it’s so dry the ants and the spiders wanna come in


there was a spider

and im all, trust me i understand but dont we leave the garden hoses drippy enough

dont the neighbors do their laundry omg every day?

arent we constantly pouring out a little for the homies who aint here?

and the ants were all, you realize you work for us, dont you?

and the spiders were like you know what we do when you sleep, right?

and the walls said you know we talk when youre outta the house.

so i burned everything down.

all of it.

still, the ants came back the next day

and crawled over the burnt shells of debris

and sipped from the endless puddles left by the fire hoses

and said thanks, now clean this crap up.

a hot girl approached my car holding a soft serve ice cream cone


she said can i eat my ice cream in the car?

and thats how the day started.

picked up a swedish second grade teacher on summer vacation with the prettiest eyes

i was all, ive been to sweden. she was all, where? i said, in perfect swedish, Jönköping.

she was like I’M FROM Jönköping!

i said then you get a free half bottle of water.

like new.

we drove to the airport and i took her luggage out of the trunk and said Hej då! (which is adios in swedish) and her eyes got super big cuz apparently no one knows how to say caio in her tongue out here.

she said the people of LA were super cool to her and i was all duh


picked up these sweet kids from a baptist church in santa monica. they had just eaten pizza and played pinball.

on a friday night.

i told them they were going straight to heaven.

drove them to their aunt’s apartment near the 3rd street promenade.

on the way i said, oh i shouldnt be playing this Eminem, how about some gospel?

ive got elvis, hank sr., mahalia jackson

the guy up front was all no no no, i hear gospel from the time my aunt wakes up till i go to sleep


i laughed and said, see you in hell, piasan


got beeped in downtown from three young people over at the angel city brewery.

they said it was so crowded in there that they never got a beer.

i was like werent able to get drunk in a brewery? sad trombone! let me turn off this bob dylan.

they were all oh no dylan is awesome.

turned out they were Disney Imagineers. they make the theme parks cool.

i told them as much as i love disneyland, ive never been to california adventure.

and one of them told me id like it and i should try some of the adult drinks they serve there.

i was all, lemme tell you about my buddy todd. and boy did i tell them some things.

namely about the one time i was setting him up with a smokin hot babe but he had tickets to the disney convention

and he told me, sorry tony the girl of my dreams does not know you, and she will be at this convention.

they laughed silently but covered their mouths when they did it.


then there was this one.

we had to go from santa monica to downtown LA.

waitress actress and occasional lyft driver so she sat up front with me.

it’s amazing how quickly you can cut through the bs with some people and immediately start having

super not safe for work, detailed, funny, TMI conversations.

none of which i can reveal here because i just screwed up and showed you her picture.

her boyfriend ordered her the uber and i was near the beach and after a while i called him

and said, does she know what my license plate is?

he said, no. i said, does she know what my car looks like? he said no.

i said, theres about ten cars out here, is she like me, psychic and can see into the future?

he said Whaaaa? (it was loud where he was).

i said, tell her my plate number is XBI666

he was all SBI what?

and then she just magically ran across the street waving at me and i was amazed.