nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, May 31, 2014

    ive been there over 100 times yet im still figuring it out 

    ali and chris

    i was having a great night ubering when i got a call from ali who said she was having sushi dreams and where was i

    i said i was in south gate. she said wheres south gate i said its between huntington park and lynwood

    she said what are you doing there?

    i said, this super cool family in redondo beach knows this great mexican restaurant out there so they ubered me to take em

    and it really does look great.

    she said, you know what would look great: sushi in my belly.

    and somehow i stopped working and sped down the 105 west and was mildly disappointed when i didnt see my man peter there

    peter knows whats good whats super fresh whats rare and whats entirely fictional

    then he puts it on the table and then it gets shoved down my face.

    but without him i was voted the person who should order and i did pretty good on most things

    mystery thing

    and not good at all on other things: example a: the mythical mystery conch

    resting on a bed of columbian cocaine, this legendary delight has sauces and textures that will make your dreams turn to 3D

    just make sure not to eat the cocaine, it’s decoration, and super expensive, and terribly addicting

    and they kill you if you even look at it too long

    crazy fish

    next was this mackerel who talks to you as you eat it.

    try the tail first, he says

    now the sushi part, be generous with the sauce

    it was creepy and annoying but in a way it was his last meal too

    bones and all

    afterwards they deep fry the bones and you eat them like potato chips.

    good times were had by all and we decided we need to call ahead next time to make sure peters there

    because even though i did pretty good with the salmon albacore lobster rolls and blue fin hand rolls

    the talking fish with dirty jokes was not really what i was expecting.

    so if you order it, eat it first.

  2. Friday, May 30, 2014

    behold the only photo of aj and i on the air on kcsb in santa barbara 

    aj and me on the air of kcsb in santa barbara

    aj had a metal show on like wednesdays at 9pm called the speed of sound

    so naturally i was in love with her.

    i had a new music show on at 6am on thursdays called good morning goleta

    marys danishi opened each show with a bible reading followed by a led zeppelin tune

    because it was 6am who the hell was up in isla vista?

    sometimes i would co-host the speed of sound with her because her show was in safe harbor

    meaning we could play records with dirty words in em

    and we had a funny little routine where id say something and shed make fun of me.

    or she would run to the bathroom and id throw on some gangsta rap

    (which had just begun as the years were 89-91.)

    and she’d come back and yell at me.

    it was the sort of radio youd have a hard time turning off because

    a) aj had the perfect voice and taste for heavy metal radio

    b) who knew what i was gonna do, certainly not me

    c) we could play songs that no one else on the air could because they were worried about commercials

    one day a band called Mary’s Danish, who both of us loved, was scheduled to play right outside in Storke Plaza

    somehow the schedule was shifted around so that aj and i could live broadcast the gig

    first marys danish came in and we interviewed them

    (to great success bc they were so nice, into it, and we knew their music really well)

    and then they went outside and started rocking to a huge crowd.

    it was a great day and this photo was taken right before marys danish came in to talk with us.

    today is the first day ive seen this picture.

    either aj is really sleepy or she was in love with me back.

  3. Thursday, May 29, 2014

    over the years ive written so much about isla vista 

    paddle out

    it’s a magical place with so much more to offer than the sex drugs and rock n roll

    not that theres anything wrong with those things.

    yesterday the students, who are mourning in a bigger way than i remember they did in 2001, held a paddle out

    ucsb paddle out

    two days after they filled harder stadium.

    ive always been proud to be a Gaucho.

    we are uniquely unique from most colleges, and not just because of the geography

    but sometimes, like yesterday, it all comes together beautifully.

  4. Wednesday, May 28, 2014

    some ppl type about bukowski like they know him 

    bukowskithey pretend theyve read him.

    likewise they think they know the first thing about this 22 year old virgin

    living in isla vista.

    i can imagine being on the moon

    but i have no clue what it would be like to be 22 and never had even held hands with a girl

    i was a 21 year old virgin in isla vista many moons ago.

    long before instagram and facebook and twitter and youtube.

    i cant imagine what weird ideas i would have had about my classmates if that was shoved in my face

    but id not only kissed a girl or two before that, but had love.

    still, i dont know the first thing about that stupid sad murderer who is now dead

    and good riddance.

    anyways, for some reason when you mention bukowski to some people all they remember is when he kicked his adorable wife Linda in that doc.

    i flinched too when i saw it at first.

    we forget that the drunken fool, the guy who rarely refused barfights (in his tales), could turn on the woman who loved him the most. on camera. for a brief moment in time.

    we forget that people are complicated.

    we try to pretend that we aren’t.

    heres my favorite bukowski poem


    there’s a bluebird in my heart that
    wants to get out
    but I’m too tough for him,
    I say, stay in there, I’m not going
    to let anybody see
    there’s a bluebird in my heart that
    wants to get out
    but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
    cigarette smoke
    and the ****s and the bartenders
    and the grocery clerks
    never know that
    in there.

    there’s a bluebird in my heart that
    wants to get out
    but I’m too tough for him,
    I say,
    stay down, do you want to mess
    me up?
    you want to screw up the
    you want to blow my book sales in
    there’s a bluebird in my heart that
    wants to get out
    but I’m too clever, I only let him out
    at night sometimes
    when everybody’s asleep.
    I say, I know that you’re there,
    so don’t be
    then I put him back,
    but he’s singing a little
    in there, I haven’t quite let him
    and we sleep together like
    with our
    secret pact
    and it’s nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don’t
    weep, do

  5. ive missed the haters 


    I’m living in that 21st Century, doing something weird to it
    Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it
    Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it
    I guess every superhero need his theme music

    i admit it.

    they’re so scared to put their full names on things, it’s cute.

    they believe the xbi is real and the people’s blogs that they write their nonsense will track them down and… i dont know, write ridiculous things on their amazing site?

    there was a time when the web was different. when the blogosphere ruled like the dinosaurs did.

    but then there was a meteor and the ice age and most people abandoned their blogs for social media.

    strangers don’t write silly things on other people’s facebook walls. maybe in tweets, but jackasses have so few twitter followers it wouldn’t be seen.

    ive missed the haters, they remind me im better than some.

    thats a priceless commodity that some pay hookers for.

    when you blog correctly it comes free.

  6. Tuesday, May 27, 2014
  7. Monday, May 26, 2014

    xbi was all we gotta get you out of LA for a day 


    i was like 1) i dont even work for you any more and 2) knock knock there was a knock on my door

    and your bff ali was at the door wearing daisy dukes holding a picnic basket saying

    we gotta get you out of LA for a day

    and before the sun set i was in a place i aint never been a’fore: mt. st. helens washington


    i mean little big horn, montana.

    i was all ali isn’t montana like way far away? i feel like we only drove for an hour an a half.

    she was like shhhh just go with it. why you always gotta be so literal.

    the long cross country drive made me thirsty so we went into the local establishment

    Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneer Town Palace.

    because of the holiday and our lack of plans the woman up front told us there would be a two hour wait for a table

    but if somehow we could find a barstool we could eat at the bar

    that sounded like a fun game so we went to the bar and

    wait a durn second

    is that

    could it be


    no not the rack of ribs just bbq’ing over the open fire

    smelling delicious and looking amazing



    no way




    are my eyes deceiving me?

    victoria williams who wrote such songs as This Moment, Love, Shoes, TC, You Are Loved, Big Fish, Lights, Crazy Mary

    played none of those as far as i heard, but it was still fantastic,

    heres a lil taste of the night, i believe this is Sweet Virginia from some brit poppers:

    did i mention it was free?




    afterwards we wanted to go fishing or play a bassoon but no  one was around to help


    but we did meet two flamboyant young gentlemen who loved us so much they bought us a couple of shots

    that was nice.

    as per mr ken laynes recommendation i ordered the catfish poboy and a side of mac n cheese

    young ali ordered the tacos

    we each had a mason jar of the Corvette Summer which sounded better than it tasted

    but whateves it did the job and before we knew it the jetpacks flew us over to palm springs where we woke up

    and ate at the ace hotel diner


    heres a few things you should know about me: i always try to stay as positive as possible


    i love taking pictures of people


    i hate having pictures taken of me


    and if green eggs and ham are on the menu im gonna order some damn green eggs and ham.

    happy memorial day america.

    tell your momma you love her.