    because its silver lake not only was everything organic and local, but it was so sustainable that

    you only got to eat them right after they gave birth to their replacements.

    the egg yolks came from discarded mcdonald yolks from their egg white mcmuffins.

    next time i need to remember to ask for no onions because it was fantastic.

    sass invited me to go to kung fu with her but im a pacifist.

  10. Friday, March 21, 2014