1. Friday, May 2, 2014

    this blog is about to be very interesting starting tomorrow around this time 

    like a sirthe xbi knows i have a land line.

    very few other people do. Obama, obvs, my family, and my maid.

    thats about it.

    so when it rings i usually say, “and another thing Barack, whats up with the freaking NSA??”

    this morning it rang earl. super earl. fortunately i was already up because: boyscout.

    i was stretching and becoming one with the sun.

    this isnt obama, this is the office.

    it was the xbi.

    i said im sorry sir you must have the wrong number.

    they said knock it off agent we have some disturbing news about the boss’s daughter.

    i released some wind.

    shes been kidnapped, the voice said.

    i cracked a smile.

    why are you smiling?

    i looked around. i didnt know we were Facetiming, i said.

    i hung up.

    the phone rang again.

    “and another thing Barack, what happened to the pictures I was supposed to see?!?”

    this isn’t the president, it’s the office.

    again?

    why did you hang up on us?

    why are there cameras in here. right of privacy yo!

    privacy is an illusion, agent, we have a chip in your brain if you havent noticed.

    i’ll tell you what. imma go to my actual job. while im gone, get rid of any audio and or video devices you have in my humble mansion. and then i will help you recover the boss’s daughter.

    that may take some time.

    tick tock fellas its the boss’s daughter we talking about.

    and then i hung up the phone and disconnected it from the wall.

    shortly thereafter i got a text from the agency that simply read: as if.