nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, May 25, 2014

    this guy had lost has phone and instead of just walking around to look for it 


    he called an uber to drive him about a mile to his daughters school and then a half mile to the park

    and then a few blocks to the 7-11 and then a mile back to his crib.

    the ride earned the driver about ten bucks but it took nearly an hour.

    ten bucks an hour isnt the reason people like to drive ubers.

    the reason people like to drive ubers is while the daughter was in the back seat she said something about Frozen

    so the driver said, would you like to hear Let it Go?

    she was probably 6 years old. adorable. black girl with a pink tshirt with the peace symbol on it.

    the music started and she started singing every single word.

    louder and louder as the chorus kicked in.

    even her dad started humming along to the hit.


    the xbi doc says i eat too many tacos.

    i says he talks too much.

    yesterday was slow. who knows why. i was distracted. my spidey zen senses werent in tune.

    was it the disturbance in the force regarding what was happening in 93117?

    who knows. im too sensitive a poet. so i found myself parked behind tacos arizas and those puppys aint gonna eat themselves.

    although their C rating says you shouldnt bet against it.

    and of course as soon as i do my beeper goes off and i drove up to the residence and it was classy

    so i threw a perfectly good taco into the trash can.

    some religions send you to hell for that.


    guy turned out was a master beer maker. successful. bearded. soft spoken. bi costal.

    he said the people of miami love the heat but they cant afford to go to the games

    yet the people who go to the games arent all that crazy about hoops.

    he said he likes the food better in LA.

    i was all, is it true that the women wear as close to nothing as possible, but in a stylish manner?

    he said, yes, they enjoy being seen.

    well that makes one of us.

    i do everything i can to blend in.

    i guess i can do that when im dead.

    we shared a mutual affection towards The Clash

    and we both agreed how genius the heinekin promotion was at coachella

    where if you brought heinis to the show they would keep them cold for you in their “house”


    after i dropped him off i saw this annoying parade of kids in duck hats and dogs and leashes.

    annoying because it was so slow and a pretty wide thoroughfare.

    i think people think its ok for cute things to break laws and be unsafe.

    the light turned green right after i clicked this picture and five seconds of my day was

    wasted at that intersection.

    i considered writing a letter to my congressperson.

    but hell if i know her/his name


    about once a week a transgendered or crossed dressed person is my passenger in my ubermobile

    usually it’s female names.

    the last few have been very tall skinny half naked people and

    it seemed like they wanted to talk but they didnt really wanna talk

    one passenger however did tell me they were just in a dungeon

    doing a photo shoot

    so when you drive around LA just think

    there are dungeons

    and photo shoots

    of all sorts happening.


    i am probably the only person who sees little art or value in this and yet people love it so much they cant contain their love

    if there is a small town or metropolis who wants to draw a literal moth-to-light constant stream of people

    all you need to do is hook up 100 street lights in a simple pattern

    and turn them on at night.

    they will love it so much they’ll even come in the day time.


    tried the new grilled talipia meal at yoshinoya as i was getting my car detailed across the street.

    it was definitely ¡m m!

    grilled fish, good portions, over rice, with a side of the crappiest salad you could imagine = $6

    the lemon garlic butter sauce turned the good into great


    likewise one psycho with messed up priorities

    and access to guns and hundreds of bullets.

    can turn great into sad.

    my man sean wallace reminds us what the sean white band taught us on their

    i.v. e.p. n.a. on l.p. or c.d.

  2. Saturday, May 24, 2014

    last night i drove an 80+ yr old movie star home from partying 

    ginaThis is Gina. She’s been an actress for a long time.

    I picked her up in West Hollywood where one of her agents had been hanging out with her.

    He hailed the Uber for her, me. When she got in I asked if there was any particular music she wanted to hear.

    She said, “88.1” which is the jazz station.

    On came Stan Getz and we were off.

    I asked her if there was any movies I may have seen her in. She said many.

    “I was in the first Hangover movie. At the end, the heavy set guy is in the elevator and I go down on him.”

    hangover bj

    She did? I hadn’t remembered that.

    But today after a smidge of research i found these stills from the end credits.

    I asked “so when you saw that in the script you were ok with it?”

    She said “no the director Todd Philips just told me what he wanted me to do. I said ‘I’ll do it for $200 extra’ and he said fine.”

    Then she added, “we’re friends now on Facebook”.

    hangover blow job

    Here’s what Zach (the heavy set guy, I suppose) had to say about it a few years back.

    Reporter: Can you talk about the montage of pictures at the end of this film? The blowjob. Apparently the MPAA didn’t watch the closing credits.

    Bradley Cooper: Is that against the rules? Really? It’s a dildo though.

    Zach Galifianakis: But that woman was seventy seven years old. I think there’s an age where it becomes non-sexual.

    Reporter: Was that a prosthetic?

    hangover bj

    Zach Galifianakis: I don’t remember. I have to look at again to see what the size was. We were just talking about it. It didn’t match my skin color. It looks like a piece of taffy. I would never. To be honest I didn’t want to do the photo. It’s uncomfortable.

    Vulture couldnt believe it when they saw it. I feel weird I didn’t even remember it.

  3. one of the best things about bukowski is he was not pretty 

    bukowski with catand yet he still got laid.

    truly valuable lesson because any man can strut around if he’s tall handsome and wealthy

    imagine youre squat, pockmarked, fat and you live a block from skid row.

    if you can pull with all that working against you then yeah people should read your books.

    last night a rich pretty boy from the valley drove a new bmw around a college town and shot at blonde girls who in his mind wouldn’t give him the time of day

    he killed six college kids including one that he ran over.

    in a series of youtube videos he said he was frustrated because he was 22 and hadnt even held a girls hand let alone had sex with anyone

    despite being what he considered to be beautiful.

    charles bukowski needs to be taught in every school.

    bukowski too was dismayed by a good chunk of american society but he pushed through.

    in fact the main themes of his poetry and prose is no matter what cards you are dealt, you play them

    you dont turn over the table, you dont cheat, you dont raise your fist at the sky and ask why wasnt i born a six foot five water polo god

    you do you your thing, you make your own luck, you turn to the woman next to you

    and you accept what comes next.

    despite being ridiculously prolific, bukowski would sometimes go back to his masterpieces and edit them before they were published or placed in an anthology.

    the 1977 poem The Crunch probably would have resonated best with last night’s killer who was quickly shot dead by local sheriffs.

    here are the three versions of it, all great in their little ways.

    “there is a loneliness in this world so great
    that you can see it in the slow movement of
    the hands of a clock”

    states bukowski. plainly. almost scientifically.

    please tell me the city college virgin wouldnt have seen himself in this bit from the final edited version:

    “we forget the terror of one person
    aching in one room
    cut off
    watering a plant alone
    without a telephone that would never

    the lesson of bukowski is he can bust out with something like that, such a clear stark blast

    but when he’s done he pours a glass of wine,

    smiles to himself

    drinks the wine, alone or otherwise

    and feels beautiful inside

    where it counts.

  4. Friday, May 23, 2014

    people act like salvidor dali didnt love to jump rope 


    yesterday i ate watermelon for the first time. i was a little drunk.

    also psychologically the only black kid at school cant be running around eating watermelon.

    but in a salad, after a few beers, surrounded by intelligent worldly people

    a brother can eat a little watermelon with his kale and steak

    and feta.

    i keep remembering what this crazy person told me about universal studios,

    she said if you were on your death bed what would you regret?

    and i thought say finding out what your apartment looks like.

    but she said, i bet it’s “i never went to universal”.

    and suddenly i knew what her apartment looked like.

    salvador dali roller skating.

  5. mary, the biggest party girl on the wessside, had recently escaped rehab 


    i hadnt seen her in a while. i was at coachella when she told me she was entering a swanky beachside facility for a month.

    a few weeks ago she texted me saying i need an uber i gotta get out of this place.

    apparently the beachside malibu resort-style valhalla was too much for her.

    the trips to trader joes, the massages, the kingsized suite wasn’t what she hoped for

    what she really wanted was to see her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed and get back to work.

    she also wanted to turn over a new leaf, stop hanging out with the party people in her life

    and start doing more wholesome, healthy pursuits like throwing dinner parties with miss universe contestants

    like me and my buddy todd.



    im not a dinner party expert and when mary said all you have to do is wash the dishes, the girls and i will cook i was all, should i bring pie?

    apparently im the last person in LA who eats pie.

    so she sent me a text with a photo of a certain black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream and said i could bring that

    ah yes, talenti gelato.

    we grilled fish, steak, miss greece arrived with kale and watermelon, two delightful sisters were there

    the conversations were spicy and real, and mary shared stories with us about kicking the habit.

    before we knew it it was midnight and todd had to run home to feed his cat.

    was i obnoxious? duh. will i get invited back next time? probably not.

    but i did help dry the dishes and it was really nice to see mary dialed down a notch or two

    and seemingly healthier and happier, which is what its all about.

    ps that gelato was amazing.

  6. Thursday, May 22, 2014

    lets say the xbi had a young lady waiting for me when i got home 


    and lets say i didnt want any xbi young lady inside my crib after a long day of work and uber

    and lets say she was hands down the hottest xbi lady ive ever seen

    and she was wearing a short skirt a beret and a tshirt that said busblog.

    so lets say somehow she made her way into my mcmansion and she looked around for a while

    while i analyzed my fantasy baseball teams.

    lets say in the morning the once-giddy woman was now suddenly seemingly ticked off.

    you dont get to be ticked off, i reminded her.

    she bounded up a led me into the bathroom.

    what is THIS, bald man, doing in your bathroom, she said sharply pointing at a long strand

    of brunette hair.

    i was all, i never want to see you in that shirt again.

    she took it off obediantly

    and i whispered

    my maid was just here

    and i kicked her out.

    and threw a sweatshirt at her through the window.

    one with a tracking chip in the label

    of course,


  7. Best thing I’ve read on tumblr. 


    Professor :You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, you believe in GOD?
    Student :Absolutely, sir.
    Professor :Is GOD good?
    Student :Sure.
    Professor:Is GOD all powerful?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

    (Student was silent.)

    Professor:You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Is satan good?
    Student :No.
    Professor:Where does satan come from?
    Student :From … GOD …
    Professor:That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor:Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
    Student :Yes
    Professor:So who created evil ?

    (Student did not answer.)

    Professor:Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
    Student :Yes, sir.
    Professor:So, who created them ?

    (Student had no answer.)

    Professor:Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
    Student :No, sir.
    Professor:Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
    Student :No , sir.
    Professor:Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
    Student :No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
    Professor:Yet you still believe in Him?
    Student :Yes.
    Professor :According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
    Student :Nothing. I only have my faith.
    Professor:Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

    madonna and katy perry

    Student :Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
    Student :And is there such a thing as cold?
    Student :No, sir. There isn’t.

    (The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

    Student :Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

    (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

    Student :What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
    Professor:Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
    Student :You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
    Professor:So what is the point you are making, young man?
    Student :Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
    Professor:Flawed ? Can you explain how?
    Student :Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
    Professor:If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
    Student :Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

    (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

    Student :Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

    (The class was in uproar.)

    Student :Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

    (The class broke out into laughter.)

    Student :Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

    (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

    Professor:I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
    Student :That is it sir… Exactly ! The link between man and GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

    That student was Madonna

  8. Wednesday, May 21, 2014
  9. Tuesday, May 20, 2014

    all these pictures, i took today 


    the best ride was the last ride so lets start there and see what we can do about the girl who might be on drugs,

    the corporate insurance executive, the sweet korean father and daughter

    and the others who have slipped my mind.

    10396526_10152413027258057_665450099_n it was 9:45pm and i was at the burbank in n out. the good news is it’s cheap and delicious. the bad news is you really dont want your car to smell of fast food, especially french fries because in a weird way its like a huge tease to your passengers.

    so if i ever get french fries i take the rest of the day off of driving.

    for some reason i didnt eat on the way home. i just sat in the car in the parking lot and fully enjoyed the hot fries, the sweet ketchup, the cheeseburger

    and A. Martinez with co-host Metta World Peace talking about basketball on the radio.

    the food was fantastic and Metta was so outrageous. he was saying teams should just throw seasons after seasons and get a bunch of top draft picks. he was saying that San Antonio does great because the coach knows every player in the US is dumb so he gets europeans and wins wins wins. he was telling all of us to stop our cars and listen to his points.

    it was the best radio ive heard in a very long time.

    feeling good, i finished my meal, stepped outside the car, deposited my trash, and went in the in n out bathroom to complete the transaction and as i was in there i took a selfie cuz the filthy mirror was all dude How old are you?

    maybe it was the milkshake talking but suddenly i had a second wind and i figured ok even though im way out here in burbank maybe theres someone who wants to go to hollywood. i drove through the cute little shopping district, watched everyone enjoying their night, and headed toward the freeway onrap.

    just then i got beeped, which made me a little nervous because i dont really know the streets of burbank

    but figured, between them and the GPS we’ll figure it out.

    drove a mile and fiddled on my iphone waiting for “samantha” and before i knew it she was walking towards the car

    and i was all, nice.

    she comes in and sits next to me and says, we’re going to hollywood but first i need to pick up my friend.

    and i was all, niiiice.


    so i said whats going on in hollywood.

    she said nothing, just a bad day, a bad week, a bad year.

    i was like, well you lucked out with the greatest uber driver in the world who is about to play you any song you want.

    samantha was all whatever you want.

    i said no come on who’s your favorite band.

    she said avenged sevenfold.


    at the stop sign i messed with my iphone in a certain way that soon avenged was on the car radio


    whats your favorite band she asked me. it was good that she was sitting up there next to me.

    i said, well im a million years old, so its probably the band that paved the way for avenged.

    metallica she asked

    ac/dc i said.

    but we talked about metallica any way. because she said avenged’s new album sounds lots like metallica.

    so i found that record and we rocked out as we headed to her friends house.


    i said if youre a rocker chick and you wanna drink in hollywood how about Toothless or Dandy Lion

    she said nah i was thinking about this new orleans place, 504.

    i was all whaaat? you need some rock in your life, what about Loaded?

    she was like we always go there. bored. over it. maybe hemingways.

    we pulled into her friends driveway and i said is that a guest house in the back there?

    she said, yep.

    i said, i think thats the american dream, a house in a nice neighborhood with a little house in the back.

    she said, well the armenian dream is for your daughter to get married and move into that little house.

    i went, armenian girls want to live in their backyards? they dont want their own house?

    she said, it’s the dream of armenian moms.

    and i was like oooooooooooooooo


    her friend came bounding out. samantha was all this is juanita, juanita this is tony, the coolest uber ever.

    juanita was like great, can we request you from now on?

    i said, no but we’ll figure out how you can get me the next time.

    driving down the hill towards the freeway i admitted to my friends that i didnt know burbank very well.

    i may have even called it glendale. i said, you’ll have to lead me to the freeway.

    they said, we’ll show you.

    and we drove down Olive and just kept going till it hit Barnham and i was all this is genius

    i would have taken the 5 to the 101 or some nonesense, instead you just go through the pass.

    i was in love.

    they started taking selfies.

    we passed the motel where true romance was filmed.

    avenged kept playing.


    juanita is a makeup assistant and works at the sunglasses stand at the mall.

    i told her about the one time i owned raybans and how quickly they were absconded by the person who gifted it to me.

    but now i wear Baby Phats that i got for cheap when i bought the whole box downtown, i told them

    and boy did they laugh and laugh and laugh.

    for some reason i had forgotten juanitas name so i just called her sunglasses.

    hey sunglasses, your friend wants to go to some new orleans bar.

    oh lets go to Loaded, juanita said.

    i smiled.

    samantha was all fine. Loaded.

    she was having a bad day but now at least it was funny.


    i said, ok you girls live near universal. i had this girl in here, right before you two. she was in a daze.

    she said she had just had the most perfect day at universal studios.

    citywalk? juanita asked.

    no, the amusement park. i think she was on ecstasy. she seemed soooo into it.

    yeah maybe she was because that place is alright, but nothing to get excited about.

    i said, ok, because she was asking me if i had a girlfriend because i should really take her there and

    the girls laughed – what?

    i know. how is universal romantic?

    yeah she was tripping, they agreed.


    somehow i had confused glendale and burbank a second time and the ladies informed me that they didnt like glendale

    i said, but but youre armenian (glendale is mostly armenian, im pretty sure)

    samanatha said yes but we dont like certain armenians.

    i was all, so you hate yourself. no self hate!

    they laughed and said some are really closed minded and old fashioned and

    i said, so like they wouldnt want you to date black guys?

    they said, how about you cant date Anyone.

    i was all

    they were like

    i was all but the little house in the back. how?

    they said, they fix you up with their friends son and you get married.

    i said thats sad. they said and then no sex.

    i said, you mean, no sex until youre married.

    they said no, no sex – thats the mouth you kiss your babies with!


    as we were getting to the bar i started driving slower because now i was truly madly deeply in love with them

    both of them.

    i knew it would never work between us. all of us.

    their fathers and brothers would murder me. even more darkness would befall on our girls life.

    and she would never be able to listen to avenged sevenfold any more.

    especially the new album.

    but still i thought maybe i should just valet and have a drink with samantha and sunglasses


    but i knew i needed to write this down.

    that writing things down in the long run is better than having that Adios she was telling me about

    it’s a drink

    i dont know whats in it but youre supposed to tell the bartender “give me an adios mother effer”

    got home, looked at all the places i had been that day and thought wow if i could just tell one story

    about one of these pictures that would be a good night.

    so good night.

  10. you might remember i ran into Deryk from Sun-41 at the tom petty show 


    when was that, last june? wow, time flies.

    anyway he looked terrible and i think i said so.


    actually i probably didnt say so because one of the things about LA is you dont say things like that

    why? well i probably looked pretty terrible

    and i wasnt standing next to a tall skinny model who was wearing AA pants

    and super tall shoes.

    but also, if someone has hit the bottom you dont blawwwwg about it

    unless your name is Perez and youre bound for hell.

    i was at the bar a lot that night but bro was stationed there.

    maybe he was happy just listening to Petty play the small club.

    maybe he was happy standing next to his girl and singing a long

    and drinking.

    to be honest i thought about that a lot that night: why isnt bro watching?

    why is he just drinking?

    well now we know.