nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, August 31, 2014

    picked up three at a fancy beverly hills hotel 

    kissingthe two female passengers wore thigh high lingerie and skirts and seemed very drowsy

    their handsome gentleman friend sat beside me and we headed for the sunset strip.

    were they movie stars or rock stars or friends of friends of the famous

    who knows, all i know is they probably needed a pick me up

    cake came on my phone

    short skirt, long sweater

    one of the ladies went, omg my dad listens to this.

    not sure if that was a compliment but kept rolling.

    finally one of them said how sleepy they were again so i said, how about i pull over to that drug store over there and bro can get you guys a mexicoke or something

    they agreed to a pink monster

    normally i dont really like waiting because you dont make very much money waiting, it’s almost like youre losing it.

    but friday was so slow i didnt care.

    in fact these ppl were funner than most everyone else all day

    it was taking dude forever to come back with the drinks

    so i said, hey can i take a picture of you for my uber instagram?

    one of them said, your ubergram?

    and i was all


  2. who is your eazy 

    easy ewhen i was a kid i wanted to be a teacher.

    but i would be a bad teacher.

    i would say things like, wait Nobody but this kid read the chapter today? figures. i hear your music. if you call it that.

    robot squeaks and sound effects.

    push buttons and artificial dynamics.

    music evolved from chuck berry to hendrix to nirvana to this?

    who is your eazy e?


    who is your led zeppelin?

    no wonder you dont read things except on your phone.

    the reality is dismal.

    beep beep bop.

    once ac/dc was playing at irvine meadows which was the spot of an abandonded lion country safari.

    back in those days there was omg no internet so if you wanted tickets to a show you either had to go to a record store or department store that had the ticket machines

    or you called on the phone.

    so i called the morning of the show and said hey are there a lot of tickets available or should i go down to robinsons and get a ticket right away.

    and the lady said oh theres plenty, have no fear.

    queensryche was opening. operation mindcrime, g.

    figured id save some service fees by just driving down to the show and buying some grass tickets at the box office.

    when i got there they were sold out and there were lots of us who were under the impression that tickets would be available at the gate.

    so someone said, lets hike through lion country safari and hop the fence.

    and all of us said, thats the most perfect idea of all time.

    it was scary, dangerous, illegal, regretable

    and well worth it when you find yourself in the midst of a full blown acdc show

    and hells bells is ringing as you run from the cops.

    either do your homework or make music worth getting popped for.

  3. a pretty girl got a ride to my house last night 


    bedside bed

    she brought pizza because it was a saturday night

    but not just pizza, an entire pizza for me

    and one entire pizza for her.

    i was all, skinny girl you aint gonna eat that whole  damn pie

    and despite being fat as a cow i wasnt gonna eat no whole pieneither

    because its california the pizzas were about 13 inches

    and slightly lopsided with sauce painted on it like it was interior designed

    dollops of cheese blops here

    green leafy things that just casually drifted off a tree

    and ended up there.

    their ovens are 900 degrees and pizza becomes pizza in seconds.

    its slightly unnatural.

    the uber took her 30 minutes from the beach to east hollywood because it was late

    and people were like me, already drunk at 5, and sorta passed out by 8 and awake again

    but drowsy, and after a hot shower, you know what, an entire pizza

    was entirely right.

  4. Saturday, August 30, 2014
  5. Friday, August 29, 2014
  6. people ask me my secrets all the time 

    kurt courtney and frances beanwhy would i tell them those?

    was kurts heroin and devil worship? no.

    was miles’ white girls and jump rope? maybe.

    was einsteins checkers and freestyle rap battles? shhhh.

    i will tell you all my secrets but theyre hidden in layers of better things.

    the secret is be yourself.

    the secret is when you’re a pitcher and for years thats what youve been studying

    and when youre warmed up and you forget about everything and just look at the catchers mitt

    and let it fly

    all those years of coaching and practice and screwing around as a kid and studying and working

    are condensed in one simple action.

    when your heart is in it and thats really

    your pitch

    the ball will do the most amazing thing:

    it will become unhittable.

    no one can rip off the way kurdts voice is. its been twenty years. it’s his.

    no one can top that thing.

    no one can be more you than you at your most zen.

    which is why the talkity talkity will never result in any true

    rockety rockity

  7. Thursday, August 28, 2014

    prince likes to join me as i read the paper each morning on the throne 


    he and his sister like to hear the newspaper rustling. they love sounds.

    last night i took them outside to the car to get pet by the girls and one of them got ancy on the way in and jumped outta my arms

    and ran under a car

    the other one i tossed into the courtyard in hopes it would run into the house – and it did.

    meanwhile i ran after the escapee.

    i saw him there huddling under the car, scared, free but freaked.

    i said look ive gotta go drink with the ladies so youve got two options, you can stay out here

    in the night

    surrounded by big cats and wild animals and hollywood.

    or you can come back to me where you get fed and loved and watered and you get to run through my weird apartment.

    he jumped into my arms and never looked back.

    this morning we read the paper and he said, sorry man, i have no idea what overcame me.

  8. Omg Leah and Lindsay are in town 


    Hello Texas!

    the ladies from Austin have made their way to LA to take photos of gay weddings and take in the sites.

    last night we dined at Perch in DTLA and sipped on waters and beers at the Chateau Marmont’s bar.

    it’s incredible to think ive known Leah since she was but a teen, but life is like that.

    it’s also nice to know i was there when Lindsay and Leah first met.

    and it’s nice to know that they can have a good time hanging out with amber and i as we babble about our little city as we drive through the night.

    if you see these two in the streets say hey and buy them things.

    it’s neighborly!

  9. Tuesday, August 26, 2014

    things i never thought would be possible 

    elvis costello in san francisco

    if you had asked me when i was 18 these things i would have said no freaking way

    1. i would meet elvis costello and get my picture taken with him (he hates photos of himself and usually bans photogs from his concerts)

    2. that i would have attended two Oscars in a row, one as a spectator, one as a paid employee

    3. that id be dating a hot blonde nearly half my age who asks me things by first whispering busblog… in my ear.

    4. that id trade in a 2011 smokin hot black Camaro for Ford’s version of the Prius in a decision that has nothing to do with having kids.

    5. that the Cubs would be ending the 2014 season with one of the best, young teams in major league baseball history

    6. that in 2014 no one wants to be on the Lakers

    very few things in life are predictable,

    which is why we do our best to fight through the rough patches, because theres usually light at the end of the tunnel

  10. Monday, August 25, 2014