when i woke up i thought the day was going to be a certain way


but then i started reading Job as the sunday bible reading

then i got a text message altering the second half of the day

and then everything spiraled into freeform jazz which was ok

because i was all, i’ll just lay here and watch orange is the new black

until the game of thrones season finale comes on.

and because life is never boring, one minute before the show was supposed to start,

sass texted me and said hey we’re gonna go to the zankou by your house wanna come?

one little weakness i have is chicken, especially if two international superstars are driving


after eating, sass wanted popsicles so we walked across the street to the 7-11

along the way a big black dude sipping on sizzrup yelled something at sass

who was wearing the shortest shorts and he mentioned something about her posterior

so she yelled something back at him.

and he said, but you have no ass.

so she said, but you have no money, and we entered the 7-11 and he followed us in.

one bad thing about being an undercover xbi agent: its hard to stay undercover

in broad daylight, flanked by two hot little women, one of whom is trying to make a point

the ladies were not happy with the selection of icy poles so we exited and as we did

our new friend shadowed us. i turned to him and tried to ESP him but bro was drunk

which made me worried he wanted to fight.


as we crossed the street sass spotted who she thought was an LA county sherrif

but it was actually just a security guard at the chicken joint

so she ran to him shouting behind her at the drunk “MAYBE THIS SHERIFF WANTS TO KNOW”

but i grabbed her before she got through the door

we all piled into the car as bro veered over to the liquor store

and we drove to Vons.

that wasnt a sheriff, sass, i told her.

and it was quiet for a little while in the car.

until i told her a little buddhist proverb for our little situation.

it goes: if a wise man and a fool are arguing, no one can tell who’s the fool.

then we brainstormed It’s Good Day where you write down things that pissed you off

that you’re still carrying around to this very day and it’s bring you down

and you go to the LA colosseum and everyone burns their little paper.

and theres a rock concert and lots of booze

and you judge how successful the day was by how much you barfed.

lindsey graham throws bricks at runaway truck tires


and wants us to start throwing them again at Iraq.

why? well because for the first time ever there’s unrest in the middle east and Graham feels left out.

“Iraq and Syria are going to be the staging ground for the next 9/11 if we don’t do something about it,” the senator from South Carolina squealed during CNN’s morning show today.

i really wish some reporters would ask him where the staging grounds for the first 9/11 were.

the xbi gave me a quarterly bonus for their successful spring

new vans

i said thats fine but i dont work for the xbi, nor have i in quite a while.

but they insisted.

so after giving, what i thought was all of it to the Ronald McDonald House and the Sunset Free Clinic

my two favorite charities in Hollywood, it turned out that i still had some more left over.

so i bought concert tickets because even though the xbi are the most lovable of all the undercover superheroes

their money is dirty and tainted and so full of heebie jeebies that it gives me the shivers just thinking about.

Kiss & Def Leppard @ The Forum, 7/8

Mötley Crüe & Alice Cooper @ The Hollywood Bowl, 7/21

Elvis Costello & Ben Folds @ The Hollywood Bowl, 9/5

Lorde @ The Greek, 10/7

and still money was left over so I bought those black paisley Star Wars Vans off their website.

word is the power house is fixing to close at the end of the month

powerhouse back in the day

my fondest memory of the power house was many moons ago.

i hadnt seen the cuban girl in quite a while and i messaged her on myspace i think

and we agreed to meet at hollywood dingiest dirtiest dive bar on highland just north of hollywood blvd.

ever since i met her i thought she was so beautiful but the bible says thats a big fakeout

it says look at peoples hearts like jesus does.

she had a beautiful heart and for some reason she told me to eff off every time i said we should date again.

she reminded me that i was a loser and i didnt have a good job and my jokes were terrible

i said yes all of those things are true. but i never cheated on you. and we had fun.

and we saw strange and unusual things plus so many rock shows.

some of which were gross and horrible, she reminded me.

and she said no again.

and thats how we started dating again for a little while.

so yes i will be sad to see that armpit go

with its terrible booths where you can feel the springs.

the last time i was in there i saw a very short black man dressed exactly like mr t.

saw Maleficent while i got my 10,000 mile check up

Angelina Jolie

the xbi mobile has been a good car so far.

but like angelina jolie told me in 1994:

cars are like hot bodies: keep good care of it – never take it for granted.

so at 10,000 miles it was time for its first oil change, inspection, and tire rotation.

something that would take a few hours the dealer told me.

fine, i’ll see a movie.

which one are you thinking about, he asked.

well that tom cruise movie starts in 20 minutes.

what else are you thinking about, he asked while shaking his head.

oh you didnt like it?

angelina jolie in venice

i download a lot of movies and watch them on my phone, he admitted to me.

they should have gotten an older guy to play that role

or someone like that dude who played Thor, he added.

no one ever says they shoulda gotten angelina jolie.

maybe they dont think angelina jolie would say yes.

shes busy with being a mom and making the world better and junk.

Angelina Jolie

but disney did ask her to be Maleficent a word i still cant spell or say.

at the box office i actually had to talk to someone instead of use the machine

and all sorts of gobbley goop came out until i said one for the angelina jolie.

for some reason i thought she was gonna be an evil witch

turned out she was a pissed off fairy.

angie in 1994

it was beautiful and she was perfect in every way.

the story was good, it was interesting, there were surprises

and even a lesson or two for all of us about prejudgements and appearances

and how if you’re just super cool to people either they wanna kill you

or be with you forever.

but its a pretty good chance they’re gonna try to steal your best dance move.

so keep rockin.