koreatown, i see you

eyes on the hotel in koreatown

she made me wait. what else is new.

im starting to see a trend. the longer they make you wait, the better looking they are.

unfortunately i love girls for their hearts.

she came out of an apartment next door to hollywood and highland.

i dated a girl a long long time ago over there. someone who scared me to death.

she lived in a studio apartment. all there was was a mattress on the carpet with perfectly aligned

books all around the edges.

like soldiers at attention protecting and enriching.

we went to theres something about mary and when i took her home she jumped in the bed

first date.

afterwards i went into the bathroom and all was well until i saw the tub

it was black.

not cool goth black but gross. gross gross.

last date.

she had a lion tattoo on her skinny lower back.

pretty sure it was the van halen lion alex van halen used to have on his bass drum.

anyway really late girl last night was curvy and pouty and didnt say much but it was to downtown


cops were everywhere.

the kings were in new york but a bunch of fans were at nokia watching game four

so the cops were protecting it incase people wanted to extra celebrate

if they won. the stanley cup. but no one cares. come on.

the cops were also there because E3 is in town.

ali was throwing a party for her company at the mexican joint there

that makes guacamole at your table for far too much money

but screw you why are you a) at la live and b) at a mexican place there

youre paying the asswipe fine.

weirdly my passenger was going to the very same restaurant.


its a good thing black folk cant be racists

because after i dropped her off i picked up this black dude with a good sized fro

and i totally thought he was a rapper.

but because i dont wanna assume anything, even though i listen to a lot of rap when i uber

with him i asked is there anything you wanna listen to and when he said no

i didnt put rap in, instead i said siri cd player, play.

and the new jack white came on.

just like a lot of the people do, he was engrossed in his phone

as we headed to the 10 so we could go to the sls hotel in beverly hills

he only talked near the end when he asked me if i noticed what his rating was

i said i hadnt cuz i dont care unless its amazingly low.

he was worried because he had passed out once in the back of the uber

and the guy took him home and pulled him out, with the help of the neighbor

and they propped him by his door.

when i dropped him off he said, and thanks for that great music.

five stars.


a block away i get beeped. two swedish girls going to katsuya in downtown.

i was all, i could do this all night.

they talk to swedish to each other and finally i say

is it true that theres no such thing as dog pounds or rescue shelters in sweden?

and they said yeah.

i asked why?

and the blonder one goes because we spay and neuter our pets immediately

other one says, theres a big fine if you dont.

so i said is it true that if you do want a dog you have to go on a waiting list

with a breeder because the breeders arent allowed to breed a dog unless theres an order?

and they said yah which is swedish for tony youre so smart

and a great idea came into my head.


here in the us, theres all these dogs in shelters

why dont we ask all these animal rights groups to raise some money so we could fly

a few planeloads of dogs to sweden

where its nice.

soon as i dropped her off got a guy who wanted to go one mile away.

he was all, im on a first date. what i do is take an uber there and let her drive me home.

he said, then after drinks they have to take me home and if they wanna come in

its game on.

i went, where do you meet these dates.

he said, tinder and coffee meets bagels.

i was all, what the hell is coffee meets bagels?

he said, the people there want more of a relationship, but i dont. whatever.

dropped him off, got some food to go

drove home and the moon and the clouds and the buildings were all saying

look at me

look at me

look at me