1. Sunday, June 22, 2014

    made a terrible mistake and told two girls i’d pick them up for free later 

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    sometimes i just get in a very loving, giving mood and i’ll do anything.

    usually people won’t even remember the things i say. apparently im very forgettable.

    but then there are those who freaking quote my words right back at me and im all omg.

    last night was probably my best night ever ubering: moneywise and funwise.

    as soon as i dropped someone off i got another beep saying yo now me.

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    i saw a lot of weird things. some things i dont wanna remember. some things i’ll never forget.

    all of my little driving techniques worked. my hands didnt hurt. everyone had cool stories to tell me.

    i didn’t fight the flow, i went to the valley and stayed for a little and just enjoyed the ride.

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    the vice president of the united states even made a cameo when i least expected it.

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    even got to see my favorite people in the world: rock fans who show up before the doors even open and wait.

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    took two little leaguers from universal studios to their home in beverly hills and as we passed this house

    i said, so do you guys ever go in there and snoop around?

    their eyes got super big and they said OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW?

    i was all, dude, basically im a 13 year old myself. whats it like?

    kid goes, IT WAS IN GHOST HUNTERS. WE SEE FACES IN THE WINDOWS AT NIGHT!

    fuck yeah.

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    so around nine pm i was near my house so i took a pit stop, changed out of my shorts into some track pants

    fed the cats, made potatoes and string beans with butter. and turned on my phone while i did the dishes

    and before i could get the first bowl washed i got beeped, so i drove a few blocks away and these young ladies got in.

    these pictures do them no justice. nor do they describe the perfume. victoria secrets?

    we talked about our neighborhood and they asked me to take them to No Vacancy.

    i was pretty sure i had dropped some other people there but i wasnt sure. they werent either.

    and its secret and new, so it was a fun little journey to get there

    and when we did i asked if i could take their pic for the instagram. one of them said if we can get a free ride.

    reasonable deal. i get to steal their souls for one photo? done.

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    people would do the weirdest things to try to get a good picture these days. giving a free ride seemed simple.

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    a lot simpler than driving through The Grove in the middle of the day, thats for sure.

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    in my minds eye, i assumed that they would either find some handsome men to spend the rest of the weekend with

    or theyd be up so late that the streets would be empty and i wouldnt be busy

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    little did i know i would get the funniest ride ever from beverly hills to sherman oaks

    and my whole plan would get thrown off.

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    i shoulda known it was gonna be a weird one when i saw these hair metal throwbacks totally strolling down sunset

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    so murphys law, right as the surge prices were rising i got a text from the ladies at 2am asking if i was nearby.

    i was at the echo plex and i texted her back and i said, if he is heading to hollywood i’ll pick you up right after

    deal.

    bro was going to the vista. exactly on the way.

    when i dropped him off i accidentally went online and immediately i got beeped again.

    the screen said the guy was a half block away and the rate would be tripled because of the surge.

    i was tempted for a quick minute but i had just watched Silicon Valley the other day

    and in this one episode this nerd totally calls this guy out on breaking his word.

    so i canceled the expensive trip and drove to totally jam packed hollywood proper to get the girls

    to deliver them home for free, as promised, because im a total idiot.10474390_10152489554028057_1206873442_n

    find em, get em, theyre both really disappointed in the night at the club.

    apparently the people at the club were super fake and plastic and gross and rude

    and one guy went up to one of the ladies and in front of his gf propositions the woman to a threesome

    and apparently the gf wasnt really into it but the guy was too drunk to notice or care

    and it was crowded but there was dancing and amazing pork belly sandwiches

    and great soul music, which is why they stayed there all night.

    the conversation switched to some nicer things and when i dropped them off it was still surging.

    whew.

    took a black girl from harvard n stone to santa monica blvd who told me about a fire she had at her apartment

    and what burned (her dog’s little bed) and what didn’t (her dog and ipad).

    then got beeped to go to the former Club Lingerie got there and this beautiful woman waved at me

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    she had a bikini top on and a skirt. she was yelling at all these big huge drunk guys wearing the same shirts.

    tshirts. it took forever because they were too drunk to drive but needed their keys from valet.

    you know i hate to wait and they were really making me wait. the biggest guy leans in my window

    and says heres the address, its in alhambra, im going to follow you.

    a little annoying, weird, scary, fascinating, and profitable because alhambra is way out past east LA.

    but still im waiting, no ones in my car, why the delay? and just as i was gonna say something

    i have passengers and we’re off to alhambra and i ask one of them whats up with the shirts

    and they go oh the guy following us is the worlds greatest middle weight kickboxer

    he was in three matches today at staples center, the first two were on spike TV

    and the third was on pay per view.

    and i said, wow well its great i didnt yell at him to hurry up.

    and because sometimes you get some instant karma, after i dropped off a car full of people

    the pretty bikini woman and her boyfriend his manager get in and say take us back to downtown

    and he was hella drunk so it was a very interesting conversation lemme tell you.