all these pictures, i took today


the best ride was the last ride so lets start there and see what we can do about the girl who might be on drugs,

the corporate insurance executive, the sweet korean father and daughter

and the others who have slipped my mind.

10396526_10152413027258057_665450099_n it was 9:45pm and i was at the burbank in n out. the good news is it’s cheap and delicious. the bad news is you really dont want your car to smell of fast food, especially french fries because in a weird way its like a huge tease to your passengers.

so if i ever get french fries i take the rest of the day off of driving.

for some reason i didnt eat on the way home. i just sat in the car in the parking lot and fully enjoyed the hot fries, the sweet ketchup, the cheeseburger

and A. Martinez with co-host Metta World Peace talking about basketball on the radio.

the food was fantastic and Metta was so outrageous. he was saying teams should just throw seasons after seasons and get a bunch of top draft picks. he was saying that San Antonio does great because the coach knows every player in the US is dumb so he gets europeans and wins wins wins. he was telling all of us to stop our cars and listen to his points.

it was the best radio ive heard in a very long time.

feeling good, i finished my meal, stepped outside the car, deposited my trash, and went in the in n out bathroom to complete the transaction and as i was in there i took a selfie cuz the filthy mirror was all dude How old are you?

maybe it was the milkshake talking but suddenly i had a second wind and i figured ok even though im way out here in burbank maybe theres someone who wants to go to hollywood. i drove through the cute little shopping district, watched everyone enjoying their night, and headed toward the freeway onrap.

just then i got beeped, which made me a little nervous because i dont really know the streets of burbank

but figured, between them and the GPS we’ll figure it out.

drove a mile and fiddled on my iphone waiting for “samantha” and before i knew it she was walking towards the car

and i was all, nice.

she comes in and sits next to me and says, we’re going to hollywood but first i need to pick up my friend.

and i was all, niiiice.


so i said whats going on in hollywood.

she said nothing, just a bad day, a bad week, a bad year.

i was like, well you lucked out with the greatest uber driver in the world who is about to play you any song you want.

samantha was all whatever you want.

i said no come on who’s your favorite band.

she said avenged sevenfold.


at the stop sign i messed with my iphone in a certain way that soon avenged was on the car radio


whats your favorite band she asked me. it was good that she was sitting up there next to me.

i said, well im a million years old, so its probably the band that paved the way for avenged.

metallica she asked

ac/dc i said.

but we talked about metallica any way. because she said avenged’s new album sounds lots like metallica.

so i found that record and we rocked out as we headed to her friends house.


i said if youre a rocker chick and you wanna drink in hollywood how about Toothless or Dandy Lion

she said nah i was thinking about this new orleans place, 504.

i was all whaaat? you need some rock in your life, what about Loaded?

she was like we always go there. bored. over it. maybe hemingways.

we pulled into her friends driveway and i said is that a guest house in the back there?

she said, yep.

i said, i think thats the american dream, a house in a nice neighborhood with a little house in the back.

she said, well the armenian dream is for your daughter to get married and move into that little house.

i went, armenian girls want to live in their backyards? they dont want their own house?

she said, it’s the dream of armenian moms.

and i was like oooooooooooooooo


her friend came bounding out. samantha was all this is juanita, juanita this is tony, the coolest uber ever.

juanita was like great, can we request you from now on?

i said, no but we’ll figure out how you can get me the next time.

driving down the hill towards the freeway i admitted to my friends that i didnt know burbank very well.

i may have even called it glendale. i said, you’ll have to lead me to the freeway.

they said, we’ll show you.

and we drove down Olive and just kept going till it hit Barnham and i was all this is genius

i would have taken the 5 to the 101 or some nonesense, instead you just go through the pass.

i was in love.

they started taking selfies.

we passed the motel where true romance was filmed.

avenged kept playing.


juanita is a makeup assistant and works at the sunglasses stand at the mall.

i told her about the one time i owned raybans and how quickly they were absconded by the person who gifted it to me.

but now i wear Baby Phats that i got for cheap when i bought the whole box downtown, i told them

and boy did they laugh and laugh and laugh.

for some reason i had forgotten juanitas name so i just called her sunglasses.

hey sunglasses, your friend wants to go to some new orleans bar.

oh lets go to Loaded, juanita said.

i smiled.

samantha was all fine. Loaded.

she was having a bad day but now at least it was funny.


i said, ok you girls live near universal. i had this girl in here, right before you two. she was in a daze.

she said she had just had the most perfect day at universal studios.

citywalk? juanita asked.

no, the amusement park. i think she was on ecstasy. she seemed soooo into it.

yeah maybe she was because that place is alright, but nothing to get excited about.

i said, ok, because she was asking me if i had a girlfriend because i should really take her there and

the girls laughed – what?

i know. how is universal romantic?

yeah she was tripping, they agreed.


somehow i had confused glendale and burbank a second time and the ladies informed me that they didnt like glendale

i said, but but youre armenian (glendale is mostly armenian, im pretty sure)

samanatha said yes but we dont like certain armenians.

i was all, so you hate yourself. no self hate!

they laughed and said some are really closed minded and old fashioned and

i said, so like they wouldnt want you to date black guys?

they said, how about you cant date Anyone.

i was all

they were like

i was all but the little house in the back. how?

they said, they fix you up with their friends son and you get married.

i said thats sad. they said and then no sex.

i said, you mean, no sex until youre married.

they said no, no sex – thats the mouth you kiss your babies with!


as we were getting to the bar i started driving slower because now i was truly madly deeply in love with them

both of them.

i knew it would never work between us. all of us.

their fathers and brothers would murder me. even more darkness would befall on our girls life.

and she would never be able to listen to avenged sevenfold any more.

especially the new album.

but still i thought maybe i should just valet and have a drink with samantha and sunglasses


but i knew i needed to write this down.

that writing things down in the long run is better than having that Adios she was telling me about

it’s a drink

i dont know whats in it but youre supposed to tell the bartender “give me an adios mother effer”

got home, looked at all the places i had been that day and thought wow if i could just tell one story

about one of these pictures that would be a good night.

so good night.

you might remember i ran into Deryk from Sun-41 at the tom petty show


when was that, last june? wow, time flies.

anyway he looked terrible and i think i said so.


actually i probably didnt say so because one of the things about LA is you dont say things like that

why? well i probably looked pretty terrible

and i wasnt standing next to a tall skinny model who was wearing AA pants

and super tall shoes.

but also, if someone has hit the bottom you dont blawwwwg about it

unless your name is Perez and youre bound for hell.

i was at the bar a lot that night but bro was stationed there.

maybe he was happy just listening to Petty play the small club.

maybe he was happy standing next to his girl and singing a long

and drinking.

to be honest i thought about that a lot that night: why isnt bro watching?

why is he just drinking?

well now we know.

dear tony, how do you get over someone who broke your heart?

10345843_790476220970100_5403092493975692544_nthis might be the easiest question ive ever gotten.

in fact id rather talk about how the Cubs are going to win the World Series in 2016 but get overshadowed by the presidential campaign when Sarah Palin goes up against Condi Rice who will run as an independent.

our bodies tell us everything but we’re so engrossed in denying it what we want that we dont listen.

when you eat a bad bowl of gumbo what happens: your body expels it in disgusting and messy ways so that you’ll never forget.

when our hearts break we have the same feelings but because we are insane and lazy beasts we try to pretend that that hurt didnt actually hurt

and worse: that the people who did the damage arent actually bad.

they bad.

that bowl of chili should be avoided.

over time you might get used to that terrible chili, but this magnificent universe was not created so that we could get used to bullshit.

we are here to bask in the glory of creation and dance around in the joys of life, love, and mindblowing fun.

somewhere we tricked ourselves into thinking that the lack of explosive anal expulsion means that we made the right choices.

heres when you know youve made the right choice: when youre grinning from ear to ear and your friends think youve been brainwashed.

unfortunately most of us stay in our safe little comfort zones and we convince ourselves that true love and real happiness are either not possible or can be possible with an upset stomach full of crappy ass chili.

no, we can be truly happy with people who challenge and respect us who bring us love naturally because they are our match, not because they simply fit the suit.

how do you get over someone who isnt right for you: throw out everything of theres that reminds you of them, remember that life is short, and never talk to them again.