nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, August 25, 2014

    ubers theory was if they lowered the prices far down enough 

    heading to fyfest

    then everyone and their mama would start taking uber everywhere

    and in exchange for cheaper rides, the drivers would have more rides.

    the drivers didnt trust this and were angry and bitter because they thought the volume was plenty and the prices were about half that of a cab, so why change anything?

    something happened saturday and i was busy like allllll day and night.

    i mostly stayed on the westside and even made my way to nobu in malibu

    and the pacific palisades three times, which is odd because im hardly ever there.

    once was to take this sweet british family from moonshadows to an italian joint on sunset

    the second time was to take a pair of latino au peres (argentinian and columbian) back home from Urban Outfitters at Santa Monica Place

    one of them was 17 and had just bought her first record player

    i asked her what record(s) did she get and she said Katy Perrys Prism

    but “im an old soul so i will be getting some Frank Sinatra soon.”

    i told her to check out the Record Surplus store in West LA.

    we drove up to the very top of one of the windy roads where the houses just get bigger

    must be celebs or something, who knows.

    third time was round midnight. i was tired and was considering going home.

    10622122_10152631084668057_463925923_ni was on sunset in the palisades and had just thrown out a bunch of plastic bottles at a gas station when i got beeped like two blocks away.

    pretty caterer girl got in and said Redondo Beach

    what a way to end the night i thought, a loooong ride way down to the beach.

    we drove down the hill to PCH, took that to the 10, then south on the 405 and off at Inglewood

    listening to the beast boys’ solid gold hits all the way because she liked that i was playing paul revere when she got in.

    the day was filled with mostly super sweet people including a semi drunk couple and their friends who had spent all day together and the dude had had enough.

    as we dropped off the friends the friends kept inviting them to polish off a bottle of wine or watch netflix but the pair claimed exhaustion and said bye felicia.

    our conversations were immediately dirty, frank, and funny. weird how things can escalate quickly like that.

    after we dropped off everyone they invited me in to their backyard to drink whiskey and sing songs.

    “our neighbors will hate us,” the young lady said, “they have babies.”

    “babies ruin everything,” i said.

    “we were just saying that!” bro agreed.

    when we got to their really nice little house they asked me again and i said whiskey and ubering dont really mix.

    but it was nice to have that little insta bond.

    two yuppies on separate rides were pissed the whole time and there was nothing i could do.

    and then there was the hot russian woman who had just finished a bad blind date.

    “at least i had a free meal and now have some leftvoers for my daughter,” she said.

    although she may have said “for my dogs”. her accent was thick.

    but the most interesting ride was one with a beautiful Gaucho who worked at the Daily Nexus covering sports and is now in school to be a nurse or a doctors assistant or a surgeon, who knows, we mostly talked sports and how much we miss del playa.

    my arms felt good the whole day. one woman smelled like blueberry perfume.

    and one guy snorted cocaine as his friends berated him and apologized to me.

    probably shoulda made a citizens arrest but like i said, it was busy.

  2. Sunday, August 24, 2014
  3. Saturday, August 23, 2014

    hate is a strong word 


    especially while wearing a Sweetness jersey.

    im very excited for the beginning of the NFL season but i dont hate anyone.

    i hate MLB for keeping Pete Rose out of the baseball Hall of Fame

    i hate that Obama thinks its ok to spy on Americans and lie about it.

    i hate that Uber doesn’t seem to care about its drivers.

    i hate that time flies so quickly and i havent done half the things i wanna do yet.

    i hate how cute my kittens are because it makes it hard to give them away.

    other than that i pretty much love everything.

    like you.

  4. who you trying to get crazy with, esse? dont you know im loco? 


    the best part about uber is the money. it just rolls in.
    the second best part are the women. sometimes they just grab the back of your head
    whip it around and make you make out with them.
    and since the customers always right,
    and since it’s important to have as close to a 5 star rating as possible

    but the third best is you get to meet people who are new to LA
    like these three youngsters from india going to grad school at USC.

    whattya studying over there? i asked em.
    engineering! they said.

    so i was all, ok heres what i need. i need an iphone app that tells me when people are lying to me.
    i also need an app that tells me if the girl im talking to loves me
    or just lusts me.
    the boys laughed and said.
    humans can determine if someone is lying, but machines cant.

    i said, fine, then what i need is a jet pack that runs on apple sauce.

    for some reason they said that was impossible too.

    and i said, gents when i was your age

    we didnt even have the innernet.

    i’ll be ready with my applesauce soon.


    then got this guy at ucla who has been in the country a month
    so he could be in a full immersion of english. which i could use one day too.

    he complained that our portions were giant and restaurants dont take care in preparing cooked vegetables.

    therefore the only place he enjoyed eating at was Subway because he could get a six inch sub with
    Switzerland Cheese.

    he was impressed with the varieties of cheeses we have at Subway. over by his house theres only one kind and they give you three tiny little triangles of it.

    he told me that everyone in Thailand carrys umbrellas: men women children.

    because in the summer the sun is super sweltering hot and when its not sunny its raining like a bitch. actually he said raining very hard. i said yeah raining like a b.

    i wanted to complete his immersion.

    he also said our version of chinese food was either way too sweet or way to salty.

    i played motorhead for him and said next time he comes back to LA he needs to meet lemmy


    these kids talked about invisiline, retainers, and korean food.
    they were headed to Pot
    i was all oh over at the Line
    they were a little surprised i had not only heard of it but been there.
    i was all, come on Roy Choi is my Boy!
    (not true)
    they were like then what did you get there.
    i said i got a Dang, Son!
    then we took a picture



    amber was all have you heard the new cypress hill greatest hits

    i was like say what

    she was all totally: all the hits

    she asked me how my day was going.

    no xbi agent ever wants to answer that question because

    the morning is never good.

    and thats part of the day.

    which is why i like to say

    bring on the night



    super hot girl in a dodger cap and her boyfriend flagged me down east of west adams in a part of town that wasnt surging

    when everywhere was surging.

    but i picked them up because i had just had a long fun ride so why not.

    they told me they had just received an uber ride from a lady in a new mercedes in santa monica and

    half way to dodger stadium the woman huffed and said, i need to get to a dinner, imma let you off here.

    he sat up front with me and she sat in the back where i could keep an eye on her.


    his work had gotten him tickets in a suite and a parking pass

    so i just waved the pass at the parking dude and instead of dropping them off at the bottom of chavez ravine

    we drove right up to the door and i drove out



    and thats just some of the things that happened

    on this very very very

    fun and trippy night.

  5. Friday, August 22, 2014

    the year was 1994, the northridge quake rattled in january 

    greg vaine, jeff tsar and i shared a three bedroom house in atwater village

    because the boys were aspiring rock stars and they had wanted a home

    that also had a basement or a rock room, and voila greg found 3300 glenhurst.

    jeff worked at warner bros in the animation cel division, greg was in art school

    and i was the southern california sales rep for magnavox with a company car.

    but at night we were the Three Bad Roommates watching old westerns and listening to nirvana non stop because kurt cobain had just ended his life and we were more than obsessed with trying to find clues in his music that such a talented and loved man would want to do that to himself.

    but with every aftershock from Northridge we got more and more ancy so we went into the rock room basement beneath our kitchen and i would create eerie rhythms on my drums.

    daring the earth to crush us.

    earth QUAKE earth QUAKE boom boom boom, id drum

    then jeff would mimic it on bass and greg would make a melody.

    and then we’d jam defying mother nature and the angry spirits bubbling below.

    after a while we’d freak ourselves out and segue into cover songs from our favorite bands: nirvana, the velvet underground, the stones, springsteen, even the romantics.

    while jeff and greg worked on their serious projects, we kept jamming for fun and eventually we formed a covers band called Chopper One which allowed us to bond as roommates and set up a fun playground for the two actual musicians to get their ya-yas out without worrying about every note and lyric.

    when we realized we had enough songs to put on a show, we invited our friends and neighbors over, jeff threw on a david hasslehoff tapestry as a cape, greg slipped into his Elvis Presley outfit, and i put on my grandpa’s pajamas as a tribute to cobain who often wore pjs on stage

    and Chopper One rocked out in our first show.

    hard to believe that was 20 years ago, but time flies when you’re giving the biggest earthquake in a century the middle finger.

  6. Thursday, August 21, 2014
  7. theres a scene in Barfly where Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway meet at a bar 

    amber at thai

    they have a few drinks, eat some food, fall asleep at his apartment and at some point he has to run

    but before he does he gives her a copy of his keys

    she’s all, you trust me with these?

    he says, sure, it’s easier that way.

    pretty sure amber smith blog follows that same lifestyle. if we’re driving down the road

    and she says lets have some thai, i’ll say where do you wanna go? she’ll say somewhere off the beaten path.

    for some reason i like that.

    last night all of her plans went haywire so i picked her up after work.

    i said id really like to take you to the movies. so we went to my place, heated up last nights thai.

    played with the kittens and jeanine. and then ubered to the arclight.

    she didnt even ask what movie we were gonna see.

    we sat down and took in Boyhood. a movie that was filmed for two weeks a year for 12 years.

    really different. a little weird. three hours long. and pretty enjoyable.

    when it was over she said, i will go to any movie you want anytime any where. you know movies!

    i was all, you know where i work, right?

    she said the xbi, duh.

  8. Wednesday, August 20, 2014

    how CNN could make a gazillion dollars without even really trying 


    it seems to me that no one really understands the constitution

    or even the bill of rights.

    if I ran CNN i would TAKE MY TIME and produce a 50-part series

    about the history and the nitty gritty about the laws that govern us.

    spending extra time on those that most often get misunderstood.

    if Neil Degrasse Tyson can have a hit tv show explaining the science of the universe

    then CNN can have an award winning series about the constitution and the amendments

    produced in such a way to lay out what everything means.

    so that if you watched it all you’d never think that there could be a “free speech zone”.


  9. Tuesday, August 19, 2014
  10. one of the nice things about the xbi is they teach you how to spot lying 


    one of the bad things about learning that skill is you see how many people lie to you and it makes you sad

    it makes you feel like those people think youre so dumb youd never realize their terrible lies until it’s too late.

    you have to remember not to take it personally, but it’s a total personal attack.

    it’s saying youre a dumb dummy full of dumb and im so smart i can verbalize fiction minus footnotes

    and you’ll never know.

    its why many agents reprogram that part of their brains.

    they get tired hearing the little bell every time an intentional falsehood is levied.