ive been there over 100 times yet im still figuring it out

ali and chris

i was having a great night ubering when i got a call from ali who said she was having sushi dreams and where was i

i said i was in south gate. she said wheres south gate i said its between huntington park and lynwood

she said what are you doing there?

i said, this super cool family in redondo beach knows this great mexican restaurant out there so they ubered me to take em

and it really does look great.

she said, you know what would look great: sushi in my belly.

and somehow i stopped working and sped down the 105 west and was mildly disappointed when i didnt see my man peter there

peter knows whats good whats super fresh whats rare and whats entirely fictional

then he puts it on the table and then it gets shoved down my face.

but without him i was voted the person who should order and i did pretty good on most things

mystery thing

and not good at all on other things: example a: the mythical mystery conch

resting on a bed of columbian cocaine, this legendary delight has sauces and textures that will make your dreams turn to 3D

just make sure not to eat the cocaine, it’s decoration, and super expensive, and terribly addicting

and they kill you if you even look at it too long

crazy fish

next was this mackerel who talks to you as you eat it.

try the tail first, he says

now the sushi part, be generous with the sauce

it was creepy and annoying but in a way it was his last meal too

bones and all

afterwards they deep fry the bones and you eat them like potato chips.

good times were had by all and we decided we need to call ahead next time to make sure peters there

because even though i did pretty good with the salmon albacore lobster rolls and blue fin hand rolls

the talking fish with dirty jokes was not really what i was expecting.

so if you order it, eat it first.

behold the only photo of aj and i on the air on kcsb in santa barbara

aj and me on the air of kcsb in santa barbara

aj had a metal show on like wednesdays at 9pm called the speed of sound

so naturally i was in love with her.

i had a new music show on at 6am on thursdays called good morning goleta

marys danishi opened each show with a bible reading followed by a led zeppelin tune

because it was 6am who the hell was up in isla vista?

sometimes i would co-host the speed of sound with her because her show was in safe harbor

meaning we could play records with dirty words in em

and we had a funny little routine where id say something and shed make fun of me.

or she would run to the bathroom and id throw on some gangsta rap

(which had just begun as the years were 89-91.)

and she’d come back and yell at me.

it was the sort of radio youd have a hard time turning off because

a) aj had the perfect voice and taste for heavy metal radio

b) who knew what i was gonna do, certainly not me

c) we could play songs that no one else on the air could because they were worried about commercials

one day a band called Mary’s Danish, who both of us loved, was scheduled to play right outside in Storke Plaza

somehow the schedule was shifted around so that aj and i could live broadcast the gig

first marys danish came in and we interviewed them

(to great success bc they were so nice, into it, and we knew their music really well)

and then they went outside and started rocking to a huge crowd.

it was a great day and this photo was taken right before marys danish came in to talk with us.

today is the first day ive seen this picture.

either aj is really sleepy or she was in love with me back.

over the years ive written so much about isla vista

paddle out

it’s a magical place with so much more to offer than the sex drugs and rock n roll

not that theres anything wrong with those things.

yesterday the students, who are mourning in a bigger way than i remember they did in 2001, held a paddle out

ucsb paddle out

two days after they filled harder stadium.

ive always been proud to be a Gaucho.

we are uniquely unique from most colleges, and not just because of the geography

but sometimes, like yesterday, it all comes together beautifully.

some ppl type about bukowski like they know him

bukowskithey pretend theyve read him.

likewise they think they know the first thing about this 22 year old virgin

living in isla vista.

i can imagine being on the moon

but i have no clue what it would be like to be 22 and never had even held hands with a girl

i was a 21 year old virgin in isla vista many moons ago.

long before instagram and facebook and twitter and youtube.

i cant imagine what weird ideas i would have had about my classmates if that was shoved in my face

but id not only kissed a girl or two before that, but had love.

still, i dont know the first thing about that stupid sad murderer who is now dead

and good riddance.

anyways, for some reason when you mention bukowski to some people all they remember is when he kicked his adorable wife Linda in that doc.

i flinched too when i saw it at first.

we forget that the drunken fool, the guy who rarely refused barfights (in his tales), could turn on the woman who loved him the most. on camera. for a brief moment in time.

we forget that people are complicated.

we try to pretend that we aren’t.

heres my favorite bukowski poem

bluebird

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the ****s and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

ive missed the haters

ali

I’m living in that 21st Century, doing something weird to it
Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it
Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it
I guess every superhero need his theme music

i admit it.

they’re so scared to put their full names on things, it’s cute.

they believe the xbi is real and the people’s blogs that they write their nonsense will track them down and… i dont know, write ridiculous things on their amazing site?

there was a time when the web was different. when the blogosphere ruled like the dinosaurs did.

but then there was a meteor and the ice age and most people abandoned their blogs for social media.

strangers don’t write silly things on other people’s facebook walls. maybe in tweets, but jackasses have so few twitter followers it wouldn’t be seen.

ive missed the haters, they remind me im better than some.

thats a priceless commodity that some pay hookers for.

when you blog correctly it comes free.

xbi was all we gotta get you out of LA for a day

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i was like 1) i dont even work for you any more and 2) knock knock there was a knock on my door

and your bff ali was at the door wearing daisy dukes holding a picnic basket saying

we gotta get you out of LA for a day

and before the sun set i was in a place i aint never been a’fore: mt. st. helens washington

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i mean little big horn, montana.

i was all ali isn’t montana like way far away? i feel like we only drove for an hour an a half.

she was like shhhh just go with it. why you always gotta be so literal.

the long cross country drive made me thirsty so we went into the local establishment

Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneer Town Palace.

because of the holiday and our lack of plans the woman up front told us there would be a two hour wait for a table

but if somehow we could find a barstool we could eat at the bar

that sounded like a fun game so we went to the bar and

wait a durn second

is that

could it be

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no not the rack of ribs just bbq’ing over the open fire

smelling delicious and looking amazing

but

wait

no way

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VICTORIA WILLIAMS? IS THAT YOU PLAYING IN THIS SUPER SWEET COVER BAND?

are my eyes deceiving me?

victoria williams who wrote such songs as This Moment, Love, Shoes, TC, You Are Loved, Big Fish, Lights, Crazy Mary

played none of those as far as i heard, but it was still fantastic,

heres a lil taste of the night, i believe this is Sweet Virginia from some brit poppers:

did i mention it was free?

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EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF MUSIC COMPANY IS THIS?

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afterwards we wanted to go fishing or play a bassoon but no  one was around to help

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but we did meet two flamboyant young gentlemen who loved us so much they bought us a couple of shots

that was nice.

as per mr ken laynes recommendation i ordered the catfish poboy and a side of mac n cheese

young ali ordered the tacos

we each had a mason jar of the Corvette Summer which sounded better than it tasted

but whateves it did the job and before we knew it the jetpacks flew us over to palm springs where we woke up

and ate at the ace hotel diner

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heres a few things you should know about me: i always try to stay as positive as possible

 

i love taking pictures of people

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i hate having pictures taken of me

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and if green eggs and ham are on the menu im gonna order some damn green eggs and ham.

happy memorial day america.

tell your momma you love her.