who you trying to get crazy with, esse? dont you know im loco?


the best part about uber is the money. it just rolls in.
the second best part are the women. sometimes they just grab the back of your head
whip it around and make you make out with them.
and since the customers always right,
and since it’s important to have as close to a 5 star rating as possible

but the third best is you get to meet people who are new to LA
like these three youngsters from india going to grad school at USC.

whattya studying over there? i asked em.
engineering! they said.

so i was all, ok heres what i need. i need an iphone app that tells me when people are lying to me.
i also need an app that tells me if the girl im talking to loves me
or just lusts me.
the boys laughed and said.
humans can determine if someone is lying, but machines cant.

i said, fine, then what i need is a jet pack that runs on apple sauce.

for some reason they said that was impossible too.

and i said, gents when i was your age

we didnt even have the innernet.

i’ll be ready with my applesauce soon.


then got this guy at ucla who has been in the country a month
so he could be in a full immersion of english. which i could use one day too.

he complained that our portions were giant and restaurants dont take care in preparing cooked vegetables.

therefore the only place he enjoyed eating at was Subway because he could get a six inch sub with
Switzerland Cheese.

he was impressed with the varieties of cheeses we have at Subway. over by his house theres only one kind and they give you three tiny little triangles of it.

he told me that everyone in Thailand carrys umbrellas: men women children.

because in the summer the sun is super sweltering hot and when its not sunny its raining like a bitch. actually he said raining very hard. i said yeah raining like a b.

i wanted to complete his immersion.

he also said our version of chinese food was either way too sweet or way to salty.

i played motorhead for him and said next time he comes back to LA he needs to meet lemmy


these kids talked about invisiline, retainers, and korean food.
they were headed to Pot
i was all oh over at the Line
they were a little surprised i had not only heard of it but been there.
i was all, come on Roy Choi is my Boy!
(not true)
they were like then what did you get there.
i said i got a Dang, Son!
then we took a picture



amber was all have you heard the new cypress hill greatest hits

i was like say what

she was all totally: all the hits

she asked me how my day was going.

no xbi agent ever wants to answer that question because

the morning is never good.

and thats part of the day.

which is why i like to say

bring on the night



super hot girl in a dodger cap and her boyfriend flagged me down east of west adams in a part of town that wasnt surging

when everywhere was surging.

but i picked them up because i had just had a long fun ride so why not.

they told me they had just received an uber ride from a lady in a new mercedes in santa monica and

half way to dodger stadium the woman huffed and said, i need to get to a dinner, imma let you off here.

he sat up front with me and she sat in the back where i could keep an eye on her.


his work had gotten him tickets in a suite and a parking pass

so i just waved the pass at the parking dude and instead of dropping them off at the bottom of chavez ravine

we drove right up to the door and i drove out



and thats just some of the things that happened

on this very very very

fun and trippy night.