nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, July 25, 2014

    flashback friday: the girl who also liked newspapers 


    deep down im a very old man. actually not that deep.

    while in college i went hiking my freshman year with a bunch of new college friends.

    they thought it would be funny to wake up, sprinkle granola bars with lsd

    and give them to all of us sleeping amigos as the sun rose.

    i knew something was up because who giggles and says eat this tony unless evil lurks.

    it was quite a way to wake up, lemme tell you, and that whole morning slash afternoon i whined

    why are we hiking? whats the point? why did we sleep in the dirt? black people dont do this!

    and i realized that i was like a weird milk chocolate candy bar.

    on the outside i was beautiful and smooth and delicious

    and in the creamy center i was full of youth and sweetness

    but right in the middle of that i was this hard old nut maybe a million years old.

    which i was reminded up not that long ago when i woke up in a hotel suite with a pretty girl

    who for some reason thought it was ok to put her tea service on our bed

    when there was a perfectly good night stand right next to her.

    she was all, shut up grandpa and read this to me as i fall back to sleep.

  2. Thursday, July 24, 2014

    i had a really good day today 

    ocean park

    achieved a goal at real work.
    ate an umami burger at lunch.
    drove some cool people around LA.
    ate a good turkeyburger at carls jr.

    came home to the two fluffy cats waiting for me.
    when its hot the bowls of water run out fast
    they want that as much as they want the food
    but they do this super weird thing.
    they walk between my legs as if they Wanted to trip me.
    they zig as i zag and if i stop they stop.
    we both know we’re going to my front door to get the mail
    and then get them their food and beers.
    now they jump into my house and investigate as i get the grub.
    then the shy one bounds out from under the house and circles my porch.

    all of their meows are bizarre. not one of them has a normal one.
    huge flying cockroach came outta the food bag and climbed up my arm.
    i screamed like a 6th grade girl which super freaked out scaredy cat.
    i hunted down that cockroachbeast, killed it, and kicked its guts outside
    i know it’s dry out there fellas but theres plenty of food
    and water and everything right behind the thai restaurant, seriously.

    then remembered danielle had blogged for the first time in forever
    and man was it good, but man was it sad.
    give yr girl a shoutout the next time you say your prayers.

  3. because Obama is in town some of the roads are blocked 

    dolores del rio

    the whiners whine about it which is boring and predictable but the rest of us use Waze and manage just fine.

    it was hot yesterday and will get hotter today because it’s the summer, the season we’ve waited for

    and the whiners whine about it which is boring and unpredictable because omg its summer whattya want

    which is to say fewer uber drivers were out there yesterday because who wants to be out there in the heat

    and the traffic and the road closures and etc: the answer is i do.

    because when there are fewer drivers there are more chances that you’ll get beeped

    as soon as you drop off your passenger, which is the goal of five star customer service.

    for some reason i agreed to something impossible yesterday at my real job because

    at the root of five star customer service is this phrase: yes. of course.

    i may need to renegotiate later today but i would like to see how close i can get to the crazy goal.

    why? because we who are Cubs fans appreciate it when someone says, yes we can do this.

    even if all signs point to: are you crazy fool?

    accidentally called these beautiful Dominican girls Black yesterday.

    they were all, you hear us speaking Spanish don’t you!

  4. Wednesday, July 23, 2014

    every now and then a beautiful young lady with enormous fake 


    will come into my uber, sit in the front seat and either take pictures the whole time

    or touch up some intricate and fascinating make up design while yapping it up with me.

    today her name was melody and she was a welcome relief because the previous passengers

    well, they werent my cup of tea lets say

    melody somehow picked up on that while she worked the pencil

    i bet you get a lot of jerks in here, huh?

    we were at a stop light. i said, all of my passengers

    are the most wonderful gentlemen and ladies

    and then turned to her when she laughed.

    you could probably write a book, she said, focusing into the compact mirror.

    i could but one should probably just work super hard to be great at their job.

    well youre doing that, arent you?

    part of the job is getting people where they wanna go, true, but part is doing it in a safe environment

    she was all, yeah, i guess so.

    and i said, i mean this isnt the nsa or nothin

  5. to dare too confidently or not dare at all? that is the question 

    vivian leigh in twelfth night

    Sir John Gielgud directed the play of Twelfth Night which starred Vivien Leigh and her husband Laurence Olivier. 

    Leigh was a manic depressive but Gielgud didn’t know how to work with that. Here’s something he wrote in his diary about entering the job of director of the play

    Perhaps I will still make a good thing of that divine play, especially if he will let me pull her little ladyship (who is brainier than he but not a born actress) out of her timidity and safeness. He dares too confidently … but she hardly dares at all and is terrified of overreaching her technique and doing anything that she has not killed the spontaneity of by overpractice.

    Maybe her OCD lead her to that terrible sin of overpractice?

    Since when is being prepared – or in this case over-prepared a bad thing?

    When it infringes on the magical moments when freestyling and improvising, even when rocking the eternal words of The Bard.

    As I approach my 560th birthday i have been thinking about writing an autobiography, a memoir of sorts.

    I feel like I’ve finally lived enough of a life to have some interesting tales to tell and I’ve learned a few valuable lessons.

    But the thing that keeps holding me back are the thoughts I have about some of the influential people of my life.

    Gielgud’s criticism of the two-time Oscar winner is fantastic. Who knew people thought that way, especially about her? But we’d never have that realization, especially today, if he hadn’t thrown her under the bus, in a way and wrote honestly in his own autobio.

    Any good bio has heavy doses of sex drugs and rock n roll and my first inclination is to write it and tuck it away somewhere until my death when it will be unearthed.

    But the problem with that is what if it’s misunderstood? Who would be around to set the record straight?

    What if it became a hit? Who would go on the book tour?

    Maybe I’m just as troubled as poor Scarlet. Doubt it. Maybe I should just wait to bust with it when I’m 600 and say fuck it here it is.

  6. why is jack white not smiling 

    jack white

    – hes at a Cubs game

    – he doesnt have a magical xbi-issued Cubs hat (lost it? was it stolen?)

    – he is not holding an Old Style

    – he has forgotten that winning is not the point of going to Wrigley Field

    – he is not in the bleachers

    – he is at a night game

    – theres not one black person around him

    – he is just realizing that Harry Caray is no longer the announcer

    – the Cubs are at least two years away from a world series (but probably three)

    – no one knows the words to his new hit single and thus cannot sing along

    – Chicagoans are lovable but keep calling him Jack Black (honest mistake)

  7. Tuesday, July 22, 2014

    most of my day is researching stuff. reading books. interviews. 


    and you hear these little bits of wisdom, mostly from people who are now dead.

    but the things they say from the grave are still valid:

    be prepared, more prepared than the next guy.

    try new stuff. first a western. then a drama. then a comedy. then an epic.

    sure most good things are impossible,

    but theyre super impossible if you dont begin.

    the ants are so hungry and twice as thirsty right now in east hollywood.

    impossibly thirsty.

    they sit on the window sill of my bathroom and wait for me to finish my shower

    some are there just to check me out.

    cuz im so sexy.

  8. went to the lady gaga show last night 


    as did pretty much everyone with a costume


    there was tons of confetti in the shape of sea shells and hearts


    amber got us amazing seats super close to the stage


    she also interviewed a bunch of wildly dressed pretty ladies which will turn up on her blog soon


    things that surprised me about Lady Gaga:

    1. she’s not that wonderful of a dancer

    2. she only had about 5 costume changes

    3. she alternates between telling her fans they can do anything and then saying “i cant hear you mother [effers]!”

    4. she doesn’t do an encore


    things that surprised me about amber smith blog:

    1. she knew every word to every song

    2. she bought 4 tickets well in advance for no one in particular because she just knew ppl would wanna come


    things that surprised me about The Little Monsters

    1. they almost all dressed up in costumes of some sort

    2. they didn’t sell out Staples Center (maybe because there are two shows: one tonight as well?)

    3. they threw clothes, stuffed animals, even a rainbow flag at Gaga while she caught her breath


    ironic, dont ya think: some of the best concert merch, but this crowd really doesnt buy concert merch

    ive been to a zillion concerts, this was the only one where there werent bootleg tshirt vendors in the parking lots


    now i wanna see the Katy Perry show to see who had the most confetti.

  9. Monday, July 21, 2014

    seeing lady gaga tonight with amber smith blog 

    amberit’s been nearly four years since ive seen gaga, and even that was just briefly.

    it was for yoko onos 75th birthday celebration.

    yoko did duets with all these famous and interesting people

    and at the end did two songs with lady gaga.

    which were amaaaazzzzzing.

    do i remember what the songs were: no.

    did it make me run out and buy either lady gaga or yoko ono records: no.

    was it one of the best live music moments of 2010 for me? yup.

    am i the weirdest person? si.

    amber texts me during baseball games and asks good questions.

    for example yesterday the dodgers and the cardinals were playing on espn, so LA got to see their first place team for the first time in a long time.

    hanley ramirez got hit with a pitch at his shoulders

    and then when the dodgers took the field clayton kershaw plunked one of the cards right in the leg.

    the ump dramatically pointed at kershaw, then the dodgers’ bench, and then the cardinals bench, to warn them that if anyone else got hit theyd be thrown out.

    but then later in the game hanley got beaned again and nothing happened. no one got ejected. in fact the pitcher struck out the next two batters, but then adrian gonzalez drove in the winning run.

    amber texted me and asked why the pitcher wasn’t tossed after both benches had been warned.

    i said, life isnt always fair. especially in st. louis. the skid mark of the midwest.