why lebron should become a clipper

tumblr_m9swpcsdh01qb5wbbo1_500Lebron James has a problem. he is the best basketball player in the world but everyone hates him.

he doesnt wanna be hated. no one does. he may pretend it doesnt bother him but hes human. it kills him.

which is why when his contract is over he will become a Clipper.

almost anywhere he could go he would be hated except for the team with the weird recent history

and two loveable stars.

paul allen would easily be able to give him whatever he wanted, salary wise

and he also might be able to pull some strings if the small forward wants microsoft to change the name of Internet Explorer to The King James Browser.

Bron’s biggest mistake during the last Decision was in picking the favorite instead of the underdog.

OKC doesnt have what it takes, San Antonio’s old, and the Lakers have a long way to go,

the Clippers will always remember its first ring because of LeBron James

and Compton will love him because in an unexpected stroke of genius he decided to buy a few homes in the South Central city.

and work in the tattoo shop on the corner in the summer.

got some food at this new food truck today

buster keaton the general

and within an hour i was completely depressed. and sleepy. and then it dawned on me: id been poisoned!

the xbi!

again!

i get depressed maybe 3 times a year. for about 20 minutes total.

how did this fish taco nail me for a good 15 minutes?

and why would they want to poison me? again? but why now?

ah, because i can uber again. they know i love it so.

they know that with uber i dont need them. i dont think about them. it completes me.

the last thing they want me to do is commune with the city and navigate its many twists and turns.

they know if im low im open to evil. i can be manipulated.

so i went to the 99 cent store and got a box of milky way bars. and a box of $100k bars.

and an Orange Crush.

while waiting in line i saw a french lady with two adorable daughters buy candy and a douche.

a 99 cent store douche.

i walked past that ginormous rock and thought about all the mouths that rock could have fed

if they hadnta spent millions taking that dumb thing from the desert to the miracle mile

but i knew that was the poison talking. so i ate a candy bar. and then another.

got up the elevator, got a Coke outta the machine bc i was delirious and totally forgot i had another pop.

sat down in my office and got back to work.

now cured i will rejoin the good people of this metropolis and take them to bars and restaurants.

mayor garcetti rides the coattails of the kings to stay in the headlines

first he dropped the f-bomb at the staples center rally – to thunderous cheers and applause

then he dissed new york hot dogs while eating a pinks dog out of an LA Kings lunch box.

is he stiff, awkward, calculated, and seemingly trying to hard to be cool: yes.

are we, including my favorite local newspaper, ridiculously uptight with four letter words?

oh hell yes.

did he win the day in an unusual way that nobody would have predicted?

fuck yeah.

being the mayor of LA is a tough trick because in most cities the mayor is the celebrity

the cool dad.

we are a city with way too many celebrities and far more cool than we can deal with.

garcetti with the gang sign

we don’t really need the mayor to do much more than:

1. build a subway to the sea

2. fix the potholes and sidewalks

3. ensure that the cops dont beat up the public

4. bring back the film jobs that keep going to canada and new mexico and the carolinas

5. make sure we keep getting water from no cal.

if Mayor G can do those things he can pretty much write his own ticket to sacramento

or even washington.

in the meantime now that he has had his fun, he might want to broker a deal that would bring

the dodgers back to the television screens of this fair city

and then he would have earned his place in the headlines.

until then, work on that little list bro.

those are the real BFDs