busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 30, 2014

    went to the Book of Mormon last night 

    book of mormon

    when i was at coachella i met a lovely young lady named daria from the los angeles times and we were all omg i havent seen the book of mormon either

    so we said we would go before it ends its run and because she’s super committed to doing what she says shes gonna do

    even if she is making plans while sipping on a moscow mule in the vip tent in the desert, we ended up on hollywood n vine last night

    super good musical, which for some reason i didnt know was a musical, but south park, duh, they love to sing

    and it was very funny.

    i have an odd rule about comedy: i shy away from religious jokes.

    i just think theyre too easy because religion is based on faith and for the most time we have no good reason to believe things we cant prove

    which is why it’s called faith.

    and i think peoples religions are a very personal, unique, magical, beautiful thing that should be respected no matter what they believe in.

    the musical reminded me of a lot of things, particularly something i had totally forgotten:

    about when I was regularly visited by these two Mormon elders when I was in Isla Vista

    Jeanine hated that I would talk with them and I would read the Mormon bible with them

    and we got a long so well.

    here she had her first real boyfriend who she was living with and it looked like he was gonna turn Latter Day on her ass.

    the elders and I hit a fork in the road when they invited me to be baptized.

    i said i was baptized when i was a little kid, at this beautiful church in Washingon DC

    they said nah that doesnt count

    i asked Jesus was there wasnt he?

    they said, um well yeah he was but hmmmm well

    i said, no if Jesus was there all was good, sorry bros i gotta now go have sex with my hot gf.

    i still have that bible. cuz they were nice dudes and it was interesting.

    the play was amazing. i dont think ive been to a real live play like that since i was a kid.

    i doubt i’ll wait 87 years to see my next one.

  2. Tuesday, April 29, 2014

    today donald sterling got banned for life from the nba for saying racist things 

    donald sterling with mistress

    because life is amazing and karma can be (close to) instant, heres how it went down.

    Sterling was pretty racist during most of his financially successful life.

    but because people are complex, he fell in lust with a half mexican half black 20something

    and started cheating on his wife of 50 years

    because as Chris Rock says, men are only as loyal as their options

    and apparently when youre rich or handsome you have lots of options.

    since Sterling is both, he can pull any woman in LA.

    unfortunately for him he wound up with someone who didnt appreciate being sued by his wife for $1.8 million

    maybe because she does not have $1.8 million, but she does have access to the Record app on her iPhone

    and she knew how to get her sugar daddy to talk and talk and talk.

    i wonder how she got him to do that. maybe it was the outfit she was pouring him the juice in?

    anyways the chain of events of Wife sues Mistress, Mistress releases Tape of Sugar Daddy

    to Sugar Daddy gets banned from NBA for ever-ever

    was quicker than anyone expected for a few reasons

    1. Sterling was unliked

    2. The evidence of the racism was clear

    3. It involved a beloved black NBA star who has been living beautifully with a deadly disease

    4. It spread through the Internet from a source that isn’t burdened by office politics: T Em Zed

    We are through the looking glass people.

    From now on I will only kiss my mistress and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

  3. Monday, April 28, 2014

    i read about a DJ who died today of bad health who was younger than me 

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    so i took the elevator downstair, past the women who came to see the DVF exhibit in their DVF wrap dresses

    and i walked to the salad joint to get a salad cuz im unhealthy and old and stupid and dumb

    and i have $11 burning a hole in my pocket

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    some people just buy sliced and cut fruit from the fruit amigo but i like to eat my vegetables and drink my fruits

    even though thats probably against the skinny girl cocktail way of life which is typical

    eat my shorts

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    when i win the lottery im just gonna eat mail order steak anyways and die in a digusting heap

    next to my Miró fountain of ginger ale

    a real artist, btw would only work with corn syrup, btw, fwiw, lol, brb, kthnxbi

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    theres two paths you can go down in life, my lifecoach Pierre told me,

    you can be mediocre

    or be fabulously mediocre and advertise.

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    which means for me paying an extra buck for extra avocado

    and winking at the girl for free eggs

    the Coke is only there for color.

  4. Sunday, April 27, 2014

    today is etienne’s birthday, she’s 30 

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    which means we now have to break up.

    jk she doesn’t even know I exist.

    jk I got a note from the xbi that she got a very interesting role in the new Godzilla movie

    Apparently they were filming in Chile and they needed a very flexible person to climb into the monster suit and stomp around the set for hours and hours

    Like Johnny Bravo she fit the suit and if everything goes right with her visa she might make a quickie surprise visit to the premiere of the movie in NYC

    Lucky you, NYC. Ripoff for everyone else.

    Etienne is currently in Santiago writing screenplays, eating crazy foods and breaking hearts.

    Her dog Uva is doing well in the desert chasing horses and protecting the homestead.

    Meanwhile her adopted city of LA misses her mucho and wishes her the best on this very especial day.

  5. this is gonna be gross 

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    yesterday after work I ubered a little and came home early made dinner turned on the shower because I was wheezing and blowing my nose and since I was a lad the steam from the shower cleared things up nice.

    I had just eaten a ding dong.

    And just like that it was being projectiled across my bathroom towards and mostly in the toilet.

    Mostly is never great when vomit is involved.

    Got involved with vomit a bunch last night and this morning.

    Then I took a nap.

    Then I laid in bed thinking of you.

    Then just noticed as my body slowly healed itself in one day. One full day.

    My legs are sore from not leaving the bed but my insides are free of phlem, I haven’t sneezed blown my nose or coughed since the sun went down.

    Modern miracle.

    When I woke up this morning I thought is be sick for 10 days. But now I’m going to climb a mountain and fight a bear and steal a fish from his grasp and eat it infront of him I feel so good.

    God did this.

    I’m old. I’ve been sick before. I never believed this was a cold. It was allergies that somehow got out of control. But then God put his foot down.

    I missed so much today. There was a nexus reunion. Dylan’s bday party. Bree invited me to a rock show. And black sabbath played the bowl.

    I didn’t go. I watched tv. I felt the crazy miracle.

    I made a big salad.

    Then, beefaroni.

  6. Friday, April 25, 2014
  7. such a strange 24 hours 

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    was sick then wasn’t sick then felt like barfing then headaches then nothing. Then good.

    For some reason after work I felt good enough to uber. So I did. And I was busy non stop.

    Picked up a girl who thought aloud if she should stop by the weed store. I asked it’s 9pm doesn’t it close soon?

    She said oh honey mines is open till 3am. Then she told me about a 24 hour place that delivers.

    Then I picked up a model who was a self proclaimed bitch. We talked about rom cons and the NBA. She was damn near an expert. Typed on her phone while analyzing the warriors and Knicks.

    Drove until the end of the clippers game. Saw the very end. Felt good and that made me super happy.

    You know what cured me this 24 hours of allergies: one benedryl.

    Cubs lost.

    Had a shrimp burrito for lunch.

  8. Thursday, April 24, 2014

    today i still dont have my laptop. it’s broke. im probably to blame 

    bears schedule

    i got a cheap chinese power adapter to replace my worn out one that was broken because the cord was getting exposed from use.

    the computer is now in the capable hands of Solomon from Tsar

    he didnt seem very happy about fixing it, but he never does, and when he does he gives it great care.

    but he lives far away from me now and has kids and a wife and dogs and goats and a pig called piggy that he has to wash and read to

    so when i said where can i drop it off he said give it to Ben and Ben will give it to me because they work together at nasa.

    secretly. (shhhhh.)

    so yesterday i was all screw this these are my friends i dont wanna burdon them, im made outta money lemm just go to the apple store

    but solomon has a password to the chip in my head and he saw what i was up to and im sure he wanted to insert more spyware into my macbook

    so Ben texted me and said yo imma be home at 8 dont be late so we met and all was well and hopefully now jeff is making it better

    when i asked Ben if i was pissing solomon off, he said, well he does manage people who manage people who manage people who do this now

    but then he said, but it’s good for jeff to remember where he came from.

    which is why ben should run for mayor of LA one day

    (i should hook him up with my hot neighbor.)

  9. Wednesday, April 23, 2014

    today is Wrigley Field’s birthday, it’s 100 

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    when I first was taken there it was love at first sight

    There were no lights.

    There were more versions of green than Eskimos have for snow.

    Even though I was but a lad, I was offered a beer.

    By a man carrying two cases of ice cold Old Style by a leather strap over his shoulders.

    A sole organ provided the musical accompaniment.

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    If your mom gave you $10 you could get a bleacher seat for $3, a beer for $5 and a hot dog for $2

    All the games were on free tv, WGN, channel 9.

    Nowadays everything’s different.

    But somehow no matter all the creative ways that everyone’s tried to ruin it, the magic and spirit and soul remains in that very unique park.

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    Happy birthday, Wrigley Field,

    The last great ball park where the games would have to stop when the sun went down.

    May the sun forever find it’s way on your ivy.